The World to someone

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by White Dove, Jun 22, 2007.

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  1. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    Why is it that someone can be the World to someone and not even know it???

    I have always been alone. my whole life, i have never had any love from anyone. It all went downhill from the time my mom passed away till now. I was 15. Just 15 years old and i had to watch my mom suffer and die because of cancer. She passed away and was buried on mothers day in 1988. Here it was mothers day. May the 9 , 1988 and here i am buring my mom. That was the hardest hit i ever had to take.

    I then had to quit school to take care of my younger brother. I also had to cook for the family, keep the house up, drive the car, do everything. I had to grow up really fast, no prom for me, no school nights out with friends.

    Then i got in with the wrong type of boy and he showed me a little bit of love and i needed that but all he wanted was sex. He was 10 years older then me and he was one of those bad boys and soon got arrested. When he got arrested i left home.

    I finally decided to try a church one day and had taken some bible lessons by picking them up at a fair and i completed it and did another one until i finally did all they had to offer. then the minister comes by and invites me to church so i go and then i feel at home. i finally feel a little love so i stayed at church. I got real close to the minister and his wife.

    these two people were like dream parents to me, so much so that i asked them why they did things for me and they said because they loved me and i did not understand it but i believed in them. I believed so much in them that i should have known better then to and should have never let my heart get sucked into that.

    I would often allow my brothers kid to use my computer for school was her excuse but she did things online that soon hurt the minister and at the time i was having a hard time with life anyhow so i attempted my life by taking <mod edit-gentlelady-methods> I really wanted to end my life that day but God said no you need to go on. Well when i did that i lost parts of my memory and now i am getting flashbacks.

    I was even accused of telling a lie on my minister and hurting him, so i tried to correct the damage done but can not do it. The minister and his wife moved away never to even speak to me again. I screwed it all up. i let my niece hurt him and i hurt him and i can not correct it.

    They were / are the World to me and do not even know it. And now i have lost it. I am having these feelings again and the emotional hurt is just way too hard on me. Things will never get better at least not for me anyhow. I was at a breaking point and then when i went online and got called a whore it broke me. It broke me so much in my heart because i am true and geniune, not a play thing. i have true deep feelings. i get hurt. i feel sad. i wanted and needed just someone to care. What i really needed was just a phone call from them letting me know that they really do/did care for me.

    It seems everyone leaves me. and i was even told by another minister that i drive others away. so it is really me that does it. i screw everything up and am a worthless piece of crape that does not need to be here. You know just a phone call from them could have stopped me. just a little note saying hey, we know you loved us and we have forgiven you for what you have did. But that will never happen and you know what?? Even if it did happen now i do not think it would make any difference now on my decision because it is too late.

    Where were the phone calls, letters, e-mails when i needed them? Why should i want them now?? Just because i said i was going to do it this time and succeed! no the hurt has hit way too much. my broken heart has been battered and torn so much.

    You know you might not think of yourself as anyone in particular but you could be the world to someone and never know it. They were the World to me and without them or their friendship i am alone. I have nothing. I can not love anyone.

    There is this cold emptiness inside me that will not go away. They knew i loved them like a mom and dad and they just walk away knowing the damage it does to me , yet they do not care. I will never see them again and in fact they will see me in my casket next month.

    They were my world!
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 23, 2007
  2. I'm sorry. I can relate. I don't really know what else to say.
  3. Issac

    Issac Member

    I'm sorry to hear that...Dove, don't make your thinking as the world to someone, it's should be someone to the world...acually there are lots of people who are kind and accommodating, merely you haven't met temporarily...Give yourself more trust and give a chance to you and others who you will met and really care you in the just you met the kind are still young, you will meet many kind people and friends who really care you.....Be strong...Don't miss it...
  4. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    God how i wish it was that easy to do but it isint.

    I am 35 and i attempted my life 3 times, the third time messed up my heart so bad that i take meds to help keep my heart beating normal and doc put me on hormones cause he thought i was going through menopause early but i found out now that it is cancer and now i went online to a local web-site to try and make things right from some wrong i did and got called a whore. I did not need to hear that.

    i have been told many times that i bring all this upon myself. can you believe that?? they say it is me that brings so much pain upon myself well let me tell you. my plan and date are set. It will not be told to anyone the exact date or time or even where i will be at. They will just find me and they will just see thati succeeded this time.

    4 is all it will take for me. I am so tired of trusting in others. i am so tired of this pain. i am so tired of thinking someone gives a care out there. and i am so tired of hearing others say they care but soon show otherwise. if you care for someone you are not going to hurt them. If you see someone hurting are you going to keep adding to that hurt??

    I just need it to end and it will. They think it is a joke. they think i am not serious. but you know what when it happens they will know just how much i meant it.
  5. Mikiri

    Mikiri New Member

    I'm not just sorry to hear it. I'm going through what you went through. Hi, I'm sarah and I'm 15 years old. My mother has been diagnosed with breast, liver, and spinal cancer. She has six months to live, and I have a week to pack up everything I wish to keep...because I have to go and live with my father in the USA (I'm in Canada right now). My mother needs help constantly because she cant even walk. I have no more social life...and my friends seem to be slowly drifting away.

