The Void Within

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sunshinesunny, Jan 3, 2007.

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  1. sunshinesunny

    sunshinesunny Well-Known Member

    I don’t know how to describe this feeling of empty abyss within me that has been haunting me ever since I turned 12. That was the time when I first deeply realized the maltreatment of my family and people towards me and I was completely overwhelmed by my lack of knowledge about the society and culture especially my political naiveté. Prior to that as a child I would just weep and forget. I was deeply and passionately interested in science and technology and all the time would keep thinking on some new idea. I remember the deep flow and strange satisfaction at heart that I used to derive out of satisfying the curiosity of opening and eagerly looking at electronics gadgets and other machinery. My mother says that Is was less than a year old when I opened her clock with a screw driver and plucked out all the springs and gears. I my self remember at 2 i used to look for my grand fathers old radio which had a detachable rear. I would open it and ask my uncle and father about various components inside it. I used to feel an inner compulsion to understand the functioning of the machinery and make some thing of my own but there was no one to teach me. I always used to ask questions from my father about every thing related to diverse science especially the astronomy, electronics, biology and paleontology. Apparently he would get strangely angry and say that you are barely three or four years old and you are asking such questions. He would always ignore my curiosity and try to suppress me.

    Anyway ideas would always flow in my mind like evenly flowing river water. I was always perplexed as to which idea I should work on first. Electronics magazines feathering catchy pictures of electronic gadgets, circuitry and lasers were always a treat for me and when ever I watched a sifi movie I would go staring into my room and try to build something of my own but that would always be a pretty frustrating experience but strangely i somehow loved doing it and when I would get bored I would just go out into the lawn and start playing. I was an ardent lover of games involving lots of running. My elder sisters used to play with me sometimes but usually I would play alone by myself taking turns for imaginary players for mom wont let me play with other children and never with girls while my immediate elder sister was permitted to right from the beginning. So the love of technology and sports defined my early child hood. I thought about making many things ranging from simple radios remote control toy cars to multi stage rockets.

    I was rather good at studies at school especially the science but some how did not like doing mathematics partly because no one was able to explain to me the logic and rationale behind its methods and I was not at all interested in reading text books and would always try and read advanced science books which were mostly in English so I decided to work more on improving my English and here again found negative support from my family who would ridicule me for making mistakes but would never appreciate any improvements .The sports and science cycle continued till i hit the teenage and that’s when my real mental and emotional traumas began. Though as a child i would weep and cry but would soon get busy with my science experiments and forget it all. People had always been saying that I was very good looking child but my mother and family had me believe other wise.

    So at 12 or thirteen it occured to me that some thing was terribally wrong and i was being treated unjustly. I was being suppressed mentally and traumatized emotionally. Socially i felt very inadequate for as a child I was conditioned to play alone all the time. I felt inferior to others because I lacked social mobility and would feel left out. My mind used to be a complete blank when other children would gang together and play games on me. Strangely almost all the girls seemed interested in me many felt more for me. That was the time when i felt strong sexual feelings for the first time. My elder sister had been meeting boys secretly but she would keep an eye on me at behest of my mother and would always make sure that I did not meet any girls at all and I felt it was justified on religious and moral grounds. Also I did not know how to socialize like other children did. I knew i had to think out my problems but did not know how to. My first idea was to

    1- Explore and survey life and world at the grand scale and then employ appropriate tactics and develop my self through natural progression of learning through direct experience. I thought I could develop my social and political skills only if I meet people directly but wasn’t allowed to in the first place and no one was telling me any thing either. I needed security of some one to take me along and introduce me to the world of social living and relationships I. Alone I felt very vulnerable. I was practically left to my own devices and that burned my heart. I wish I had taken that path.

    As a reaction I took a terrible path one that torments me to this day I don’t knows how can I get rid of this mould that I deliberately cast upon my self . I have been trying with some success but maybe I need more

    I developed a pessimistic and depressed frame of mind and developed the following course of action. I was in 9th grade then

    --I thought about quitting home and running away
    I felt that I did not know at all about the society and felt very weak and vulnerable and decided against it

    --- My family was being totally mean and unjust to me. I could not run away so what do i do?

