Hello again, everyone. It's been a very long time hasn't it? A lot has changed. I'm back in school and I've gotten engaged. Re-reading my old posts, I don't remeber ever feeling like I said back then. I'm so different. But some things don't seem to change. I'm not down, not depressed anymore, but I still catch myself thinking about suicide. Wanting to end my rapidly improving life. Like before, I still can't explain what makes me want it. The first time I though about doing something that might kill me (though I didn't understand that completely at the time), I was seven years old. I may have simply forgotten the reason and am acting out of habit. But that still means that I might give in. My fiancée has some idea of how bad I used to be, but has no idea that I still want to die. I can't talk about it with her, because she's having a low time of her own and she has enough to worry about without being afraid of losing me to something she thought I'd gotten over. I'm ashamed that I've kept this from her and that only makes things worse. I'm afraid of what I might do. My thoughts meander, it's who I am. But I've never felt so completely lost in them. I've been getting quieter again. If I don't talk about this, I may end up locked inside myself completely again.