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The urge of wanting to die is all I can think about

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by aldeki, Jan 8, 2015.

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  1. aldeki

    aldeki New Member

    Hello everyone, I am new here. After a struggling with depression and suicide since I was 9 (my first suicide attempt) till now (I am 22) I figured it was time to talk to someone.

    A little back story with some triggers for my depression: I am married with a husband who lies to me and doesn't help me with my depression and suicide. I confide in him that I want to kill myself and that I am unhappy, and he then raises his voice and gets frustrated with me saying that it's because I have a negative outlook on my life and I will never feel any better or get happier as long as I see things in the negative. I can be a little bit of a pessimist, but it's hard to have a positive outlook when I pray for death every night. I try to explain this to him, but he always says the same thing. When I don't talk to him, he yells at me telling me that I need to tell him how I feel and I hurt his feelings when I keep my feeling to myself. So basically support from my husband is non-existent and not something that can be counted on in the future. He lies to me, which makes my trust problem (parents who lied to me) worse. I don't want to get into that now.

    Now the real problem. Lately, the urge of wanting to die has been all I can think about lately. It overcomes me so much that my heart aches because I am alive and not dead. This is the worst I have felt in my entire life, and I was just wondering if anyone else has felt this way ever. It's so odd, I think about dying and killing myself and it makes me so happy, and I feel warm and content inside. As soon as I stop picturing myself dead though, my heart aches and I begin to cry because I am alive. Every second I am alive feels like literal heartbreak to me. I have never wanted to die this much in my life. Has anyone else ever felt this way? What can I do to help myself? I can't afford therapy, and I've read those 'why you shouldn't kill yourself' articles but they are like band-aids to me. I want to start on a path to recovery. And I too deep in the thought of death for self-help?

    Any advice is appreciated.
    Thank you in advanced. Sorry for the long post and hope it was able to be understood. It's late and my mind is not making sense.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I can relate to your post in some ways. Your hsb yells because he does not know how to help you and he doe not understand depression is an illness that needs to be treated like any other illness. With medication or councilling both is the best way. You ask what YOU can do to help you well first off is have a goal each day just one and do it. Also think back to past and remember what use to bring you joy and do those things even if they do not bring you joy right away the continually doing them will eventually reawaken the joy you one felt.

    Get out be amongst people friends or just go walking in mall just being amongst the living i say also make you feel more alive. just a few pointers that help me hope they help you
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello and welcome to the forums, we also have a chat room if you want to talk in real time. Your husband sounds like he really does not understand what's going on for you. It's very easy for him to say ''that's negative don't talk about that'' depression is much deeper than that. I would suggest getting professional help and eventually have him come to an appointment with you. For the time being, talk to someone other than your husband about this, relatives,professionals, helplines or us here, it's so important to get your thoughts out in the open so you can heal.

    I am so sorry you are going through this depressed state in your life but remember you are not alone, we're here for you :hug:
    Definitely not something you have to go through alone!!
  4. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Contact the county Mental Health services for your county - they will have a listing in th ebook or if not call 211 and ask about mental health resources. There will be free counseling and services based on income in your area. There are also support groups in most cities that can be helpful. Your regular Dr can and will talk to you about depression and prescribe meds as well. That is where the majority of people get meds from rather than a psychiatrist. These things can get you real help as opposed to the "band aids" of self help articles and even peer to peer support for dealing with deep depression. Your husband is not wrong in saying your problem is a negative outlook, that is absolutely true. He does not understand that is not a choice with depression. That is like telling somebody broken leg they walk slow, it not untrue, its just really unhelpful and not something that can be changed or avoided. Maybe you could convince him to read some of the mental health articles so he would have clue what you are dealing with.

    I hope you are able to come here and talk to some people here that do understand how you feel. It is not a cure but it helps to know you are not alone.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    - Ben
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