The word "friend" is just a word to me

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Sailor_Saturn, Jun 10, 2011.

  1. Sailor_Saturn

    Sailor_Saturn Active Member

    I have been bullied all my life for various reasons and I am sick of it. Plus, over the years many people have pretended to be my friend. When I was in Jr. High I was bullied badly (and still am to this very day), and I had this girl named "M." who I thought was my friend that I was friends with at the time. I was stupid enough to think that she was my friend, despite the fact that she never ONCE contacted me, I was the one who contacted her (such as calling her, and she didn't use excuses when we were on the phone talking). Anyway, I finished attending that Jr. High school in June 2005 but stayed "friends" with M., though I rarely contacted her, I told her one day I was sick of always being the one to contact her, and I told her this before when I was in Jr. High with her, but she claimed that she never contacted me because she was "too busy." Anyway, in January 2010 I happened to find a journal she made about me back in December 2005 on this local website, I only found it since I searched my name on Google one day. She had said how if anyone didn't know who I was that I was a person who was a retard at her Jr. High school that she just put up with. I called her and told her that I found the journal she made, and even though I found it a few years later, the fact that she made it still hurt. I also said how I always had a feeling that she thought I was retarded (I've been treated that way because I have epilepsy, however I'm in University now, and the people who thought I was retarded said how I would never be able to get in University and a bunch of other crap to me, no wonder I have no confidence), and how she was a fake friend, but despite those feelings I stayed friends with her while in Jr. High, because I decided that I was only feeling that way because of all the bullying that went on. I haven't spoken to her since, I am not putting up with anyone who betrays me, I have been betrayed many times now and I am SICK OF IT!!!!

    Another example would be when I started attending High School. I attended a different High School then M. because of all the bullying I went through in Jr. High. Things were fine in High School for the first three months until a bully from my Jr. High school transferred to the High School I started attending. Despite me ignoring the bully, the bullying started up again, this bully got his friends to participate in the bullying he did to me. When I began attending this High School I first became friends with a girl named A., and I started to think she was a fake friend in Grade 11 since I had to have surgery in Grade 11 and missed a lot of school because of it and complications from the surgery. I kept asking A. for her notes she would take during classes since she was the only person who had the same teachers that taught the same courses I was doing (I did all academic courses by the way, nothing basic, I never did any basic courses in school), but she would never lend them to me or tell me what was covered. I knew what chapters we were doing from the teachers, but I needed to know each day what sections of the chapters they covered. I ended up just going through the chapters myself and making up my own notes as I went through them, and despite missing a lot of school and having practically no help at all, except from my math tutor since I found math extremely difficult (I had a math tutor since Grade 7), I managed to pass with a 76 average. It was in April 2008, shortly after being betrayed by another person who I thought was my friend, that I decided that I wasn't going to be able to "pretend" to be friends with A. anymore. Throughout that year, A. showed many times that she wasn't my friend, in October 2007 when I went to this Youth Christian thing my mom made me go to (we're Catholic by the way, mom wanted me to go to the Youth Christian thing since many youths were going), everyone was waiting outside for the doors to open so we could be let in the stadium that it was being held in. When the doors were open, everyone rushed inside, and I ended up twisting my ankle and falling down. A. saw this but never stopped to help me up, and she knew that I wanted to sit with her and her other friends, and when I went in the building after getting myself up, I was only in the building a minute later, she ahd her friends had gotten places to sit and there was some random boy she didn't know that was younger than us that was there (it was for ages 13-20, I was 17 years old at the time, she is also the exact same age as me) next to her, and she just shrugged at me. I sat somewhere else. Also, whenever we were at school she would always share parts of her lunch with her other friends, but she never once offered or shared with me, even though I did share with her. I also sat where she wanted to sit when we ate lunch, which was in the hall with her friends. Since this was our final year of High School, we were having our grad and in March 2008 we were supposed to attach our papers together of where we wanted to sit when the grad was held in May 2008. I told A. that I wanted to attach my paper with hers, and she said she would take it, but later that day when I was going to give it to her she claimed that a girl she was friends with took hers already before she had the chance to get mine. I asked the girl who took hers and told the girl that I had wanted to sit at A.'s table, but the girl informed me that A. had given her the paper. It was apparently too late for me to give them mine now, so I ended up sitting with a bunch of people I knew but were not friends with at all at the grad. I stopped talking to A. in April 2008, after a few events happened. Someone had written me a fake love letter for April Fools' Day, but the letter was not nice at all, the letter called me down to dirt (the person who wrote the letter said stuff like "I love your ugly hair", worse than that was said in the letter but this is just an example). A. did not write the letter since the writing was different then her's, but I figured out who wrote it since the "i"s in the letter matched the way this girl that always bullied me wrote them. I would have gone to the principal that day, and I did try to, but the principal was not available when I went, and that day I had to work on this huge assignment for English since I was supposed to be in this group with five other people where we would have to answer ten questions each on this novel(there were sixty questions altogether), and photocopy the other groups' answers to the questions we did not do and attach it to our own, and would be given a group mark. I was put in a group with five people who did not do any of the work, they were all people who skipped class often. The assignment was due that day, which I was not aware of. I ended up doing all sixty questions myself, and when the teacher went to collect the assignment that day I was still not done, and she was going to deduct five marks for me passing it in a day late. When the teacher saw that I had written up all of the answers to the sixty questions myself, and after me talking to the teacher and telling her how nobody else in the group did any of the other questions, and the mark I get should be my mark alone and nobody else should get it, she agreed. I got my assignment back at the end of the week and had gotten a 99%, she never deducted any marks for it being late since I had to do all the questions myself, I looked at the assignment and only got one question wrong. Because I had to work on that assignment (I managed to get it all done in one day, I started that morning and finished at 11:00 p.m. that night), I had no time to deal with that April Fools' Day Letter, so I pretended it was a "nice" letter, and actually managed to act like it was a nice letter. I ended up not being able to go to the principal with the letter in the end, since the principal was busy with meetings that week, and I had an upcoming Biology test I had to study for, so I was busy myself.

