It has been a year and a half since my suicide attempt and I'm having a real hard time coping with the fact that I did not die. Why? Well, my situation just seems to go from bad to worse. My attempt was certainly not half hearted. Shotgun shells should have no problem blowing one's brains out but for some reason the shell failed and only put me in intensive care for a week. The following time on an inpatient psych unit was almost useless. Without getting into the reasoning for all of this let me just say that the primary stressor for this event had backed off (but certainly not gone). In the aftermath I was sort of convinced that it just was not my time to go for some reason. I decided to clean up my life a bit and got into both an intense outpatient program (IOP) and a regular weekly therapy sessions. The biggest thing I did was to quit smoking. In some ways this was easy where the hospital situation caused me to go through withdrawal in a controlled manner. A few years prior to the attempt I was advised by a doctor that I would need some sort of impatient medical attention where my level of addiction was so bad. To put it plainly, I really didn't have the interest to quit before the attempt anyway. My life has been going down hill after I finished up with IOP though. The place where I was working conveniently found a reason to lay me off about a month after the medical people said that I was capable of returning to full time work. I filed a FMLA complaint last year but the state has yet to investigate it. I've been told that there is probably little chance that it will get any attention in the next few years with the crazy mess that the Labor Department finds themselves in these days. In the mean time finding a job has been impossible. The IT field is not the place to be these days; particularly if you are a white male that is 50+ years old. I might be able to find something over in India but the pay scale would not pay for the trip over there. So the latest spear in my side was about a month ago when my partner of 18 years passed away suddenly. To simplify the discussion lets just say that it's pathetic when someone calls 911 looking for medical help and they send a cop with minimal first aid training. The call for the appropriate response took more than 12 minutes after she was already unconscious and unresponsive. It has been a terrible loss but that is only the beginning of things. We were never married due to financial issues so now the estate will go to her kids. Nobody can find the life insurance policy that she told everyone she had either. She bought the house before I knew her via FHA and now those vultures are claiming that they are owed almost a third of the value due to some subsidy reclamation. The bottom line is that the house will probably be gone pretty soon. So these days I just feel like I live in a world of the NO's: NO partner. NO job. NO money. NO place to live. NO smoking. NO drinking. NO sex. NO drugs (other than those prescribed - not that I was ever a user). NO good reason to live. There are more but I'll stay with the big ones for now. Like I said, I'm finding it very difficult to come up with any good reason why I should be alive. If anything my partner should be the one living instead of me. This is the thought that has been beating me up since she passed. I'm back in an IOP program and this time it is not nearly as helpful. It's definitely a doom and gloom situation that I'm facing. I just don't have any good answers.