The war inside of me

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by rtrt46546565, Sep 26, 2013.

  1. rtrt46546565

    rtrt46546565 Well-Known Member

    Mentally, I wanna die. But emotionally, I wanna live.

    Every day my mind wants me to end it. I think to myself logically, critically... Why live? I have nothing to live for and I'm not happy. Why stick around just to suffer? Why stick around and endure this pain just for the slight chance that things might get better who knows when?

    But every day my emotions want me to live. The fear of death keeps me alive... The process, the pain, what comes after. Love keeps me alive... Wanting to love someone, wanting someone to love me, wanting that passion with someone. No matter how much I think about wanting to die, my emotions are always there to battle those thoughts.

    It feels like there's a war going on inside of me between my mind and my emotions and I'm just a bystander waiting to see which side wins.
  2. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Okay I am going to try to respond to this for a 3rd time. Each time I try, my keyboard ends up deleting all the words. So one last try. Hi Matt. :) (yes thats how the first 2 attempts started) I understand, from my perspective what you are saying for sure. I think many people have similar feelings. I long to die. But yes I am afraid to. And also my heart tells me that I am here for a reason. And I should hold on no matter what. To succeed in whatever it is I came for. NO matter how hopeless I may think it is. This is just my feeling. I know most people do not think this way.

    So as much as I want to leave, I hang on. because of fear of the unknown. And becauise of fear that I was born for a reason and if I delete myself from this life, I might miss out on something of great value. Even though that is infathomable.

    There is a song from an old american musical called Showboat. The song is titled "old man river" I relate to part of one verse of the song.
    I get weary
    And sick of tryin'
    I'm tired of livin'
    And scared of dyin'

    It sums up so much of what I feel. I AM weary. I am sick of trying. I am tired of living and, well I am very scared of dying.
    Another thing that keeps me from attempting ( and I did buy and still have the equipment to do it) is that so many people who have tried and survived ended up causing irrepairable damage to their body. Usually liver or brain. I have enough problems without adding an attempt that went wrong and caused me more physical challenge and pain.... while still being alive stuck in this body. Seems 3rd try is the cyber charm. Clicking "send" before my luck runs out.
  3. rtrt46546565

    rtrt46546565 Well-Known Member

    Hey, flowers. :) Well firstly, I appreciate you sticking it through to get your message posted. Thank you.

    And yup, I pretty much feel the same as you do. No matter how much sense it makes in my head to end it, no matter how pathetic and hopeless my life gets, there are always those feelings there holding me back from doing it. I honestly wish I could just completely shut off my emotions but still have my thoughts so that I could maybe actually go through with it, as awful as that may sound to some.

    How do you feel about it? Like, do you wish you could bypass your emotions like I do, or are you actually glad they're there because that's what's holding you back from ending it? Or maybe something else? Because me personally, it actually pisses me off sometimes. There are times when I wanna die SO badly but I just can't go through with it because of this.