The whining of a young man....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by 12Camels34, Aug 19, 2012.

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  1. 12Camels34

    12Camels34 New Member

    I'm writing this thread, for a purpose. A purpose that will hopefully work, people always say, write about it, tell someone, it will make you feel better to just... let it out. I'm hoping, by expressing my feelings, all be it, in an anonymous fashion, to absolute strangers. I may be able to cope better, with what is a bitter, lonely existence now.

    For the purposes of this thread, my name is Jason. I'm 22 years old, and I graduated from University last year, with first class honours. Yet I often feel, that piece of paper, is the only thing I have to show for the 22 years I've spent on this planet.

    The fact of the matter is, for a number of years now, I've been feeling desperately lonely. I'm a gay male, and, whilst I'm COMPLETELY at ease with being homosexual, as I don't believe it's actually that big a deal, I didn't always think like that. From an early age, I always hid my true self away, whether it be hiding my sexuality, hiding my teenage rebellion, or generally hiding my feelings, I've became very adept at living two lives, the one which is visible to those around me, and a separate life, all my own, inside my own head, which is not such a great place.

    My younger years, were tough. Bullied from an early age, suffering from a lot of nerves, I rarely stepped outside my own box, and it made me miserable, on a constant basis. Tensions were rife within the family, as familiarity breeded contempt, I often felt lonely, angry, a whole host of emotions, and I wondered at what point there would be positive changes.

    Last June, after completing university, there was a big change in my life, I moved out from the family home. Initially, the independence seemed to have a positive impact on my life, I had my own place in the world, with which to place pride upon. I was standing on my own two feet, and could look at myself as "successful" in a respect. At the beginning of the year, I made myself a new years resolution, and that was, to fight through the nerves, and start living my life.

    It all started so great. The end of March approached, I met this guy, who seemed quite nice, and after a few weeks, I gathered up my courage, and I asked him out, and, he said YES. Oh god, I was ecstatic, the positive changes in my life, seemed to be yielding positive results. We met up and went for our first date, just drinks, and it went really well. Some weeks later, when his hectic schedule had died down, we went out again, spent the day together, had a fucking blast. and then, our third date not even a week after that, had a really good time.

    This was early June. It was eventually starting to seem as though the smile I wear on my face every day, and the chirpy attitude I have, was actually, genuine, it wasn't just a way of shielding my inner feelings. My confidence was starting to grow, I was meeting new people, I was doing things I'd always wanted to do, and admittedly, I was a tad smitten, not a feeling I'd ever experienced before.

    After our third date, contact dropped a bit, I was a bit concerned, but, I pressed on, I didn't mind the "chase", it seemed worth it, and he did have a lot going on. Fast forward to near the end of June, and we're due to meet up for our fourth date, I'm stood waiting, in the rain, my phone had died, he'd tried to re-arrange, and I was completely unaware of this fact. Within the space of 30 minutes, the self confidence I'd built up, had completely drained.

    Naturally, quite upset, I asked him what was going on, I told him if he didn't want to go out again, I'd prefer to know directly, but also that I didn't hold any bad feelings for what had happened that night, it was an accident, all be it a humiliating one, and I'd really like to go out again, as long as that was what HE wanted too. He told me how sorry he was, he explained how much was going on, and then I got the cliche lines "I'm not sure about starting a relationship", and "Maybe it's best to work on when I'm back and settled", "You're a great guy", "I'm definitely still up for going out though, I just don't want to rush into anything". I sorta accepted what he said, as the truth, it all confused me a lot, and he was due to go travelling for a couple of months not long after this.

    But, since that day, I feel more and more, as though I was completely made a mug of, I allowed someone into my personal life, and they abused that privilege, and I feel as though I can't trust people. Since that day, my job is now in threat, I'm having to deal with the manager making constant horrid remarks about me. My father is terminally ill, I've only just discovered this, he'd tried to commit suicide in January, and it was a hellish time, however, the fact he was dying was hid from me, until just recently, so I'm furious and extremely upset at the same time.

