"God, help me fix the way life is,
because the way life is is not okay,
and it's not okay to say it's okay."
I've basically been contemplating suicide on and off since I was 11. First it was being diagnosed as autistic (a diagnosis which has been disputed, again, on and off since then). Then it was feeling like a complete failure in high school in every single way. Then it was when I was in my 20s and I finally had a romantic relationship, we got engaged, and then she broke it off and cut off all communication with me. Then it was being constantly broke when I moved to New York after a series of career failures after graduating from college. Now it's constantly worrying whether my wife is going to divorce me or not, or if it's just another empty threat.
And none of these things are okay.
I married my wife in June of 2010. I dare say we've had our good moments, but we've had some really bad moments. And some of them have been my fault. But the fact is, I love my wife, and I love our two children. Unfortunately, on several of these occasions, she's threatened divorce, and on sometimes, she's tried to force me into a conversation to plan a divorce, which I have been unwilling to engage in.
We got married and lived in Manhattan, then because of financial reasons, we moved around the New York area, and things became more and more stressful. Finally, we both realized that living in the New York area wasn't working, so we tried to move to the west coast. But when no one wanted to even consider interviewing me until we had already moved out there (and with first a family of three, then a family of four, there was no way we could move somewhere with no income), I was presented with an alternative idea - go back and get a second degree and use school as an excuse to move out. I got myself into a program with a west coast school (I'm not going to mention names to not give away our location) and we moved out here. There are so many things that are better out here, and yet ever since we've moved, we have fought so often, and she keeps bringing up how much she regrets marrying me.
Today, she brought up divorce again. Only this time, she said she was actively thinking of ideas. On her own. I'm desperate to save my marriage, but I can't ask anyone for help. I've even been expressly forbidden to talk to anyone about it - not family, not friends (She says I don't have any friends, so there's no one for me to talk to in that regard) no church leaders, no counselors (I've been in counseling in the past - she says it doesn't work). And I wouldn't know who to ask anyway - I'm too scared that anyone I would ask would tell me I'm some sort of selfish wife abuser for wanting to save our marriage anyway, that maybe divorce would be better for both of us, that if she hates me that much, I'm disrespecting myself by wanting to stay with her, or some other stupid remark like that. They might say something like I can learn something from it and move on - well guess what? Other people don't have to get divorced to learn something, so why should I have to?
I want to save my marriage. I want our lives to be better. I keep trying and trying to make that happen, and I keep failing, and it pisses me off. If my marriage isn't fixable, then I would be better off killing myself.
because the way life is is not okay,
and it's not okay to say it's okay."
I've basically been contemplating suicide on and off since I was 11. First it was being diagnosed as autistic (a diagnosis which has been disputed, again, on and off since then). Then it was feeling like a complete failure in high school in every single way. Then it was when I was in my 20s and I finally had a romantic relationship, we got engaged, and then she broke it off and cut off all communication with me. Then it was being constantly broke when I moved to New York after a series of career failures after graduating from college. Now it's constantly worrying whether my wife is going to divorce me or not, or if it's just another empty threat.
And none of these things are okay.
I married my wife in June of 2010. I dare say we've had our good moments, but we've had some really bad moments. And some of them have been my fault. But the fact is, I love my wife, and I love our two children. Unfortunately, on several of these occasions, she's threatened divorce, and on sometimes, she's tried to force me into a conversation to plan a divorce, which I have been unwilling to engage in.
We got married and lived in Manhattan, then because of financial reasons, we moved around the New York area, and things became more and more stressful. Finally, we both realized that living in the New York area wasn't working, so we tried to move to the west coast. But when no one wanted to even consider interviewing me until we had already moved out there (and with first a family of three, then a family of four, there was no way we could move somewhere with no income), I was presented with an alternative idea - go back and get a second degree and use school as an excuse to move out. I got myself into a program with a west coast school (I'm not going to mention names to not give away our location) and we moved out here. There are so many things that are better out here, and yet ever since we've moved, we have fought so often, and she keeps bringing up how much she regrets marrying me.
Today, she brought up divorce again. Only this time, she said she was actively thinking of ideas. On her own. I'm desperate to save my marriage, but I can't ask anyone for help. I've even been expressly forbidden to talk to anyone about it - not family, not friends (She says I don't have any friends, so there's no one for me to talk to in that regard) no church leaders, no counselors (I've been in counseling in the past - she says it doesn't work). And I wouldn't know who to ask anyway - I'm too scared that anyone I would ask would tell me I'm some sort of selfish wife abuser for wanting to save our marriage anyway, that maybe divorce would be better for both of us, that if she hates me that much, I'm disrespecting myself by wanting to stay with her, or some other stupid remark like that. They might say something like I can learn something from it and move on - well guess what? Other people don't have to get divorced to learn something, so why should I have to?
I want to save my marriage. I want our lives to be better. I keep trying and trying to make that happen, and I keep failing, and it pisses me off. If my marriage isn't fixable, then I would be better off killing myself.
