So much for my sobriety. I've been high and/or drunk for the past 5 days. I actually felt content, and numb enough not to look through these boards for encouragement. Tonight I even won $55 playing poker. Then half an hour ago I lost $10 and everything came rushing back, even though I'm ahead tonight. Is this what you call a trigger? I eat too much and I'm still hungry, I'm probably gaining 5 pounds a week and making myself look even worse. I don't even know if I look bad, but I'm assuming that could play into a lot of me not having any peer contact outside of work/school. My job also cut down my hours, which makes any fantasy I ever had of independent living (even if I would starve) laughable. How do I meet new people? No matter how hard I try to hide the bad things about myself, it always seems to reveal itself within a matter of days that I'm nothing more than a basket case and a burden on anyone who will listen. That's why I refuse therapy too; no counselor I have ever talked to has had a viable solution to offer. They more or less get sick of me and try to convince me to take pills or live in a psych ward because they don't know anything else to do (some experts). Wow I feel like a 14 year old girl. One friend. One date. One smile. Is it possible to achieve?