    On April 5th, 2008 then, another guy whose name was N., who was friends with A., that I was friendly with decided to contribute to a hate thread about me, by making a username with the word "Fearing_" then the name that bullies called me that I wrote about in an earlier posting. He posted about how "nobody actually likes me, nobody can stand me at all, yet you can tell I know it but I try like a fucking psychopath to be your friend"(this is a direct quote from what he posted about me, except he said "Nobody actually likes her" instead of "Nobody actually likes me"). He also said how someone wrote a fake love letter to me and how he's looking into this and trying to find out who did it so he can thank them and possibly get a hold of that letter and post it on the site (he wouldn't be able to get a hold of the letter, I tore it up into little pieces so NOBODY could read it, he only knew about it since it accidentally fell out of my pocket while we were waiting for our Theater Arts class to start, he, along with A., were in my Theater Arts class, and I asked him if he had any idea on who wrote it but he said no). I found out it was him only because he messaged me on MSN when I was offline, saying he was sorry to hear about the post that the user with the username "Fearing_" made; thing is I never told anyone about it yet, I had only reported it in an anonymous private report to the site's administrators. This administrator had posted after the fact that the account the person made with the username "Fearing_" was banned permanently, his IP Address was banned permanently, and his actual account on the site was banned for two months. My mom and I went to the principal of my High School that Monday to talk about the incident to see if the principal could do anything, but the principal could only call N.'s mom and tell her. I was then called into the principal's office the following day, and N. was there with his mom. His mom told me that N. was banned from using the computer for one month, and N. had an apology letter written. N. had two apology letters written, one his mom was meant to see and another one that his mom was not meant to see apparently, in the one his mom was not meant to see he had blamed me for everything, saying how everyone hates me and there are plenty of reasons why, because I'm a freak, etc. and had made up lies to try to make me feel bad, he tried to claim that I did things I never did. I admit I am far from perfect but the fact that he tried to lie about me pissed me off. Anyway, a week later, when he was supposedly banned from the computer, he came into school claiming that I went and hacked his MSN and Facebook accounts. I never did that at all, he was claiming that he couldn't get into his accounts and anyone who gets a message from those accounts it's not him. I asked A. to talk to him and tell him that I did not hack his accounts, and she said she would right away, but when I went by them, they were playing crazy eights! I then decided, after talking to my mom, that A. was not a friend at all from all the evidence, and N. was not a friend either, but I had decided that when he contributed to the hate thread about me.

