The 'weight' issue

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by RainbowChaser, Apr 15, 2007.

  1. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    I'm big. I accept that. I quite often find myself making jokes about it or saying something negative about it, but that's just to stop others from saying it first (I'm horribly competitive).

    I've also had to come to accept that, due to my size, no-one will probably ever love me.

    It's a well known fact that my ex likes bigger women, but I must have taken the biscuit. A couple of months before we split up, he moved out of his parents house, and into a place where sleeping in the same room wouldn't be a problem. I knew that the two people who'd shared the room previously (including sharing a single bed) were also 'big' people. And for the first weekend, everything seemed okay. But after that weekend, he told me that I tipped the matresses too much (there were two piled up on the bed) for him to be able to sleep and so we couldn't sleep in the same bed.

    It hurt so much that I wanted to cry myself to sleep at night when I was there, but I couldn't because he was technically sleeping next to me still, albeit a couple of feet above me, as I had to sleep on a matress on the floor.

    Even tho it has been almost a year since this happened, it still upsets me. I think it upsets me more now that I've gained even more weight - after all, if someone who liked 'bigger' girls couldn't deal with me then, who's gonna love me now that I'm the size of a small whale?

    It doesn't help either knowing that, if I wanted to OD, I would have to take twice as many pills due to my weight. Ironic really, as it's other people's attitudes towards my weight that sometimes (even tho I feel that quite rarely) make me feel like that anyway.

    Sorry if this makes no sense...
  2. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    So sorry hun :hug: Just let this all out doesn't matter if you don't think iy'll make sense to people, it's you that needs the benifit of venting. :hug:
  3. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    Thing is, I really just need someone to understand what I'm going through with this - I mainly posted it here cos I couldn't work out where else to put it :sad:
  4. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    If it makes you feel any better I have eating disorders and same type of prroblem in that sense I'd say. :hug: If you ever wanna talk about it with a fellow person with a weight issue then message me anytime hun, honestly. I do understand. :hug:
  5. InnerStrength

    InnerStrength Well-Known Member

    Hey, I know what you're going through. As far as the whole 'weight problem' thing goes, anyway. I'm borderline anorexic-looking. Combine that with being a man--which makes it extremely hard (moreso) to have a positive body image. So in that respect, I do empathize.

    But, the one thing that makes weight problems worse is, of course, the depression that eventually accompanies them. Like it or not, we live in a physical world, where our bodies are part of the link to happiness. It took me a long time to realize that, well, to re-realize it at least. Working out, even in a small capacity, makes people feel good.

    Just yesterday I started a small exercise regime. Just running in place for a few minutes and doing a few sets of push ups. Not much, but it's something to build on, you know? Maybe that's something to consider, small baby steps.

    More importantly, you have to constantly think of things that make you WANT to exercise. Whether to just improve your body for health's sake (which is probably the best way) or for the social aspect of it (which is why most of of us do it).

    Now, the ironic thing is, I need to learn to swallow my own advice...:rolleyes:
  6. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Rsa..god that feels like its right out of my life...i make jokes about myself so no one else can that way i can hurt in my own mind and people don't have to confirm it.

    As for your exbf thats' really mean of him to say..he obviously loved you before you moved in and for him to say what he said is wrong. KNow that im always here if you need to talk :hug:
  7. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    If he was wrong then, he wouldn't be now - I just had a bath and could barely move in it :blub:
  8. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    sweetie, im so sorry you feel this way.
    reading ur post nearly made me cry. it sounded like me. i know EXACTLY how you feel!!!
    why are we letting others make us feel this bad anyways hun? we ARE better than them you know.
    as for the not being loved hun, thats so untrue. there is someone out there for you hun. have faith. and anyone who doesnt like you purely for your weight isnt worth it anyway.
    i know you wont believe a word of this because people say the same things to me and i never do.
    pm/msn/email me anytime hunni :hug:
  9. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Aw angel, I know a woman who has struggled with her weight her entire life, but the good news is that she has been happily married for most of it. You will find love. I'm sorry for what you are going through and NOBODY has the right to make you feel unworthy of it, not even you.
  10. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    :( I wish I could give you a real hug, but this will have to do. :hug:

    I'm sure you will be loved, no, scrap that, I'm sure you ARE loved, for the person that YOU ARE. I know it sounds cliche but seriously, from the chats that we've had you seem like a lovely person and if someone judges you simply or ultimately on your weight issue and ignores or dismisses the REAL person that you are then chances are they are not worth your time, nor your tears. :hug:

    I can understand how hurt you must have felt after your ex said that to you, it was out of order and didn't take your feeling into consideration. As hard as it may be, you need to try and let that event go and try to move on from it. Not everyone will judge you cause of your weight, and not everyone will dismiss you and not want to be in a relationship because of your weight. Being 'big' doesn't mean you are ugly, being 'big' doesn't mean you're not a nice person. Everyone has different tastes and I'm not going to sit here and say guys don't go for size 10s because some of them do BUT at the same time, guys also go for bigger girls. It's a matter of taste; not everyone is the same so please don't count yourself out. :hug:

    Ultimately, the body is a shell, what really matters and what should matter is what's on the inside. :hug: Take care of yourself hun.
  11. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    I knew there was a reason I loved you :hug:
  12. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    Maybe, I guess it's just hard to believe that at times, y'know?
  13. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    :hug: Thanks hunny :hug:
  14. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    :blub: I just had to throw away loads of clothes cos they don't fit me anymore...
  15. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    I know the feeling :hug:
  16. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Is it that you are competetive? Or is it that if you say it first then no one else will. Attack is the best form of defence and all that.

