The vow I made to myself

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Maceasar, Jun 27, 2014.

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  1. Maceasar

    Maceasar Member

    After my third suicide attempt in 1979, I made a vow to myself that I would kill myself in the next 10 years. Obviously that didnt happen but the vow I made to myself has loomed over me ever since.

    I have wandered through life with no purpose, no motivation, no ambition. I am on disability for anxiety attacks and I dont work. I try to get my act together and believe in myself but the cloud looms over my head.

    When I start something new, I will tell myself "why bother, Im only going to kill myself one day anyway" and as a result, I just exist, I dont live my life.

    I have tried to believe in myself but I just think Im fooling myself.

    Does anyone have any advice as to how I can move past this vow I made?

    Thank you,
  2. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I can relate to you because I have a lot of anxiety issues and panic attacks and I can't work. And like you I've been really existing day by day. But I think you need to surround yourself with supporting people, who encourage you no matter what you do. I don't have many myself, mainly my mom. But I think that I've been achieving things because I kick myself in the butt. And it feels good once you've done it.

    I would try small at first. Do you have social phobias? maybe go out somewhere that makes you uncomfortable just for a little while and then come back home. Stick to something once a week, no matter what happens, even if you have an anxiety attack. If you have a friend, you could do it with her/him...

    I wish I had a magic pill or potion to give you, heck I'd take it myself, but life is hard. The goal is to never give up, keep trying even after you fail. The outcome is worth it.
  3. Maceasar

    Maceasar Member

    The support from family comes and goes. They may say something positive this time and nothing another time. My mom is pretty good for the most part.

    My anxiety manifests in excessive sweating. Its something Ive dealt with since 1989. Back then I lived in Vancouver, I had to do things for myself, and 'going out and doing things' didnt help decrease the anxiety. Exposure therapy hasnt worked for me. The anxiety still exists. Some of my anxiety is body dysmorphic in nature and because I cant really change how I look, I feel like it will continue to be there. I know I need to change how I see myself but its easier said than done.
  4. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I totally agree with you. I sweat a lot too, I don't handle heat very well. Even in winter. I use antiperspirant on almost every part of my body.

    I think that anxiety will always be there no matter what you do. So you have to live with it. The goal is to do stuff you enjoy as much as possible, even if the anxiety gets in the way.

    I go to movies by myself and often I have panic attacks, I keep going and I think that it's gotten less hard to do it, I still get panic attacks but they seem less strong. Also after I've done something I try to tell myself, see? nothing bad happened. You had an okay time, and nothing bad happened.

    Of course it might not work right away but the more you repeat the new words, they more they will stick. Because you've been talking negatively to yourself for so long, same as me and many other people, that you've started to believe undoing this takes time. Don't give up though, keep at it no matter what.
  5. Maceasar

    Maceasar Member

    Funny enough but I avoided going to the movies but I started going when there was a movie that I did want to see. It has gotten easier to go. The more I use to avoid it, initially the harder / less comfortable it was to go.

    Ive gotten a bit off track and the vow is what I need help with if anyone has any insight that might help me look at it differently.

    Thanks for the replies
  6. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    The vow sounds very much like the outlook I have/had like it doesn't matter if I mess up I will kill myself, ignore your vow it was your way of coping with life, it's about changing that mindset that death is not the answer and learning new ways to cope with things, if that makes any sense?

    Certain therapies can help with that, CBT being the most common gone. Professional support that can give you stability as well as the support of those closest to you.

    Take care of yourself please

  7. Maceasar

    Maceasar Member

    I realize changing your miondset is the key but I dont know how to do it. I have been in therapy on and off since 1979.

    I said to my therapist that I want to talk about the vow and my suicidal idealization but the conversation gets eventually changed.

    I see him July 16th and I guess Ill have to re visit the topic


    Kind of like Dorothy regarding when she says "I dont think you have anything in there for me". I dont think anyone here has the magic answer because there probably isnt one.
  8. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Sorry that this has to be so brief, but am due to go away for a week tomorrow and need to pack....... but yes, there is a way to move past this, I promise. It's a question of renouncing the vow you made back then, if you feel that it is binding you up in some way.

    I will PM you details of a person who can help :)
  9. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    No ambition is a tough one. I've struggled with this my whole life. Some people seem to be born with it, or develop some at some point. I'm 25 and I've never had any kind of real ambition. I also get disability for mental health issues. You can only do the best you can. Getting out of the house is always good. No matter what it is. When all else fails, I come to this forum and talk with people who feel the same way, and that always helps.
  10. Maceasar

    Maceasar Member

    I got your message. Thank you. Ill wait until you are back and you can explain the link you included

    Thanks for your post
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