    So much effort went into making this year, a year for change. The only change that seems to have happened, is that I've experienced a little taste of happiness, and it's made me feel all the worst. I always used to say, "You never miss what you never had". I had family stability, that's now gone. I had a taste of a better life, that's been ripped away. I can't sleep, I have no appetite, I'm pretty much wasting away.

    At what point, do you give up? At what point, do you ask for help, and more importantly... WHO do you ask for help? I try to be the person who is there for everyone else, I'd answer my phone at 4am to help a friend in need, but, I've never been sure if I could count on the situation being the same if the roles were reversed, and to discover they weren't, could be the straw that broke the camel's back.

    I don't want to lean on my family, as quite honestly, i'm the rock holding the unit together at the moment, and me opening up about this, would just rock the boat.

    I just need some advice. I'm starting to worry myself, I walk past a bridge, and I have to stop myself, I've had to get rid of all the pills in my home, just incase a moment of extreme weakness is the end of me, but, if I carry on down this little spiral I've got caught in, I'll find a way. Fuck sake, I'm just so sad at the moment, and nobody knows, because I've lived my entire life in secrecy, I've made my own bed, but I don't want to lie in it :(
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...not to minimalize what you have written, but dont you hate when someone ___ on your birthday cake...because one person treated you like this does not mean this is the way the world is, as you know, but it truly does stink (I am such a lady!)...try to keep up the mojo for yourself and the next/right person will hopefully understand what a privilege it is to be with you...welcome again, and clearly you are not whining
  3. letmedisappear

    letmedisappear Well-Known Member

    Hi there, and welcome to SF. I'm really sorry about what happened to you in June... it really is crushing when someone kind of just lets you go like that. Last year, a guy and I had a "mutual break up"... yea, "mutual". More like he was sick of me not being able to rise to his standards. I must say, you're fairly lucky - he didn't seem to think anything was bad; he was the one at fault. You seem like a really great guy. I really hope that you'll stay strong and let someone else into your life like that, and if they crush you, just do it again. And again. And again - until you find the guy that's absolutely PERFECT for you, who loves you back and is ready to be with you. And every time you fall, you'll have more experience when you get back up. It may seem depressing...but in the long run, you're the real winner here.

    I'm so very glad that you've gotten rid of methods. You may be quiet, but you seem very strong willed, and it's fantastic that you want to keep going. And really, it'll be worth it :)

    As for advice, when and who to ask... well... first, never give up. But you don't have to give up to ask for help. Personally, I don't even wait until I've hit the bottom. The first sign of stumbling, I reach out to one of my friends. I talk, I laugh, I take pictures (a hobby of mine), I go out for a walk. Something to help pick me back up before I fall.

    Second, reach out to your friends at any time. Ask them to talk, to hang out. Something that will strengthen your bond so that the day you need them, they WILL be there for you. Try opening up to someone, maybe a friend or seek out professional help, just to start opening up to others.

    Third, you've always got support here. SF is open for everyone to talk and we all are really supportive of one another.
    Hope this helped :)
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    If you are feeling depressed hun suidicidal then you talk to your doctor ok You see what supports are out there in your community to help you You do not have to fight this alone.
    Like said hun there will always be others to connect with perhaps one that will be your soul mate We all have hit and misses in relationships but with each one we learn hun so i hope you dont give up. Continue to talk to us here to ok it does help to know you are heard hugs
  5. kroque93

    kroque93 Member

    a san franpsycho! :)

    so am i.
    i never had a moment where things picked up for me when i got here. when i started going to school i was a workaholic, still am. also i have no social life really. Well i go out but can't enjoy it really unless i want to feel like a nervous wreck. Even if i do this weekly, and have joined a meet up group i can't shake this.

    Its good you can do that getting close to people thing, kudos1!!

    Seriously you will figure it out if you keep moving. It could feel a lot more hopeless. if your childhood was like a pressure cooker that can be a good thing. You maybe more depressed but at least you have self-control, compassion, etc. People who have upbringings like that have to try really hard to put things back together. if you think too much there's another plus...
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