    I know what size you are, we talked about it before, and yes, you are bigger than average, but certainly not huge. And I can't see why no one will love you. I know some GORGEOUS larger ladies, and that generally comes from inner confidence and self belief which oozes from every pore in their body. It's not an over confidence, it is just an 'I'm ok' type of confidence. And this confidence kind of makes a glow about them. Maybe, like I have suggested before, so things to improve your selfesteem. They are not selfish things to do, it focuses on you, but that is not a bad thing. You need to see the good things about yourself.

    Having two mattresses piled up on one bad is wobbly with just one person on. Let alone two. No matter what your size was, if he sleeps that badly then he woudl not have coped with a mattress like that. Be you skinny, or large, tall or short, it would move the mattress. He sounds just selfish to be honest, and also a light sleeper.

    Did he know that he hurt you? Did you ever tell him? I'm not surprised it hurt, he chose something to focus on (wrongly, I might add) that you have worries about anyway.

    It sounds like you have never healed the pain that it caused to hear that. He couldn't deal with you, because of his own flaws, it was not to do with you, I suspect, even though he said it was. And you are not the size of a small whale, even if you do feel like it. You need to have more confidence within yourself to see you for what you really are, not your distorted view of yourself.

    :hug: other people suck, and it's only the ignorant ones that comment on others weight.

    I have a stupid question to ask, but I'm going to ask anyway. Why is it that you have gained weight? Is it meds? Poor diet? Over eating? If you can figure out what it is, then you stand a better chance at being able to do something about it, if you wanted to.

    And as for getting rid of clothes because they are too small, could you get something beautiful in a smaller size, to aim for it somehow? Or would that not work?

    And getting rid of clothes is a good way to totally spring clean your wardrobe and get some clothes that you feel confident in.

    Hang in there honey
  17. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    A bit of both I guess. It's alot easier hearing it from me than anyone else I guess.

    I used to be quite nasty and arrogant as a kid - everytime I do something to improve my self esteem, I feel myself going back there, and honestly I'd rather not :sad:

    Well, let's face it - he's not the brightest bulb in the box, bless him.

    I'd tried that one before about another issue - needless to say, it didn't go down well, and I didn't try it again. Well, not until a while later about another issue and that didn't go down well either - I had my breakdown and he dumped me. Telling him anything I felt other than happy always made me feel bad afterwards and telling him he'd done anything that upset me was even worse.

    A mix of all three I guess. But at the same time I can't say I'd benefit emotionally from losing weight. When I was younger (and a hell of a lot skinnier) I wanted to be skinnier than I was, even tho it wouldn't be healthy. I was even starving myself at times - again, not something I want to go back to if I can help it.

    Sorry I'm so much of a pain :hug:
  18. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Who said you were a pain? You answered my post honestly, can't ask for more than that.

    You might have been arrogant and nasty before, but that comes either from over confidence, or the fact that you are using it as a defense mechanism because you feel so bad. If you can get genuine esteem, of an appropriate level, you will not feel the nees to be nasty.

    But when you say nasty and arrogant, was that just your standard or by everyones standard? Because you have a very low opinion of yourself so it could be that you saw yourself worse than you did.

    Maybe instead of setting out trying to lose weight, you could aim to become healthy. Like go cycling, power walking, do skipping, things like that, that would make you fitter. If you get fitter that might help you with confidence.

    It sounds like you have struggled with body image for a while, I can't remember, have you had any sort of therapy? Like counselling? Or specific therapies like CBT?
  19. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Aw angel :hug:

    I know how it feels to have to get rid of clothes that don't fit anymore...unfortunately, I refuse to do it :) I guess I'm always hoping I'll fit into them again. Your view is a much healthier one though...who needs getting up every day and trying to cram into too-tight clothes? That's enough to send one into depression.

    BTW, join the arrogant child club! Sometimes when I look back at the way I used to behave toward others, I want to cringe.

    Also, I have 2 mattresses piled onto each other in my bed because I like to sleep up high. Well, I weigh less than my husband and I always wake up with my side hanging off the edge, so scum is right, it has nothing to do with weight. 2 mattresses are just plain slippery, especially if you move around a lot in your sleep :)

    I think you have a WONDERFUL p.o.v. about your weight. You're not satisfied with it, but you aren't going to starve yourself. What kind of life is that? Health-wise, I've been trying the Okinawa diet lately. Lots of fish, fruits, veggies, LOTS of good carbs (I'm a carb junkie) and even meat and desserts sometimes. It's not very restrictive, so you're never really hungry. I'm mostly doing it because people in Okinawa are the healthiest, most long-lived people in the world, so I thought, what the heck? If I lose a few pounds in the process, I won't complain! :)

    Anyway, try to hang in there...I know it's tough, but you seem like such a wonderful person :)

    PM me if you ever want to chat about anything :)
  20. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    Honestly, I wish I knew. All I know is that I didn't have alot of friends at the time.

    I've had a little bit of counselling for other issues (like my notorious temper), but not for this. Let's face it, body image isn't exactly a priority when it comes to a counsellor's schedule...