the way i feel....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Shezamura, Jun 1, 2009.

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  1. Shezamura

    Shezamura Well-Known Member

    I hear these songs... playing over and over again and all i think of.... is you... Fallen.... best Evanescence album ever.... and when i hear it... i remember us playing as kids... always just having fun and joking... never thinking of our future... just living for the here and now... but now... since you left me... I long to die... I linger in the door way... of alarm clock screaming monsters calling my name... this field of paper flowers and candy clouds of lullaby...are no longer such things I can imagine anymore.... your not there next to me... your no longer there..... I'm alone... so very alone... and your leaving in seven days... to venture out into the world.... you will be so far away... where will you go.... what will you do.... how do you live so easily without me... when I have to work so hard to live without you?

    I wonder now.... what will I decide?... will I eventually move on?... or will I build a Wall again?.... will I erect the Clock Tower Prison?... or will it be something more devastating?.... what can I do.... I don't want to live... because living without her... is just like living without my soul... pointless....

    If I was holding my last breath samantha.... what would you do?... would you kiss me goodbye?... laugh?.... or tell me its going to be okay?.... If I was dying.... the last thing I ever want to see is you.... The honest truth.... is.... I don't plan on going on without you.... you already took over me... and without you there... who is there to replace you?... are you replaceable?... could someone actually love me more than you did?... would they be more faithful?.... would they be just like you?... would they ever beat you at the game called love?... could i ever love them as much or even more than i loved you?....

    I want to love you... but I cant... I shouldn't.... I should let you go... but ask yourself this... would you let your dreams pass you by?... would you accept trash instead of gold?.... would you pass up a hot meal for road kill?.... would you pass up the one you love more than anything in the world for someone less significant?... what would you do? Love is love..... no matter how that significant other may treat you.... If you love them... what can you do? I am so close to holding my last breath.... I am no longer safe in the cell... of thoughts of just you..... for it makes me want to end my life.... How safe can you be when you cant even be alone without wanting to kill yourself?

    Fallen.... thats what I am.... I used to be looked up as a great role model to many in my town... Me and you... we would have went many places... we would have changed the world.... we were like milk and cereal.... but now... I'm just a bore.... I'm just a pathetic boy who cant get over a heartbreak like everyone else.... is this the extent of my love?... was my love for her so deep that without her, my body can no longer grow?... that my soul cannot gradually build in spirit?... what am I going to do?.... What can I do when nothing seems to work... What can I do when the scars on my arm scream for more attention?.... What can I do when the blade begs me to let it relieve me of pain? When I close my eyes at night.... all I see is you.... how much more torment must I go through?... how much more?

    Why did God let me meet you?... Why did I ever move here.... why did my mom drive my father insane... and make us move here.... only for me to find the same torment just like she did to him... Why do I suffer.... Why can't she just leave my mind... why can't love ever win against lust?... why can't love ever when?.... I'm going.... under..... falling forever.... I just want to bleed it out... to let it all out of my body.... bleed all the feelings I had for you.... let this crimson river full of your lies flow out of me.... will I ever trust again?....

    I just think to myself every night.... where did I go wrong... was it me?... she says its her fault... but.... why would my poor samantha ever do that?... why would my innocent samantha ever betray me?.... Trust hurts.... Betrayal Kills.... and as of right now.... as of seven months ago.... its been killing me... and i have the scars to prove it.... not only on my body.... but in my heart.... for i fear the thought of loving ever again.... never thought someone could be damned to never love again? Is this my punishment God?... four years ago... I begged you to let me be with her... I begged you to fulfill my dream of "happily ever after".... and what did you do?.... you tricked me into believing that she would always be with me? What kind of God does that?.... and I believed in you so much.... even more than our relationship.... or did I not believe in you enough? why didn't you with all your power atleast lend a hand in saving her from her slow self destruction?.... why..... why...

    eventually.... I will probably kill myself.... I will burn in that place of undying torment.... and I will blame you.... for betraying me... for leaving me... for hurting me... for fucking him.... for fucking my friend... your cousin.... for taking a turn for the utmost worst.... I will write your name in blood... and blame you for what you did to me..... i will carve you name all over my body.... I will do these things to me.... but.... will I ever do anything to you?... what can I take away from you that you took from me?.... how can i take away your dream of traveling the world?... how do I do that without killing you.... the only way I can conceive... is shooting you in your knee caps... and making your travels... unfulfilled..... not able to dance anymore.... no longer appealing.... taking away your gifts of God and stealing your easy passage away to other places.... just like you took away my possibility to ever love again like I loved you... also known as loving someone with all my heart.... I loved you more than my own life.... I would always place my arm over you when I slammed on breaks to avoid a collision.... I always took care of you.... I was so gentle with your precious skin.... so delicate with your heart and your love..... I try... so hard to tell myself that your gone..... but why wont you go away?

    If were ment to be together.... If God does exist... then I will make it almost impossible for you to ever find me again....that way... if its ment to be.... then it was ment to happen.... I will continue.... to kill myself slowly... with your songs of torment and unfulfilled dreams.... killing me softly like you have been doing all this time... that ive been so alone.... and i know your still there.... watching me.... i can feel you pull me down... im fearing you.... more than death it self..... haunting me... my heart pounding in my head..... why do you love hurting me unintentionally? .... why am i stuck in this stupid imaginary place of solitude?.... why did I ever let you in so deep into my heart.... im a fool... for ever believing in the thing that was supposed to be the ultimate form of emotion.... Love....
     
  2. Samsara

    Samsara Well-Known Member

    You have a lot of pain...I wish there was something I could say.
     
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