The Whole Story

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by unsilence, May 10, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. unsilence

    unsilence New Member

    I'm not really sure how to start this sort of thing off. There's no set beginning, it all came crashing down progressively. I just know I want the end of these feelings to come soon. I will try to just get through telling the entire truth about everything the best I possibly can.

    I just turned 17 nine days ago. I've had problems with depression and suicidal tendencies for almost eight years now. It really spiraled out of control when I turned 15. It started out with a few suicide attempts that were more or less me just being bored and trying to rile up attention. Then, a few months before I turned 16, the depression really sank in, and I began cutting myself. It started out really superficial, but it started to become more severe, and I eventually started to sincerely become suicidal. I was hospitalized for the first time at the end of March of 2011. When I got out, things were fine for a while. I would only cut occasionally, and for the most part, I was pretty happy. I'd say from the time I turned 16, which was May of 2011, to September of that same year, things were fine. Unfortunately, things started to fall apart again. I came out of the closet, and became terribly lonely when I realized that gay guys really just don't get to be in relationships where I live. Sure, when people thought I was straight, it wasn't genuine, but at least I was never alone. I kept thinking that maybe I would find a guy who would make me happy, but I never did. I started cutting again, and I even started abusing my anti-depressants just because I thought it would be more effective in making me feel better.

    In late January of this year, I had to be hospitalized a second time. I had gotten bullied really badly at school, and got caught cutting when I went home. At the time, I was only partially intent on killing myself. I don't think I had the courage to actually press down on the blade at the time. It really wasn't worth the hospitalization, it was pretty superficial now that I really think about it. I left the ward at the end of January.

    Well, in early/mid-February, I was right back to where I was before. I was constantly depressed, I was still cutting, and I was still having suicidal thoughts. One night, when I was feeling especially down, I contacted a guy that I had a slight crush on. On Valentine's Day, we started dating. We were only together for two weeks, unfortunately, but in those two weeks, he made me feel so happy. I was always thinking about him, my day would light up just by the mere mention of him, and when we were together, I was ecstatic. It felt like I finally had someone who wanted me back, who actually enjoyed talking to me, who was really happy to be with me. Unfortunately, I realized that it was actually a lot more one-sided than I thought. He was in love with his ex-girlfriend, and he wasn't sure if he wanted to have a boyfriend or not. When he broke up with me at the end of February, I ended up cutting again. This time, I tried to kill myself, but I didn't do it deep enough. I made the mistake of doing it while I was talking to him, so he told some mutual friends of ours. Those friends had me sent to a hospital for a third time.

    I came out of the hospital in early-March, and barely anything had changed. I still wanted to be with my ex, I was still just as suicidal as ever, and to make matters worse, the medicine I was on wasn't doing anything for me. I attempted to make amends with my ex, but I wasn't able to stop bringing up how much I missed him. It was humiliating, but I couldn't stop making it all worse between me and him. He was very nice about it, and would let me talk to him about how miserable I was. He may not have liked me back, but I took comfort in knowing he at least cared. He even went as far as to say that if I killed myself, he would kill himself too. I think that made the pain of rejection so much harder to bear. Knowing that he would do that to himself for me, even though he didn't have feelings for me. I knew he loved his ex-girlfriend, and I knew that it would only be a matter of time before he went back to her.

    At the end of March, it all came to it's worst point. I spent an entire day at school thinking about him, and considering killing myself. When I got home that day, I continued contemplating for several hours. Since my mom had to work until ten that night, I knew if I really wanted to do it, I would be able to go through with it completely. I made it until 8:30 when I ended up breaking down. That time, I actually tried to go through with it, and I was almost successful. I slashed my wrist, and sent a goodbye message to my ex on Facebook. Well, he was online at the time, so he responded almost immediately. He convinced me to call an ambulance, after telling me that if I really loved him, I wouldn't keep trying to kill myself.

