Hello everyone, I am new here. After a struggling with depression and suicide since I was 9 (my first suicide attempt) till now (I am 22) I figured it was time to talk to someone. A little back story with some triggers for my depression: I am married with a husband who lies to me and doesn't help me with my depression and suicide. I confide in him that I want to kill myself and that I am unhappy, and he then raises his voice and gets frustrated with me saying that it's because I have a negative outlook on my life and I will never feel any better or get happier as long as I see things in the negative. I can be a little bit of a pessimist, but it's hard to have a positive outlook when I pray for death every night. I try to explain this to him, but he always says the same thing. When I don't talk to him, he yells at me telling me that I need to tell him how I feel and I hurt his feelings when I keep my feeling to myself. So basically support from my husband is non-existent and not something that can be counted on in the future. He lies to me, which makes my trust problem (parents who lied to me) worse. I don't want to get into that now. Now the real problem. Lately, the urge of wanting to die has been all I can think about lately. It overcomes me so much that my heart aches because I am alive and not dead. This is the worst I have felt in my entire life, and I was just wondering if anyone else has felt this way ever. It's so odd, I think about dying and killing myself and it makes me so happy, and I feel warm and content inside. As soon as I stop picturing myself dead though, my heart aches and I begin to cry because I am alive. Every second I am alive feels like literal heartbreak to me. I have never wanted to die this much in my life. Has anyone else ever felt this way? What can I do to help myself? I can't afford therapy, and I've read those 'why you shouldn't kill yourself' articles but they are like band-aids to me. I want to start on a path to recovery. And I too deep in the thought of death for self-help? Any advice is appreciated. Thank you in advanced. Sorry for the long post and hope it was able to be understood. It's late and my mind is not making sense.