The world is against me.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by feathers, Dec 24, 2010.

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  1. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    It's 2 hours into Christmas, and I feel terrible. All around the world, people are getting excited for the big day, and I feel nothing for it. Everyone is so happy to be close to their families. Mine might think I'm happy, but they don't have a clue who I am or what I go through... I should be happy that I have survived another year but I just don't know if it's worth it. Even supposedly wonderful happy holidays like Christmas don't excite me. Nor does the idea of celebrating my birthday in 6 days time. Nothing seems to captivate me. I feel alone. Not only because some of the people meant to be closest to me don't have a clue, but the people who do know what I go through, still don't have a clue. They probably think I can just switch off for the day. Have fun. Forget my problems. But it is impossible. I can't switch these thoughts off, and because of them, I feel so alone when everyone around me is so happy and carefree. Kids all over the country are lying in bed, excited, trying to get to sleep. I'm lying here miserable, wishing I could feel half the excitement such a pointless day brings to everyone. When life otherwise is so difficult and filled with constant emotional conflict, what's the point in celebrating? What is there to celebrate? A family without a clue and friends that could never understand?

    Everything seems to be hitting me tonight. The fact I feel so alone because no one around me truly understands how I feel. I'm scared to tell my dad if I'm pregnant (if I am - find out tomorrow). I can't tell him the truth, that it's because of the illness, because the psych won't even diagnose me. I feel the pain of losing my nanna, like we scattered her ashes yesterday. I feel like my ex Joe hurt and betrayed me yesterday, when it was a year ago. Like my ex Craig fucked me over and lied to me yesterday, when it was two years ago. Everything just feels so fresh, so painful. Today is supposed to be a happy day. But I have nothing to celebrate. Nothing but surviving another shitty painful year and then having to start another one that will be exactly the same.

    Imagine emotional agony. Pain that is so bad that you can't cope, mentally or physically. You fucking squirm because you might as well be being physically tortured for the way you feel. Then you might get close to what I'm going through right now.

    I feel like I'm trapped. In a mind, in a body, in a world that just loves to see me suffer. That loves to watch me cry and be thrown tragedy after abuse after betrayal after depression. And I can't even get help to counteract the way the world has fucked me up. Everything is working against me. Even my own mind. It's like the world is trying it's hardest to just get me to give up, trying it's hardest to see me jump off a cliff.

    I'm starting to really give up. I don't even want to live this life. Every year, every month, every day comes more drama, more crisis, more conflict. There's constantly something going on that will lead to me having more and more issues built up over time. Every year I get worse and worse and find it harder to cope. Every depression I have, I delve deeper into despair. I can't see the point when everything is just getting worse. If I'm pregnant, I have just under 9 months to kill myself to end my misery and to save an innocent child from the hell that is living in this world, and from my faulty, mentally ill genes. After then it's too late and the child is left to suffer, too.
     
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    hello Kazine,

    I think it is pretty common for people not to be happy at Christmas. It's really cold and the days are really short.

    I think that the Christmas holiday may have been invented to try to cheer people up, because it's so easy to get depressed around this time of year.

    The fact that you are "supposed to be" happy now makes things worse for a lot of people, because it just makes you feel left out if you are not happy.

    Lots of people are not happy though, even the ones that seem like they are. Many people are at each others throats before Christmas during holiday shopping. I'm told that there is a story on the news that a woman pulled a knife on another woman for "stealing" her parking space at the shopping mall.

    I understand about past experiences, how they can feel like they are present with you even though they may have happened long in the past. Maybe there are techniques that you can use to blunt the edge of these memories.

    For me, I think that if I start to think about something negative, then there are a swarm of other negative memories that come along with it, and it gets really overwhelming.

    I thing that I have heard of people doing is trying to list all of the things they can think of that makes them feel grateful. It might be a very short list, but I think the idea is that as you start thinking of these things, it reminds you of other positive things.

    This might be useless to you, but maybe it would help a little.


    I don't think that your choice is either kill yourself or doom your baby.

    You could choose to have an abortion, if you wanted to.

    It is also not necessarily the case that your child would become mentally ill. Maybe a doctor would know what the odds would be.

    I wish I could give you at least a little bit of comfort!

    here are some hugs, I hope that they help

    :hug: :hug: :hug:
     
  3. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Abortion isn't an option for me, I've just posted a thread in let it all out about a friend who really upset me and pissed me off by pretty much telling me, GET AN ABORTION, ITS THE LESSER OF TWO EVILS even though i told him it would fuck me emotionally for life :/.

    Thanks for your reply, I'm hoping I only feel so bad because it's night time ... Hopefully tomorrow will actually bring some happiness.

    Hugs back :hug:
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope morning brings you happiness and i hope you have support you need as well You do what is best for you okay hugs for you :hugtackles::hugtackles:
     
  5. plshelpme

    plshelpme Well-Known Member

    i second violet...

    god i hope everything works out for the better for you...hang in there! you're so young...and i can tell you that it gets better...then it gets worse, but then it gets better again...so go into this next year with some hope...ready to fight...don't let the disease win...

    are you getting help? therapy? meds? please do so if you're not already...it's a new freaking year, and things can change!!!...
     
  6. Romancer

    Romancer Well-Known Member

    this question has nothing against you, but i'm seriously asking...if you commit suicide (knowing youre pregnant), and you're against abortion...what's the difference?
     
  7. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Romancer.. It's not the killing my baby that is going to be the most difficult part, it's living with that for the rest of my life... I couldn't do it

    Thanks for the support everyone :hug:
     
  8. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    Well, all i can say is im a Dad of two and i just want to give you a hug Kazine, i really do.
     
  9. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Thank you Pete :/. It's a scary time for me because I got a positive test result tonight. :/
     
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