The wheels just popped off again.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by EvolutionFails, Jan 28, 2008.

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  1. So much for my sobriety. I've been high and/or drunk for the past 5 days. I actually felt content, and numb enough not to look through these boards for encouragement. Tonight I even won $55 playing poker. Then half an hour ago I lost $10 and everything came rushing back, even though I'm ahead tonight. Is this what you call a trigger?

    I eat too much and I'm still hungry, I'm probably gaining 5 pounds a week and making myself look even worse. I don't even know if I look bad, but I'm assuming that could play into a lot of me not having any peer contact outside of work/school.

    My job also cut down my hours, which makes any fantasy I ever had of independent living (even if I would starve) laughable.

    How do I meet new people? No matter how hard I try to hide the bad things about myself, it always seems to reveal itself within a matter of days that I'm nothing more than a basket case and a burden on anyone who will listen. That's why I refuse therapy too; no counselor I have ever talked to has had a viable solution to offer. They more or less get sick of me and try to convince me to take pills or live in a psych ward because they don't know anything else to do (some experts).

    Wow I feel like a 14 year old girl. One friend. One date. One smile. Is it possible to achieve?
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    Yep, it's absolutely possible. Like everything, friendships and relationships will happen for you, with time and some work.

    Are you getting any support with your sobriety? It's hard to do it alone... I went to AA for a while, although ultimately I decided it wasn't for me. But it sure helped those first couple years. I've posted elsewhere how early sobriety felt... existing in the world without being high was like growing a new skin. I slipped so many times 'cos I was so scared. But I did make it.

    When I'm depressed it seems like the "bad" side of me is everything, that it's 100% of my personality and thatn I am 100% alone. But my true friends see another side of me as a kind and generous friend, my weird sense of humour, my experiments in cooking, my photography.

    We've never met, but I am certain that you have these other sides, too... it's just hard to see 'em at the moment.

    Hang in there, and please consider getting some support. Keep trying until you find a group or therapist that is right for you,

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