The whole I've dug for myself is too deep

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by WeUsedToWait, Sep 20, 2012.

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  1. WeUsedToWait

    WeUsedToWait New Member

    The hole I've dug for myself is too deep

    (hole, not whole...I suck so much at everything, I cant even avoid fucking up the title when I post on a suicide forum)

    I barely have the energy to write this. I'm so fucking depressed.

    I've never been brutally and entirely honest about all of my problems with anyone...so here it goes. It might get a little long...I apologize. I'm sure there's a chance nobody will actually read it.

    I weigh 500 lbs.

    I've fought a war with myself over my weight every day of my life.

    I'm divorced (33 years old). My wife left me because I couldn't control my weight. I was 370lbs when we got married. I promised her I would lose weight, and instead of losing I gained...a lot.

    I'm still very much in love with my ex wife. I mean nothing to her now. It has been almost 3 years since we first separated. She has moved on and says she is in love with somebody else.

    I would give anything to have another chance with her. I am crippled with regret.

    I hate myself so much for not being a better husband and a better man when I was with her.

    When we separated and got divorced we were so awful to eachother. I said and did horrible things to her. And she said and did horrible things to me. It's all my fault though. If I had been a better person then so would she.

    Last year I moved back to my family on the east coast. I made a little bit of money, and then a few months ago I moved back to California. I got an apartment that is only one mile away from where my ex wife works. I was hoping we could possibly reconnect but she has refused to come to my apartment. She has invited me to our old house a couple times though, and I have seen her. I spent $500 on care for our dog that she said she couldn't afford. And she let me come and get some of my old stuff. She hugged me the last time I was there, it was nice. She also commented that I haven't lost any weight.

    I am almost out of money and I'm being evicted from my apartment. After this month is over I'm going to take the rest of the money I have and go back to the east coast. I'm hoping I can move back in with my dad and step-mother like I did last winter, but I don't think my step-mother wants me there. I could potentially be homeless.

    Last night I dreamed that somebody I care very much about but now hates me talked to me again. I was so happy...and then I woke up. It's not the first time I've dreamed this person has talked to me.

    That person is my ex wife's sister.

    After my ex wife and I separated I did attempt to hook up with her sister. Her and I were very good friends. We spent a lot of time together, and after her sister and I separated she was the one who helped me the most and did her best to make sure I was ok. Part of the reason I wanted to hook up with her was to hurt my ex wife (she was already seeing another guy), but I had always been attracted to her. What I did was so stupid because her friendship meant so much to me. She was like my 2nd best friend in the world, after my wife. She was so creeped out she didn't talk to me for months...but eventually she got over it and we became good friends again. And then I talked to her ex who emotionally abused her and conspired with him to break her up with her new girlfriend (she is bisexual). She obviously found out, and has not spoken to me in a year and a half. I have texted her a couple times but she has just ignored me. I realize how extremely wrong what I did was...I'm so sorry. I am so glad that she is still in that relationship today, they are great for eachother.

    I'm horrible at being a person.

    I barely have any friends. I have a lot of acquaintances, but none of them are close friends at all. I wish I had closer friends.

    I'm so lonely and isolated. I can't stand it. I need to be around people.

    The only reason I haven't already killed myself is because I don't want to make my parents feel that much pain.

    I don't know if God really exists and it is driving me crazy. I don't even know if I want God to exist or not. I probably do I guess. But not quite in the way humans have described. That would be too fucked up.

    I drink a lot...usually by myself. I know it's bad. On the rare chance that I actually get to socialize with people I feel like I need to drink because otherwise I'm too boring. When I'm alone I drink just to get the courage to talk to people online. I try to talk to my acquaintances and turn them into friends while drunk, and they just get creeped out and I lose whatever shred of friendship I had with them.

    Don't just tell my to get psychological help. I don't have the money for that. I have to move soon. My problems are physical. If I could somehow finally get control of my weight and lose it I know I could be happy. I need to lose 300 pounds though...it just feels so impossible. If I'm fat I will always be miserable, no matter what kind of pills I'm told to take. If I could lose the weight I would be confident..and people would be more drawn to me. Ive tried many times but I just can't sustain it. Lately I've just given up.

    There is more I could say but this is getting too long already.

    Killing myself would solve all of my problems all at once.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 20, 2012
  2. barryperry

    barryperry New Member

    Re: The hole I've dug for myself is too deep

    Definitely a tough situation. But here's what I think you should do (in this order):

    1) Find a steady job
    2) Go to therapy
    3) Lose that weight (hopefully, your therapist could provide you with some options for this)
    4) Meet a new girl

    I STRONGLY suggest not trying to reconnect with your ex-wife or her sister. Sometimes, you just have to let things go. Tons of other girls out there. When you become that new you, I'm sure they'll love you :)

    And don't sweat it, man. Everybody makes mistakes. But nobody can solve your problem but you. Things WILL get better. I promise.

    Whenever I'm down, I think of this quote:

    "Sometimes you're flush and sometimes you're bust, and when you're up, it's never as good as it seems, and when you're down, you never think you'll be up again, but life goes on. "
     
  3. Lps

    Lps Well-Known Member

    Re: The hole I've dug for myself is too deep

    Hey there - I see you felt you're bad at being a person. I had to laugh because EVERYBODY feels like they're bad at being human. It's such a tough & shitty job, right? Who knows what we're supposed to be doing. My humble thought: suicide is the opposite of forgiveness. Would you kill another person for the mistakes you've made? My guess is probably not. Suicidal people are pretty hard on themselves...WAY harder than we tend to be on other people. Torturing yourself about weight only adds more stress. Actually I think Jon Gabriel is really right about that... Anyway, If you can actually forgive YOURSELF for all the things you hate, the other stuff can begin to naturally move forward. Just a thought. Sending you a hug. L
     
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