It's 2 hours into Christmas, and I feel terrible. All around the world, people are getting excited for the big day, and I feel nothing for it. Everyone is so happy to be close to their families. Mine might think I'm happy, but they don't have a clue who I am or what I go through... I should be happy that I have survived another year but I just don't know if it's worth it. Even supposedly wonderful happy holidays like Christmas don't excite me. Nor does the idea of celebrating my birthday in 6 days time. Nothing seems to captivate me. I feel alone. Not only because some of the people meant to be closest to me don't have a clue, but the people who do know what I go through, still don't have a clue. They probably think I can just switch off for the day. Have fun. Forget my problems. But it is impossible. I can't switch these thoughts off, and because of them, I feel so alone when everyone around me is so happy and carefree. Kids all over the country are lying in bed, excited, trying to get to sleep. I'm lying here miserable, wishing I could feel half the excitement such a pointless day brings to everyone. When life otherwise is so difficult and filled with constant emotional conflict, what's the point in celebrating? What is there to celebrate? A family without a clue and friends that could never understand? Everything seems to be hitting me tonight. The fact I feel so alone because no one around me truly understands how I feel. I'm scared to tell my dad if I'm pregnant (if I am - find out tomorrow). I can't tell him the truth, that it's because of the illness, because the psych won't even diagnose me. I feel the pain of losing my nanna, like we scattered her ashes yesterday. I feel like my ex Joe hurt and betrayed me yesterday, when it was a year ago. Like my ex Craig fucked me over and lied to me yesterday, when it was two years ago. Everything just feels so fresh, so painful. Today is supposed to be a happy day. But I have nothing to celebrate. Nothing but surviving another shitty painful year and then having to start another one that will be exactly the same. Imagine emotional agony. Pain that is so bad that you can't cope, mentally or physically. You fucking squirm because you might as well be being physically tortured for the way you feel. Then you might get close to what I'm going through right now. I feel like I'm trapped. In a mind, in a body, in a world that just loves to see me suffer. That loves to watch me cry and be thrown tragedy after abuse after betrayal after depression. And I can't even get help to counteract the way the world has fucked me up. Everything is working against me. Even my own mind. It's like the world is trying it's hardest to just get me to give up, trying it's hardest to see me jump off a cliff. I'm starting to really give up. I don't even want to live this life. Every year, every month, every day comes more drama, more crisis, more conflict. There's constantly something going on that will lead to me having more and more issues built up over time. Every year I get worse and worse and find it harder to cope. Every depression I have, I delve deeper into despair. I can't see the point when everything is just getting worse. If I'm pregnant, I have just under 9 months to kill myself to end my misery and to save an innocent child from the hell that is living in this world, and from my faulty, mentally ill genes. After then it's too late and the child is left to suffer, too.