I don’t know how to describe this feeling of empty abyss within me that has been haunting me ever since I turned 12. That was the time when I first deeply realized the maltreatment of my family and people towards me and I was completely overwhelmed by my lack of knowledge about the society and culture especially my political naiveté. Prior to that as a child I would just weep and forget. I was deeply and passionately interested in science and technology and all the time would keep thinking on some new idea. I remember the deep flow and strange satisfaction at heart that I used to derive out of satisfying the curiosity of opening and eagerly looking at electronics gadgets and other machinery. My mother says that Is was less than a year old when I opened her clock with a screw driver and plucked out all the springs and gears. I my self remember at 2 i used to look for my grand fathers old radio which had a detachable rear. I would open it and ask my uncle and father about various components inside it. I used to feel an inner compulsion to understand the functioning of the machinery and make some thing of my own but there was no one to teach me. I always used to ask questions from my father about every thing related to diverse science especially the astronomy, electronics, biology and paleontology. Apparently he would get strangely angry and say that you are barely three or four years old and you are asking such questions. He would always ignore my curiosity and try to suppress me. Anyway ideas would always flow in my mind like evenly flowing river water. I was always perplexed as to which idea I should work on first. Electronics magazines feathering catchy pictures of electronic gadgets, circuitry and lasers were always a treat for me and when ever I watched a sifi movie I would go staring into my room and try to build something of my own but that would always be a pretty frustrating experience but strangely i somehow loved doing it and when I would get bored I would just go out into the lawn and start playing. I was an ardent lover of games involving lots of running. My elder sisters used to play with me sometimes but usually I would play alone by myself taking turns for imaginary players for mom wont let me play with other children and never with girls while my immediate elder sister was permitted to right from the beginning. So the love of technology and sports defined my early child hood. I thought about making many things ranging from simple radios remote control toy cars to multi stage rockets. I was rather good at studies at school especially the science but some how did not like doing mathematics partly because no one was able to explain to me the logic and rationale behind its methods and I was not at all interested in reading text books and would always try and read advanced science books which were mostly in English so I decided to work more on improving my English and here again found negative support from my family who would ridicule me for making mistakes but would never appreciate any improvements .The sports and science cycle continued till i hit the teenage and that’s when my real mental and emotional traumas began. Though as a child i would weep and cry but would soon get busy with my science experiments and forget it all. People had always been saying that I was very good looking child but my mother and family had me believe other wise. So at 12 or thirteen it occured to me that some thing was terribally wrong and i was being treated unjustly. I was being suppressed mentally and traumatized emotionally. Socially i felt very inadequate for as a child I was conditioned to play alone all the time. I felt inferior to others because I lacked social mobility and would feel left out. My mind used to be a complete blank when other children would gang together and play games on me. Strangely almost all the girls seemed interested in me many felt more for me. That was the time when i felt strong sexual feelings for the first time. My elder sister had been meeting boys secretly but she would keep an eye on me at behest of my mother and would always make sure that I did not meet any girls at all and I felt it was justified on religious and moral grounds. Also I did not know how to socialize like other children did. I knew i had to think out my problems but did not know how to. My first idea was to 1- Explore and survey life and world at the grand scale and then employ appropriate tactics and develop my self through natural progression of learning through direct experience. I thought I could develop my social and political skills only if I meet people directly but wasn’t allowed to in the first place and no one was telling me any thing either. I needed security of some one to take me along and introduce me to the world of social living and relationships I. Alone I felt very vulnerable. I was practically left to my own devices and that burned my heart. I wish I had taken that path. As a reaction I took a terrible path one that torments me to this day I don’t knows how can I get rid of this mould that I deliberately cast upon my self . I have been trying with some success but maybe I need more I developed a pessimistic and depressed frame of mind and developed the following course of action. I was in 9th grade then --I thought about quitting home and running away I felt that I did not know at all about the society and felt very weak and vulnerable and decided against it --- My family was being totally mean and unjust to me. I could not run away so what do i do? -I decided to compromise totally even going beyond complete submission - I thoroughly accepted their restrictions. My mother and father had a strange psychopathic nature that seemed to exude right from their self as it were a part of their very nature. Especially the mother. mean mean woman she really is. She always makes it a point to undermine my peace and happiness and my sisters did their very best to see to it that they were successful at it. Father seemed little bit sympathetic during early child hood but was equally Actually she wanted to control all my thoughts and actions, manipulating Not just my matters but mind as well. she wanted me to believe that ----I must accept injustice and cruelty and never complain and think that i am being privileged. ----I should not even think about what they are doing to me and be totally blind about my affairs which would be run by them ----Be simple and naive, don’t use tactics that people use in social discourse ----Love romance and Sexuality is immoral, unreligious and unethical. They might do it but it is absolutely out of bound for me. ----I am not to question them at all and when ever I did they ruptured in an enormous fuss. Mother and father would look each other in the eye and would say how he dare even think like that. ---- I am no to seek comfort and happiness. I stipulated it all on myself physically torturing myself by not taking care of my body easing very little and i quit sports activities altogether. Not just this I started mentally torturing myself by deliberately creating conflicts and complexes. I devoted myself completely to studies hoping to land at the med college. did pretty good in 10th grade secured a position in province but jealous as they were they forced me to go to an ordinary college like the school before while I managed to make grade for the best one in the country. All this time I was having DNS problems with flu and fever most of the year but I kept going. Premed studies were quite demanding and I had grown very weak and eventually fell ill. Severe pain pangs in the abdomen along with my nasal problems broke me down. In my first year premed I quit final exams underwent surgery for DNS which relieved me of nasal problems but the abdominal pain remained. Mother stated saying that she was right in calling me a dumb child right form the beginning and that my previous performance was just a fluke. She would say that i was just pretending and trying to escape studies. Next year i did well in the first year exam I had a chance to go to the bets med school in country with a similar performance in the second year and with that my mothers behavior worsened even more and I feel into deep a depression I told my self that if she does not want me to succeed I wont and I stopped working hard. My mind seemed heavy with my weeping all the time and i felt as if I had gone really dumb. I deliberately let myself fail at my aim. Sank into deep depression and remained that way for another year. I was being naive in hoping that they would be happy with me that I am an obedient child but their purpose in all this was just to torment me I was fool to have tolerated all that. They just wanted me to go away or die. I was so wrong. I always took them for family while they were not. They were my real enemies and very cunningly used me against my self. I don't know how so much time has passed i am 26 now, doing MBA and have 1 more year to go. All the teen and early 20s years seem to have been lost in confusion and mental fog. I think i have lost the sense of time. The best years of my youth are gone and ill never get them back. Peopls always said i was physically smart and mentally sharp was indeed made for success but they successfully threw me down the failure drain.