    People tell me I'll get over it and that one day it will all just be an unpleasant memory. I wish it were that simple. Everyone says they understand me, but how can they understand? The thought of killing myself crossed my mind. My grades have fallen and I'm not pleasant to be around from what I understand. So what was left for me?

    I wondered who I'd hurt if I died, and I realized that very few would be affected. I thought that would make me want to kill myself even more, but it just gave me something to prove. I just felt like I wanted to help someone...but at the same time I needed help. So I came this website. When I read your words I almost cried because I thought no one would understand how I was feeling.

    I know it feels like no one cares...or maybe it feels like no one gets you. Maybe you feel like you're the screw up and that's why no one likes you...but for what it's certainly made me feel like I wasnt alone. Thank you. <333
  6. Issac

    Issac Member

    I got confused if you really get could go for a doctor to consult...don't let your imagination run away with that...I can tell you my sufferring experiences, I met a girl...and the girl gives so much good feeling to me.Soon we falled in love.One day, she talked to she wanna open a bar but short of money...I try my best to collect money even though ask my parents...she ask me to buy luxury bags&clothes, handphones, laptops etc...I have no hesitation about that...and satified whatever she wants....Because i trust her and love her. One day she talk to me she have no feeling to me anymore...I'm aware that i'm deeply cheated by her....a fucking beautiful lie...even though i'm dreaming it's not true...just a dream...but it's true...but i still believe trusting of pay out,you can get's an thing for me, i get no face to my lovely parents and sister....but i know suicide is my last choice....i can still move another place and restart again...i ask you, you try so many time...when you are doing that, are you thinking if you are willing to part with someone you loved, you cared...
  7. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    well i did not take enough to do it with, but i tried. now though i have way enough. i had thought about moving to another place and starting over but it would not be the same to me. I am so sorry you got hurt and cheated by someone you thought you could trust. I was hurt deeply but i can not be loved by anyone. i have no one to turn too, not even to a minister cause it was a minister who hurt me and another minister who basically told me that i drive people away.

    i am so afraid to even speak. for fear that i will say something wrong and drive others away from me. i seen a guy i know from church at the store the other day and he said a little hello and smiled at me but all i could do was stare at him as i passed him in the aisle afraid if i said anything it would be wrong or taken wrong. it seems everything i do is wrong.

    i did not used to be this way. i used to trust and get hurt then trust again. but to me there has just been too much broken trust to me. too much hurt that i just can not trust anyone. afraid i will get hurt once more. fear of being broken hearted again.

    as to the cancer i will die anyway. so why live for another 6 months and suffer a lot of pain like i seen my mom go through?
  8. Issac

    Issac Member

    i know it's very hard to convince this case, why aren't enjoying your life during the left whatever you like to do....make yourself happy...and don't leave just a pity.....release your stressful mood...
  9. Mikiri

    Mikiri New Member

    What kind of cancer do you have?

    I just want to tell you that you can be loved by someone. Maybe you should try living like you were dying. Go somewhere amazingly beautiful and take a deep breath. Jump into the only live once...and aside from the salty taste, it's refreshing. I think you are loved by someone. I KNOW you are. Who cares what others think or say about you. You are you, and I like you.

    I've never felt like someone could understand me. I really think highly of you because of what you went through.

    ~~~~Life is truly known only to those who suffer, stumble, and endure adversity~~~~
  10. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    ovarian that spread to my liver and gallbladder and left kidney. it is unoperatable. I also have the tachycardia that an operation might have helped except they found the cancer and did not go futher. Bad thing about all this is i kept telling people i had it and no one believed me. I have always had a kind of physic awarmess of some kind and i could just know that something was not right.

    As to saying that i am loved well i am not loved by anyone. never was and never will be. i can almost guarntee that upon my death and departure not one person will come to my funeral. All those that knew me will just laugh it off.

    basically i should not even be here and in a few weeks i will not be here.
  11. Bud Leaf

    Bud Leaf Member

    Im sorry white dove, i posted in your upgrade thread, without knowing that this thread also existed, i did not know you had cancer at all, but some people can beat cancer right? i dont know if you have read the story i posted for you there, but people have fought through unbeatable odds and won, and there is no reason you cant, all you have to do is laugh, smile, open your heart up, and just try as hard as you can to forget the hurt, i believe 100% that if you truely wanted to with all your heart and soul you can survive this, i know the odds were always against you in your life, but im serious, we are capable of acsending to a stronger level of form, you just need to believe it, not think that you are healthy and full of love with a huge smile on your face, but know you are, truely feel it, these words may just bounce off you because you feel it is futile because a doctor told you so, fuck him, fuck that, you are your own doctor, and no impending issue can topple a human spirit true to itself i garuntee it, but it takes more then thinking about it, and this idea might just shut you off all together, sure everything i said may sounds like a silly idea, but it works i promise, you just need to believe it does too.
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