    One of the biggest betrayls was when my ex-boyfriend S. decided to start harassing me randomly in May 2009. He posted things only he would know about, since he posted things only I told him about. I asked him about it, and he denied it, however, he still continues to harass me on two websites I am on to this day, even though I have tried making accounts to get away from him with fake names and everything, I would even lie about my interests, but he would somehow always find the accounts. Sadly, the police won't do anything about it, where I live, bullying, especially cyberbullying, is allowed, they will only do something about it if you are threatened. I read in teen magazines like Seventeen, which is a magazine from the United States I think, various stories on bullying and cyberbullying and how the people who do these things are actually dealt with. Unfortunately, in Canada, it seems bullying is allowed. The Simpsons always make a Canadian reference in almost every episode, and in the episode "Wedding For Disaster" they had on a gag billboard thing the slogan "Support Your Local Bullies." That would definitley seem like a Canadian reference to me, since even though I'm sure nothing is done about bullying in other parts of the world and bullying is encouraged, it seems to be more frequent in Canada than anywhere else (bullying being encouraged), from things I read on a Canadian website from other people who are bullied.

    The most recent betrayal I have had was from a guy named T. who is friends with a girl named C. who I'm good friends with (C. has been a really good friend to me, she always leant me her notes when I missed a class; we had a German class together in University and since I had a lot of difficulty with that course she always helped me out. We were also close in age, I was a year older than her, and she always gave good advice when I needed it. We're still friends, it seems like she's the only real friend I have, we've been friends since last year, we first met in a Psychology class we had together in our first semester, but I never needed help with that course, I helped her sometimes with that course though. Then in our second semester together we had German together and she helped me. Funny thing is when I was friends with A. I would help her with English but she never once helped me with anything I was having difficulty with that she was good at). T. decided to delete me and block me on Facebook and DeviantArt, so I made another profile on DeviantArt and sent him a message asking him why he blocked me on both sites, since I don't know what I did wrong, I'm not saying I'm perfect but whenever I have been betrayed I try to think of what I could have done to cause this but I can never think of anything, I'm not the type of person that is always in your face or the one who talks about people behind their backs or anything like that. I know I have my faults, however everytime I ask someone why they decided to not be my friend anymore (In the case of S. and T. as examples, there are a few more but the examples I listed are the main and most recent ones), they won't tell me. I know when I was younger some kids claimed that when other kids were around they had to pretend to hate me and participate in the bullying or else. I only put up with that for a couple of years, then I stopped putting up with that. Maybe it's because of all the stupid bullying that I have and still endure that I don't really have any friends. Anyway, the Hydrovibe song "The Devil Comes Disguised As Friend" seems to describe all the crap I have gone through with people who I thought were my friends that turned out to be otherwise PERFECTLY. Here are the lyrics:

    In a moment of weakness I threw intuition away
    an illusion of interest barely masking your intent to betray
    things can never be the same
    how can I trust you again?
    was it all just a game?
    is it always a game?

    Who will come to my defense?
    I’m facing fire in every direction
    the devil comes disguised as friend
    a handshake and a hidden agenda

    Slowly spreading infection; recruiting my own for your game
    such sick orchestrations test our faith in all of humanity

    And things can never be the same
    how can I trust you again?
    was it all just a game?
    is it always a game?

