The World According to Carlin

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Why don't they have dessert at breakfast?

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

"You learn something new every day." Actually, you learn something old every day. Just because you just learned it, doesn't mean it's new.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

There are only two places in the world--over here and over there.

When people say "It's always in the last place you look." Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Is there another word for synonym?

What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

Did you ever notice that printed right on the cookie box it says, "Open here." Well, what did they think I was gonna do? Move to Hong Kong to open up their fuckin' cookies?

"Tell us...in your own words." Do you have your own words? Personally, I'm using the ones everybody else has been using. Next time they tell you to say something in your own words, say, "Nigflot blorny quando floon."

And don't forget all those 'freedom-loving people around the world who look to us as a beacon of hope.' Those, I assume, would be the ones we haven't bombed lately.

They say that rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. They don't mentione anything about cursing a lack of candles.

People add extra words when they want to sound important. "Police have responded to an emergency situation." No they haven't, they've responded to an emergency. We KNOW it's a situation. EVERYTHING is a situation.

Too much use of this prefix 'pre,' it's all over the language now. "Place the turkey in a preheated oven," it's ridiculous. There are only two states an oven can possibly exist in, heated or unheated. Preheated is a meaningless fucking term. Pre-existing, pre-screening, pre-planning. Know what I tell these people? Pre-suck my genital situation.

 

That was great...I love George Carlin

 

Carlin is great...