    -I decided to compromise totally even going beyond complete submission

    - I thoroughly accepted their restrictions. My mother and father had a

    strange psychopathic nature that seemed to exude right from their self as it were a part of their very nature. Especially the mother. mean mean woman she really is. She always makes it a point to undermine my peace and happiness and my sisters did their very best to see to it that they were successful at it. Father seemed little bit sympathetic during early child hood but was equally

    Actually she wanted to control all my thoughts and actions, manipulating
    Not just my matters but mind as well.
    she wanted me to believe that

    ----I must accept injustice and cruelty and never complain and think that i am being privileged.
    ----I should not even think about what they are doing to me and be totally blind about my affairs which would be run by them
    ----Be simple and naive, don’t use tactics that people use in social discourse
    ----Love romance and Sexuality is immoral, unreligious and unethical. They might do it but it is absolutely out of bound for me.
    ----I am not to question them at all and when ever I did they ruptured in an enormous fuss. Mother and father would look each other in the eye and would say how he dare even think like that.
    ---- I am no to seek comfort and happiness.

    I stipulated it all on myself physically torturing myself by not taking care of my body easing very little and i quit sports activities altogether.
    Not just this I started mentally torturing myself by deliberately creating conflicts and complexes.

    I devoted myself completely to studies hoping to land at the med college.
    did pretty good in 10th grade secured a position in province but jealous as they were they forced me to go to an ordinary college like the school before while I managed to make grade for the best one in the country. All this time I was having DNS problems with flu and fever most of the year but I kept going.

    Premed studies were quite demanding and I had grown very weak and eventually fell ill. Severe pain pangs in the abdomen along with my nasal problems broke me down. In my first year premed I quit final exams underwent surgery for DNS which relieved me of nasal problems but the abdominal pain remained.

    Mother stated saying that she was right in calling me a dumb child right form the beginning and that my previous performance was just a fluke. She would say that i was just pretending and trying to escape studies.

    Next year i did well in the first year exam I had a chance to go to the bets med school in country with a similar performance in the second year and with that my mothers behavior worsened even more and I feel into deep a depression I told my self that if she does not want me to succeed I wont and I stopped working hard. My mind seemed heavy with my weeping all the time and i felt as if I had gone really dumb. I deliberately let myself fail at my aim. Sank into deep depression and remained that way for another year.

    I was being naive in hoping that they would be happy with me that I am an obedient child but their purpose in all this was just to torment me I was fool to have tolerated all that. They just wanted me to go away or die. I was so wrong. I always took them for family while they were not. They were my real enemies and very cunningly used me against my self.

    I don't know how so much time has passed i am 26 now, doing MBA and have 1 more year to go. All the teen and early 20s years seem to have been lost in confusion and mental fog. I think i have lost the sense of time. The best years of my youth are gone and ill never get them back.

    Peopls always said i was physically smart and mentally sharp was indeed made for success but they successfully threw me down the failure drain.
  2. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    Sunshine, you sound like a very intelligent person. I think it's great that you love the sciences. So do I. I'm sorry that you had such a hard time growing up. I get so angry when I hear about parents sabotaging their own children. :mad:

    I hope that you don't beat yourself up too much over how you've handled things. You did the best you could with what you knew. We all try so hard to please our families. Do what we know isn't good for us, all for a desperate need for acceptance from our parents.

    You're right. You can't reclaim those years. But you're still really young and have such a great mind. Go back to what you love. Bury yourself in the sciences and electronics. Finally become who you always wanted to be. I have faith in you.
  3. sunshinesunny

    sunshinesunny Well-Known Member

    i am not good
  4. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Wow, I am sorry about your family. Mine was not too much better. My sisters stole the attention of my mom and my dad really wanted nothing to do with me.

    Long Story of my Life skip if you like
    As a young child I was the target of bullying. So I tried to hide and stay far away from people in general. I learned to play on my own. Then the real torture came in Elementry school. I am horrible at schools dominate method for determining what you have learned, tests. So I got mediocre grades at best. So I decided to be the most obeident child I could to make up for it. Always doing the chores mom asked. But if I got poor grades I was nothing more than a failure as a child. On top of that my mom sent me mixed messages. My mom told me to never get in trouble and be a good boy. But then when I was bullied by pretty much everyone in the school she told me to beat them senseless. In the end I just took the bullying accepting myself as the loser I was. And all for just being myself and doing what I liked.