    Who will come to my defense?
    I’m facing fire in every direction
    the devil comes disguised as friend
    a handshake and a hidden agenda

    In times like these we discover the innocence is over
    nothing’s unconditional anymore
    and trust is only casual… nothing personal

    Who will come to my defense?
    I’m facing fire in every direction
    the devil comes disguised as friend
    a handshake and a hidden agenda


    This song particularly describes N. and S., since both tried to turn people against me, and they both managed to succeed, N. did it by telling just about everyone that I supposedly hacked his MSN and Facebook accounts (I don't even know how to hack by the way), and S. did MANY things on two websites, claiming I was stalking him, apparently if I joined a website he was on, I joined it to stalk him and I would get these messages from people telling me to leave because he wants me to, yet he doesn't even own these websites and I never joined for him, he did this on DeviantArt, for example, yet I joined because my friend C. is on there (she doesn't even know S. but she has seen the things he has done, I showed her after he wouldn't leave me alone this past year), and she is an excellent at drawing, I can't draw, I just put pictures up of my cat that I take. Anyway, because of all of this I am afraid to trust people anymore or try to be anyone's friend because of all the bad experiences, I am just exhausted from it all. Also, the reason I'm posting all of this today is because I just discovered today that T. had blocked me so I guess I "snapped" and just decided to post about everything that has gone on.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 10, 2011
  2. lancashirelass

    lancashirelass Well-Known Member

    I am truly sorry you have been through all that i was bullied at high school but tried not to let it bother me. However all these girls sound like complete bitches and you are better off without them. Believe me when i say we are not all the same i have trouble making friends irl and although i have a couple i don't really see them much anymore due to the way life has turned out. I think you need to be comftable on your own before you can make true friends as bullies can pick up on your insecurities and it make it easier for them to fake friendship. I hope you find this site helpful and if you ever want to talk i will listen and try and help. *hugs*
     
  3. Sailor_Saturn

    Sailor_Saturn Active Member

    Thanks, two were girls and three were guys. Like I said before, I am finished with trying for a while. I am sick of being hurt, the last straw has come this year, ever since 2007 really when A. started to show that she wasn't a friend at all. I can spot a fake friend, but I gave them the chance to prove otherwise, and sadly, they all failed.
     
  4. lancashirelass

    lancashirelass Well-Known Member

    Well they are just idiots hun and you deserve better so as i said i am here if you want to talk and i will help the best i can.
     
  5. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

  6. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I can relate to a lot of your stories. I got lucky and managed to disappear for a while and be forgotten.

    People are stupid and insecure. You have to be stronger than that. Maybe when you are ready you can search for new friends who share your interests. It is perfectly fine to not want anyone.

    :hug: be well Hotaru.
     
  7. Sailor_Saturn

    Sailor_Saturn Active Member

    lol be well Hotaru. Nice reference. I chose that username since I am a lot like her, we both have been bullied badly and don't have many friends, and we are both epileptic. Anyway, thanks for all the support everyone. I don't care anymore about trying to make friends or anything, I said this in a journal I made on DeviantArt: "They say you are born alone in this world and you die alone in this world. To me, that means that even if you have one million friends, you are still alone since when you die you're alone and when you're born you're alone. So to me, I don't care if I have one friend or one million friends, since in the end, when I die, I'll be alone anyway. It doesn't matter to me anymore." I mean that when I say it. I posted that journal on May 21, 2011, and if anyone uses DeviantArt and would like to see the journal and be my friend on there here's the link: http://StellaBonasera.deviantart.com/
     
  8. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    ^_^ She is one of my favorites too. I wish we got to see her more. :p she has a spear and is bad ass. :blush: Plus she is pretty cute too.

    You know what they say. Stop looking for something and it will find you. You will find that focusing on yourself will do wonders.
     
  9. Sailor_Saturn

    Sailor_Saturn Active Member

    I stopped looking long ago, C. and I started being friends since we began sitting next to each other in Psychology in the fall semester, than by coincidence, even though I already had her on Facebook but we never talked about what classes we were taking in the winter, she was in my German class, and she sat behind me in that class. She was a big help with German, I had a lot of difficulty with that course.