The way life is is not okay.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TragicActor, Nov 20, 2014.

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  1. TragicActor

    TragicActor Member

    "God, help me fix the way life is,
    because the way life is is not okay,
    and it's not okay to say it's okay."

    I've basically been contemplating suicide on and off since I was 11. First it was being diagnosed as autistic (a diagnosis which has been disputed, again, on and off since then). Then it was feeling like a complete failure in high school in every single way. Then it was when I was in my 20s and I finally had a romantic relationship, we got engaged, and then she broke it off and cut off all communication with me. Then it was being constantly broke when I moved to New York after a series of career failures after graduating from college. Now it's constantly worrying whether my wife is going to divorce me or not, or if it's just another empty threat.

    And none of these things are okay.

    I married my wife in June of 2010. I dare say we've had our good moments, but we've had some really bad moments. And some of them have been my fault. But the fact is, I love my wife, and I love our two children. Unfortunately, on several of these occasions, she's threatened divorce, and on sometimes, she's tried to force me into a conversation to plan a divorce, which I have been unwilling to engage in.

    We got married and lived in Manhattan, then because of financial reasons, we moved around the New York area, and things became more and more stressful. Finally, we both realized that living in the New York area wasn't working, so we tried to move to the west coast. But when no one wanted to even consider interviewing me until we had already moved out there (and with first a family of three, then a family of four, there was no way we could move somewhere with no income), I was presented with an alternative idea - go back and get a second degree and use school as an excuse to move out. I got myself into a program with a west coast school (I'm not going to mention names to not give away our location) and we moved out here. There are so many things that are better out here, and yet ever since we've moved, we have fought so often, and she keeps bringing up how much she regrets marrying me.

    Today, she brought up divorce again. Only this time, she said she was actively thinking of ideas. On her own. I'm desperate to save my marriage, but I can't ask anyone for help. I've even been expressly forbidden to talk to anyone about it - not family, not friends (She says I don't have any friends, so there's no one for me to talk to in that regard) no church leaders, no counselors (I've been in counseling in the past - she says it doesn't work). And I wouldn't know who to ask anyway - I'm too scared that anyone I would ask would tell me I'm some sort of selfish wife abuser for wanting to save our marriage anyway, that maybe divorce would be better for both of us, that if she hates me that much, I'm disrespecting myself by wanting to stay with her, or some other stupid remark like that. They might say something like I can learn something from it and move on - well guess what? Other people don't have to get divorced to learn something, so why should I have to?

    I want to save my marriage. I want our lives to be better. I keep trying and trying to make that happen, and I keep failing, and it pisses me off. If my marriage isn't fixable, then I would be better off killing myself.
     
  2. Bart

    Bart Banned Member

    A couple of things....... Firstly, it's very important to consider the two children in this. A marriage break up affects them very badly. Has your wife given sufficient thought to this? Secondly, is she not willing to engage in some sort of couples therapy? In the UK, it's almost obligatory to go for counselling before a divorce can be contemplated.

    I wonder about her attitude. She doesn't seem to want any help. Effectively banning you (can she really do that?) from seeking help, and using a vicious tongue to get her message across strikes me as there being something wrong with her whole attitude to life.

    I wonder how honest she's actually being with you. Is there a hidden agenda?
     
  3. K8E

    K8E Well-Known Member

    Obviously we're only hearing one side in your post so it is difficult to get a clear picture of what is going on. However, your wife is being unreasonable and unfair by 'banning' you from talking to others about your problems, especially when she appears so set on divorce. It sounds to me as if you are being deliberately isolated. There are lots of services and people who you can speak to in confidence and you need the support and advice. If you are a student then the college will have confidential counselling and support available.
     
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You deserve to seek support for what's going on; nobody has the right to forbid you, to tell you that you can't talk to anyone or reach out for help.
     
  5. TragicActor

    TragicActor Member

    She doesn't want counseling, either me by myself or the two of us together, because she says we've done counseling before and it hasn't worked in the past, so it won't work now.

    We had another blowout today. This time because I prepared Mac & Cheese for our son, because he asked for ice cream, and I suggested he eat Mac & Cheese first, and he said okay. But then she insisted he eat pineapple as well, and he didn't want to, and then it became a fight between her and him. I tried to encourage him to eat the pineapple (mainly to avoid an argument with her), but he didn't want to, and he started throwing a huge temper tantrum.

    Things spiraled even worse when she turned it into an argument with me. Then, once again, according to her, I don't care, I don't care about her, I don't care about our children, etc, and our marriage isn't fixable, and she rejects any solution I have to offer to try and make things better. She even accused me of mocking her when I once again suggested counseling with either a therapist or an ecclesiastical leader.

    She even said she's going to move out of our bedroom and sleep on the couch because she's already decided our marriage isn't fixable. She said our marriage is hurting her, and she wants relief from the pain, and to her, the only way to get it is for our marriage to end. :-(
     
  6. TragicActor

    TragicActor Member

    What's even worse is I asked her what would happen if I would die tomorrow (I hypothesized a car accident, not suicide), and she said she didn't know. I just read on another thread how suicide tears a family apart, but it almost feels like she wishes I would die so that she wouldn't have to go through the trouble of divorcing me. :-(
     
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