The wanderer returns

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Meander, Oct 3, 2009.

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  1. Meander

    Meander Active Member

    Hello again, everyone. It's been a very long time hasn't it? A lot has changed. I'm back in school and I've gotten engaged. Re-reading my old posts, I don't remeber ever feeling like I said back then. I'm so different. But some things don't seem to change. I'm not down, not depressed anymore, but I still catch myself thinking about suicide. Wanting to end my rapidly improving life. Like before, I still can't explain what makes me want it. The first time I though about doing something that might kill me (though I didn't understand that completely at the time), I was seven years old. I may have simply forgotten the reason and am acting out of habit. But that still means that I might give in. My fiancée has some idea of how bad I used to be, but has no idea that I still want to die. I can't talk about it with her, because she's having a low time of her own and she has enough to worry about without being afraid of losing me to something she thought I'd gotten over. I'm ashamed that I've kept this from her and that only makes things worse. I'm afraid of what I might do. My thoughts meander, it's who I am. But I've never felt so completely lost in them. I've been getting quieter again. If I don't talk about this, I may end up locked inside myself completely again.
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you came here to post. I'm glad you're on a good path in life.

    When I first attempted suicide, I was amazed that 3 people I knew had made that attempt themselves. We had some long talks and I'm very grateful for that. One of them told me not to be surprised if I continue to think about suicide.

    I've learned that when I start thinking suicide, I'm putting a feeling aside that I need to address. Usually it is anger. Once I've pinpointed it, I don't always need to do something more than to remind myself that I made a decision not to do something for someone that they should be doing for themselves. Sometimes, it's because I feel powerless over a matter.

    What ever it is for you, you've made a very good decision to come here to post.

  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    sometimes when we get to a feeling of happiness we get uncomfortable because it is not what we are use to. Suicdal ideation can stay in the back of our mind I think talk therapy behavioral thought therapy can help are you on any medication to help decrease those thoughts at all. I am glad your life is improving for you.Go with it be happy and when those thoughts of suicide comes up just say ah that thought again and realize it is just a thought and then let it go.
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