    Then came middle school I moved in with my dad. This was most likely a mistake. But at the time the idea of having a father and brothers blinded me, I grew up with my mom and 2 sisters. Here my dad tried to manipulate me into being like him when he was 12. A terror of a child who tried to have sex with everything with a vagina, with or without vaginas consent. Lucky for me my mind kicked into overdrive and made me think. My world was turned upside down in one month. And I faded into the background until I finally left that state.

    I returned to high school. Though I saw 80% of the people from elementry school none remembered me. So I was quiet and just tried to survive. Which I did, minus my parents harping on me for bad grades. The only place I received any praise was as the basketball manager. Despite being on Jr Ski Patrol and Earning my Eagle rank in scouts. I was met with minimal praise because I was not getting a 3.0 GPA.

    Then came college, at first I was forced to be with roommates. They were annoying be they kept me company. My second year though I was all alone and felt it. My loneliness and sexual frustration turned to anger and sadness then depression and then suicidal feelings. I lived with these for those years. Masking them behind a sarcastic synical guy.

    But then after much advice from online friends and thought on my own. I decided that I needed to start fresh. Which is what you need to do as well. Screw your family, this life is about you and you alone. Once you get your degree get away from them and do what you want for a change. I know I am planning on doing that myself.

    My advice
    ^^;; sorry my story was long winded you probably did not want to hear it. But I just wanted you to know that we are not so different. I am only 21, the first child of my mom to graduate college and the 3rd of my dad. I look back on life and see that maybe I wasted my life socially. But I still had a hell of a lot of fun too. So my advice to you is to do what you want once you are free from your family. Stop looking to them for approval and start looking to yourself. While for so many years I hated me, I approved of me at the same time.

    I hope I helped you a little. PM me if you would like to talk more. Or just keep posting here I am not going anywhere.
  5. sunshinesunny

    sunshinesunny Well-Known Member

    I've thorougly read your post and am rather surprise that such cases happen with males even in the west despite all its liberties and opportunities.

    It's good to hear that you haven't lost heart and are planning ahead for your life. Maybe i can help you with your studies. All it takes is the right base and mental skill set. Though there is no substitute to the hard work but a little smart work makes the process little easier. Wish you all the best.

    As for me i am caught between my mind and the society. Got so much unlearning to do for the things I once took religeoulsy are settled into my unconsious and pretty much determine my ways. I need the mind set and the value set of other people , the ones who are more social and more apt at political manouverings for thats a survival skill especially in pakistani society

    I missed all the warmth , affection and the benefits that social integration brings. My greatest regret in all this is never being in a romantic relationship. I guess it's too late and i just might accept all this just as i did before.

    Is it psychosocial manipulation or some very subtle magic trick some times i wonder. I manipulated my mind into believeing all that they wanted from me. One thing i wanna know is why would someone do what i did.
  6. sorry_mozart

    sorry_mozart Well-Known Member

    This has taken a little while, but when I read your post I felt I just had to respond, because I saw so many parallels to my own situation. Like you, I was a “gifted” child, I could read before I was two years old and sucked up knowledge effortlessly. I excelled at both arts and sciences and was always top of the class in every subject.

    My parents infested me with bad attitudes, too, though it wasn’t their fault and they’re not bad people (your mum sounds like a nightmare :blink: ) But like Philip Larkin said, “They f*ck you up, your mum and dad” … and I think that's true whether they’re good people or bad. Somewhere along the line I conflated “talent” with “effortlessness”, and figured that the less effort you had to put in, the more talented you were. My twisted logic led me to despise hard work as the province of the dullard, rather than the most fundamental characteristic of success.

    To put it bluntly, I thought that the world owed me a living.

