2 days ago I was in semi-meltdown stage, yesterday a fairly calm day. Today I'm back to meltdown. In the "family conference" before I was released from the psych ward, I openly admitted that I was still in love with my wife and devoted to her. They say grief is when the love goes on, but the person is gone. Already this morning, overflowing grief, screaming " She's my friend, she needs me" and I can't ignore or refute it. Alesia Is the unchallenged 1st place, the entire rest of the world is tied for last. My brother in law insists I'll never see Alesia if I suicide because I'll be condemned to hell. I have my beliefs, although theology is not my strongest point. He did request that if he returned my hunting knife to me, that I not use it to kill myself because he would feel guilty. Sometimes I feel like my family expects me to complete my next attempt. But my mind circles again, we're supposed to be together. How many more days can I delay, distract myself from the call again 'She's my friend, she needs me." And how retchedly incomplete I am without her.