The Way I Feel

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Divine Rage, Oct 29, 2007.

  1. Divine Rage

    Divine Rage Member

    At the moment I feel rejected, it's like no one wants me. Even when I'm around people I feel lonely. It's like I can't make real contact with anyone in this world.

    They keep babbling and complaining about their little lives, no one really cares about me - all they do is wait for their turn to speak, they don't have any intention of listening, they are quick to judge you though. If a psychologist or psychiatrist really cared they wouldn't charge you so much. I guess they have to make a living but still... it's not quite right.

    I feel like I'm a liability to my family. I cruised through high school and started with College this year, but I stopped going to College after the first semester, I really had and still have no idea what I want to study. So now I have a few part time jobs, hopefully I'll get a real job next year. At the moment it's just not possible for me to be around people, I have no motivation to talk, laugh or even cry. I'm not earning enough money to be independant, I still need my parents to support me financially, this is why I feel that I'm just a liability. I also question my existence, I highly doubt that I was born with a purpose, I shouldn't have been born.

    It's like nothing makes sense, why I do things... Why I breathe, why I work, why I eat - I keep questioning these things and why I even bother trying. I lost all my friends since they went to a different place to study. There's also a girl I met in a clinic I went to - I can't stop thinking about her. I'm not sure I even like her, she has a boyfriend. But when I met her I was vulnerable and I got attached to her, now I can't let go. I don't want to be her friend, I like her too much. I'm trying to just forget about her but it's like I'm obsessed with her. I haven't even spoken to her for two weeks yet I think about her a lot.

    Some days I just sit in my room all day playing computer games, go on MySpace, and chat to people online (I guess this is the easiest way for me to talk to people). I have no motivation whatsoever to do anything, I don't want to go anywhere because I don't understand life. Why is everyone so normal? You're born, you get educated, start a family, die. Why does everyone do the same thing? I don't feel part of the word, I feel like a useless spectator watching from the sidelines. Nobody wants me, I don't understand why I need people so much. I want to be able to function on my own, I'll admit I want more people in my life, but I think it's weak to need people. It makes me too normal, for some reason I don't want to be normal. I want to be different than the average human, I don't know in what aspect I want to be different though. I've tried bodybuilding but there is no perseverance and will power here, the longest I've kept exercising is about two weeks, then I just give up like I do every day when I die inside.

    I'm lonely but won't admit it, I'm self conscious and I am shy, which makes it even harder for me to socialize. I am scared of myself, I don't like myself either. At the moment I'm on mood stabilizers, apparently I'm bipolar. But it feels like the meds aren't working. The only time I will talk and laugh and think life through is when I take sleeping pills (they make me "high".) It feels like that's all that can really make me happy (high).

    It feels like I die each day, I just want to fall into an endless sleep. I have family that care about me but it's not enough. I still feel lonely, but I feel lonely when I'm around people too - it's pretty much a hopeless situation.

    It's like I despise normal people, I hate normality.

    I think about suicide every day, when I sit in my room too long I get suicidal, when my parents critisize me for being a lazy bitch I get suicidal, maybe if I were around people it might have helped. I don't think I'll ever commit suicide, I'm too scared of the pain and where I'll go after death. There are also a few things I want to do before I die. Like get a tattoo and drive over 200KM p/h :D, get a girlfriend, etc...

    Lately I've been thinking about suicide more and more, it's because I feel like a liability, I feel incredibly lonely, like there is no one that wants me and no one understands me, I can't make real contact with ANYONE. I also feel self conscious and shy, everyone keeps telling me I have no reason to feel like that - but I can't help it. When I get suicidal like this, I take two sleeping pills to get high, without the pills I don't know what I'd do. Every day, I die inside, I give up, I surrender, yet I still keep living.

    I guess there's nothing to do but breathe and wait, next year I am getting a job (hopefully) and I can be part of the world. That is if I'm alive by then. I don't know how life got so hard for me, I overthink everything...

    Reality makes me sick, my future makes me depressed.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 29, 2007