    I was depressed as young as twelve, but I was still getting A-grades effortlessly, so who cares? I ploughed on in education, bored out of my skull, knowing everything already. By the time I took my GCSEs at age 16 I was already a heavy drinker and drug user – it passed the time – but what did it matter, I got straight As. I switched to the college in my region with the worst academic record to take A-levels, and spent most of the two years in the pub. It *still* didn’t matter – I came out with 4 A grades and a place at one of the world’s top universities. You’d think that finally I’d have to put in some effort and stop relying on talent, right? Uh, wrong – I coasted, slacked, got wasted, fought the system and still came out the other side with a decent degree.

    None of this was fun, by the way. I despised myself, because all around me I could see lucky, confident people who had direction, who were making successes of their lives, while I festered. My bipolar episodes manifested themselves as alternately thinking that I was a fount of creative potential, and one of the greatest geniuses every to have existed, and thinking that I was the most miserable failure in the history of the world. I had no idea which was more true. The hardest thing in my life was realising that it was neither, I was just like everybody else. (Actually, I still have trouble with that one! It’s not fair dammit – I genuinely thought I’d be the first person - no, make that the first astronaut - to win a Nobel Prize and a Grammy in the same year!!!!!!!!!)

    Anyway, sorry for jacking your thread, but maybe underneath we have the same problem – we set ourselves impossible standards and then get upset when we don’t meet them! But that doesn’t make you a failure – Bipolarkitty’s right, you are still very young, and clearly very smart. You have great insight into your problems, and that’s just one step away from finding a solution that you can tolerate. The world has a lot to offer that you can enjoy, especially if you love knowlege and learning for its own sake. Giving in to the void would really be the failure. God knows I have to remind myself of this often enough but it’s true! And try not to think of those lost years as “wasted” – that’s what growing up is all about, just chalk them up to the learning process.

    I wish you luck.
  7. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Well there is a greater range of liberties in the west that is for sure. But opportunities are a different thing. Mainly since you have to be able to see them in order to seize them.

    Thanks for the offer, but I have found that no one can really help with my studies. Besides I am making those secondary since I am graduating in may. My mom even said "A good GPA is just icing on the graduation cake". But if you know anything about programming I would be willing to accept your help.

    Well being able to see how people do things does help you learn. I guess we are different in that respect. All my feelings were built by me, not religion. But as they say it is hard to teach an old dog new tricks. It is going to be just as hard to remove this mindset as it will be for yours. If you want help in that respect I might be able to help.

    I have never been in a romantic relationship either. While you are on a different side of the world it you do not have to give up just yet. Me I am going to give up when I am 40 or 45. I am not sure what I mean by give up, I have not yet decided if I will become a hermit or a womanizer/manizer. Either way I will give up around then because there is no point in trying any further to have a relationship with another person, mainly because anyone my age will already have a family.

    Why would you do what you did? Simple you wanted acceptance and praise. You did what you had to do to get it. I have done the same thing, we ALL do the same thing. We are only children when we do it. Our vision of ourselves are strongly tied to that of our parents and friends. It is only later in life that we can see ourselves through our own eyes.
  8. sunshinesunny

    sunshinesunny Well-Known Member

    Thanks for taking time and sharing you rthoughts with us . Cleary you have an exceptional mind truly a gift of God. You always do well at studies and that speaks of the caliber you have. Not many people are that talented. Btw which subjects did yosu study and which uni did you go to? You said about you’re mind knowing every thing I mean is it that u felt that u had an intuitive conception of every thing you came across for the first time, some thing like a cosmic connection that inspires with thoughts which have been proven through the methods of creating knowledge to correspond to reality and hence the truth. Tell me more about it especially how does it work for you in mathematics and related subjects.

    You mentioned about your experiencing bipolar episodes. Manic depression as it is called is some times genetic in origin and it has a tendency to run in families. I know a boy here in Pakistan who suffers from the disorder and his academic career is full of alternating splendid and pretty ordinary performances.. I can imagine what you go through during your highs and lows. The feeling is there it envelops your sense of being and you can’t avoid it for it is seems to be your very self. You should seek some treatment which I suppose you are already doing. I think there are certain medicines which can lessen the severity of the symptoms.

