the urge returns

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by 1Lefty, Oct 20, 2011.

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  1. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    2 days ago I was in semi-meltdown stage, yesterday a fairly calm day. Today I'm back to meltdown. In the "family conference" before I was released from the psych ward, I openly admitted that I was still in love with my wife and devoted to her.

    They say grief is when the love goes on, but the person is gone.

    Already this morning, overflowing grief, screaming " She's my friend, she needs me" and I can't ignore or refute it. Alesia Is the unchallenged 1st place, the entire rest of the world is tied for last.

    My brother in law insists I'll never see Alesia if I suicide because I'll be condemned to hell. I have my beliefs, although theology is not my strongest point. He did request that if he returned my hunting knife to me, that I not use it to kill myself because he would feel guilty. Sometimes I feel like my family expects me to complete my next attempt.

    But my mind circles again, we're supposed to be together. How many more days can I delay, distract myself from the call again 'She's my friend, she needs me." And how retchedly incomplete I am without her.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOur wife would not allow this to happen would not want you ending your life to be with her You wife would want you to move forward and to be happy You will not be following her wishes but your own hun get some therapy hun keep going okay Honor her name okay by doing something for her while you are alive
  3. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Dear Total Eclipse - thank you sincerely for caring, for understanding and for replying.

    As my mother was dying from leukemia, I heard her say "I hope your father can carry on". And in the months before our cherished uncle's death, Alesia told me "And if anything happened to me, I hope after a while you would carry on."

    And for those two women I loved, I recognized their blessings and well wishes for those left behind. But neither had been in the position of being the one left behind, and so they had no perspective on the task left for the survivors, no concept of the heartache their wish inflicted. I doubt either of them spent even one day contemplating whether night would find them alive. I've spent apprx. 500+ wondering exactly that question, and it's a brutal, maddening, painful beyond relief existance. Those days of seeking contentment or joy in places and finally . realizing there's no longer anything in this world of interest to me. Would Alesia approve of an early exit? Probably not, but I bet she'd be happy to see me just the same.

    Peace to all.
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Lefty...sorry I have not written sooner...I wish I had something profound to say tonight, other than I am hoping you have another day that is more sound like such a wonderful person, and truly a good friend and husband. A was so fortunate to have had you, as you were to have had there something you can do in her memory that might give you some respite? When my best friend died, I worked for an organization that provided meals to homebound patients who had the same disease he died from...I felt a little more peace, hoping that he was watching over me, and saw me going door to door giving to others a molecule of the love we felt for each's been 20 years, and I still cry often...but I do know how blessed I am to have felt a love like that...wishing you some respite, and please send a PM if I can be there for you...J
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I understand being left behind the excruciation pain i do and i spend my days wanting peace wanting to join him where ever he is but i know in my heart i would not be doing as he would want So i try like you everday to make it count to do something that would help someone else I do understand your postion but ending your life there is no guarantees where we end up I have tired meds i am going to therapy it helps so i do hope you get help too
    Do something as Sadeyes has stated to commemorate your loved ones they are watching over you they are hugs
  6. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Thank you both, it was what I needed to read this morning, maybe today will be better.

    I spent part of the evening with sister and nephews. She's bipolar, fresh from her own hospitalization, and her doctor advises against any contact with me as I could be the trigger to send her into another episode. Regardless, we had a nice visit.

    And along the lines of a tribute, it happened one time - Alesia's dream was to be a DJ, and she would practice her delivery and introductions into the cheap computer microphone, saving it to disk. After she passed, I secured an hour on the local community radio station, did some minor editing, and the Tuesday before her birthday, Alesia's voice and song selections were free to dance on the Kansas City airwaves. There was even a call-in "That girl's GOT it"

    I made CD copies for family out of town, and they were so happy to get them, to hear Alesia's voice again.
  7. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Today was a mix. Some so-so, some bad with emphasis on bad. Unable to think without thinking of my wife which brings teary mayhem, I suppose a grief attack.

    I'm just very weary, drained, I might as well be empty inside, it's been so long since I found myself responding to something joyous, or inspiring. I'm not expecting an instant fix, maybe just a day or two when I can think of my wife with joy, gratitude and satisfaction.

    Sometimes sleep brings repite, but no sleep yet tonight.

    Sleep well
  8. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    :grouphug: I hope you get some sleep tonite lefty..
    sleep is bliss!
  9. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Yes about 11 hours. Thanks
  10. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Friend - neither of us can count the tears gone by, the tears tears yet to come, this page is on my bookmarks for a reason.

    I am by choice a pacifist, and loath to cause the end of any human life, my own included.

    I'm trying, I really am

    But the burden of another day, that special other day, seven days from now

    I've friends that I promised one more day to

    And I think today marks one year from the release from my latest stay in a psychiatric ward
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 9, 2012
  11. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    1lefty -

    None of us know the tears yet to come nor can count what we have already left fall from our faces. I think it's better we don't know what is to come, else we could be in worse places now than we already are.

    I know this is a really hard time for you. I can suggest to think about those days that you felt different, a little brighter with some hope in them. It is possible to feel that again. We both know grief and our emotions come in and go out like the tides. Seine times they are regular tides and sometimes they are as if enhanced by full moons. But they will ease again.

  12. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    And even my count is wrong, it too is broken, today only marks the 11th month, not one year. Add another failure, another fuckup
  13. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Grief isn't counted in minutes, hours, days, weeks, months or years. It just is.
  14. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Just worried about you, want to know if you're okay?
  15. Senses

    Senses Member

    I can and do relate in my own way @1Lefty. May you find that your trying brings you that much more growth and insight. How I wish I was that all well being who could eliminate the hurt another has. Though I am not; I get that "burden of another day", though for me it is simply to honor that I am still here, in the ways I am and hopefully will find a fluidity that allows me the calm I dream of.

    May you have some peace, light and comfort now - present. Just keep on with your quest to DO YOU. It is important.

    Thank you for allowing ME a bit of inspiration even if my melancholic state seems to me, so harsh and impenetrable.

    The best to you.
  16. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Hello Wild Cherry, and Senses,

    I can't say that I'm fine, but think I'm on the way there. There is a lot of support on this forum, even if not directly for me.

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