    So, after having to receive stitches, I was sent to a hospital again. I left early-April, not feeling better per say, but different. The pain I felt before almost seemed to have been replaced with indifference and anger. I was angry about what happened, and I blamed him for it. I pinned the suicide attempt on him, rather than accepting it was my fault and my own actions. At the time, he had decided it was best we just not say anything to each other, because it was causing more harm than good for me. In a way, he was right for doing this. He knew that I was only falling harder for him the more he was there for me, and since me attempting suicide really bothered him, it was really the best option for both of us. It didn't take long for me to cave, though. I ended up begging for his forgiveness about a week or two after my discharge from the hospital. He decided to take me back as a friend.

    It's been about a month since I asked him to forgive me. Looking back on what happened, I feel pretty horrible about it. I know now that I was blaming him for problems that I had been stuck with for about a year, I just didn't want to accept that it wasn't his doing. Sure, what happened with him didn't make me feel BETTER, but he really didn't deserve to feel like it was his fault. In four days, it'll have been three months since we had started dating. For the most part, I've let go of it. Even though it was a very short relationship, things went very fast. Like most short teenage relationships, I was convinced that I had fallen for him just a few days in the relationship. This was a terribly dumb move on my part, and I think that was what made it so hard to let go. The only aspect to it that is hard for me now is the loneliness. Since he is bisexual and has an ex-girlfriend who still really loves him, I know that eventually, they ARE going to get back together. I, on the other hand, probably won't have that kind of luck. It's just not easy finding a boyfriend in a small town like this.

    At this point in time, I don't know were I stand with him. I want to be friends with him, but I'm not sure if I can handle it. He's constantly concerned about me, and his concern makes me feel insecure and guilty. I want him to think that I am better, when the truth is, I really don't know if I am or not. Thankfully, I've only relapsed on cutting once since I left the ward, which was about two weeks ago. The suicidal thoughts come and go, but I don't have a problem with them for the most part now. I apologize if this post is irrelevant to the forum, I just thought it belonged here. I'm not especially suicidal at the moment, but I have certainly had some struggles. I'm trying my best just to get through it as well as I can.
  2. Whispers

    Whispers Banned Member

    Hello sir. I read your story and first want to say I am very sorry for the pain you're going through. I know it must be hell and it seems you're doing this mostly on your own.

    First, if you need someone to talk to or just listen, you can always contact me. You can discuss it here, through private message or instant message in the chat rooms. Chat rooms would be good for you to hang out in. Usually lots of people willing to listen, help and encourage. Whatever makes you most comfortable.

    First thing I want you to do is address this cutting. Not saying it will help, but try putting a rubber band on your wrist and leave it on. Every time your mind wanders and you feel harmful thoughts, pull the rubber band back and snap it against your wrist. Sometimes the minor sting will snap your mind back and out of the dark thoughts.

    In regards to your ex, I don't have enough info at this time to make any suggestions about whether it's best if you stay away or not. On one hand he appears to be supportive of you. On the other, you seem very attached to him and still have great feelings and emotions. May be too much to deal with at this moment in time. Might want to get your head clear before you continue a friendship with him but only you know that. May want to think about possibly telling him you need to clear your head and he's too much of a distraction right now but will resume when and if you're ready. From how you describe him, he should understand. And if doesn't, he's honestly not that much of a friend.

    Next you need some support system. While this forum is great, personal interaction is best. You said you lived in a small town, but look into any sort of group that looks like it may be beneficial. Perhaps see if there are any LGBT groups in your area. Not sure how your family situation is, but they would be good to reach out to at this time unless there are some circumstances we're not aware of.

    Next, find out what makes you happy. Can be anything. Then do those things. Can be a good movie, music, puzzles, writing, games, etc. Anything to give your life fun and happiness, even if it is only for an hour or so. Also try going for walks. Walking is great at clearing your head.

    You may want to discuss matters with a professional as well if it is feasible. May be able to get to the root of these issues you're having.

    Those are just some basics. I wish you luck and hope you reach out if you are in a dark place. Don't have to go this alone. We can be here by your side. Don't hesitate to ask.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.