    As for me I feel I got a related but different problem. I feel its more like a congnito-emotive complex. The root lies with some faulty cognitions that were induced by others and my self. The reason being my reciprocal emotive reactions leading to the self destructive feelings, thinking and behavior which in extreme cases results in ones taking one’s own life. It works like this. Psychopathic personalities choose such patterns of social interaction with their often innocent victims which induce feelings of embarrassment, frustration, anger and general depressive state of mind. Often the tormentor is a loved one or in a position where by the victim cannot respond openly. The victim person develops an emotional reaction to the treatment but the direction is reversed and the severe revengeful feelings that so develop are directed at ones own self. Very sensitive people tend to harm them selves in order to appeal the tormentor emotionally. This is a very dangerous situation and requires intervention by the third party. But it may so happen that they third party is siding up with the tormentor its self as has been happening then the situation becomes………..

    It’s taken me a very long time but I feel I am closing on to the very crux of it by sorting out the cumbersome tangles of thinking patterns which in my view comprise a major portion of non organic psychological problems. Others often get offended and can’t help even if they wanted to for they find the abnormal behavior twisting their sense and hence very uncomfortable and cumbersome. The patients themselves often don’t have insights into their faulty feelings and emotions and some times they deliberately tend to avoid and suppress dealing with their psychological by rushing through the things.

    You may choose not to read my analysis of my cognitive problem.

    At 12 my first problem was with thinking about planning and working out how to achieve goals

    I tried a direct approach focused on action and doing working under what ever idea came to mind but soon found out that it was not a very efficient way of managing things. So I thought about teaching myself to think through the problems thoroughly.

    I developed a system of Philosophical scrutiny about every thing trying to grasp such notions as realty the existence the truth the nature and the very substance and interrelations of things.

    Meta thinking that’s thinking about thinking itself in a reflective fashion, Aimed at minute hair splitting for polishing and continuous refinement of the concepts.

    Though such kind of thought patterns can generate great insights but they are not very helpful in achieving practical purposes due to time and resource constraints and also because it becomes a hindrance to action because thinking itself become an end in itself instead of a means to a practical end.

    Then I had some stipulations purely for self affliction.
    1- Deliberate self mental manipulation disrupting the sequential thoughts into erratic ones
    2- Not to use things unless I fully grasp how they work
    3- Thoroughness, thinking through completely.
    4- Deliberately developing confusing even torturing complexes, keeping track of them looking to resolve them later.
    5- Strictly not thinking about my problems and not investigating my affairs for I considered it to be a waste of time.
    6- I considered politics to be immoral and shunned any political thought deliberately suppressing the understanding of others political behavior and tactics.
    7- Avoiding social relationships and interactions and suppressing the social sense.
    8- Setting unreasonable conditions which hinder and harm
    9- Suppressing artistic and aesthetic sense even though I had a good artistic sense.
    10- Sitting to think about how to solve the problems while deliberately avoiding the real issues so as not to reach a solution
    11- Development of some thought templates, frame works and formulas and seeking to adjust every thing around them.

    Pretty fucked up I was with enemies out side and the enemy within. I had guilt feelings regarding seeking benefits for my self. I was even ashamed of success. I used to feel that when people feel jealous they get hurt so I should not perform or not be successful.

    I am truly amazed with human mind and how illogical it can get. Though I appreciate and appear to have analyzed my rather problems at a conscious intellectual level my habitual sub conscious and unconscious patterns are still not fully free from the affects of the forced stipulations. Maybe some change of settings some social environment where by I can totally reverse this faulty frame would help.

    Psychological problems involving cognitive and emotional complexes clearly appear to be having certain patterns.

    It’s just an idea maybe we can research it further. It seems some very subtle and wise but equally wicked sentience works here. It could be other people , we our selves or Some thing else that knows human mind all too well and very cunningly sends it down the labyrinth of mental problems and at times insanity.
    Some early schools of psychology suggested that and I’ve found references to same in religious texts.
  9. sunshinesunny

    sunshinesunny Well-Known Member

    its scary
  10. sunshinesunny

    sunshinesunny Well-Known Member

    i worry all the time
  11. sunshinesunny

    sunshinesunny Well-Known Member

    i am tired
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