Why is it that someone can be the World to someone and not even know it??? I have always been alone. my whole life, i have never had any love from anyone. It all went downhill from the time my mom passed away till now. I was 15. Just 15 years old and i had to watch my mom suffer and die because of cancer. She passed away and was buried on mothers day in 1988. Here it was mothers day. May the 9 , 1988 and here i am buring my mom. That was the hardest hit i ever had to take. I then had to quit school to take care of my younger brother. I also had to cook for the family, keep the house up, drive the car, do everything. I had to grow up really fast, no prom for me, no school nights out with friends. Then i got in with the wrong type of boy and he showed me a little bit of love and i needed that but all he wanted was sex. He was 10 years older then me and he was one of those bad boys and soon got arrested. When he got arrested i left home. I finally decided to try a church one day and had taken some bible lessons by picking them up at a fair and i completed it and did another one until i finally did all they had to offer. then the minister comes by and invites me to church so i go and then i feel at home. i finally feel a little love so i stayed at church. I got real close to the minister and his wife. these two people were like dream parents to me, so much so that i asked them why they did things for me and they said because they loved me and i did not understand it but i believed in them. I believed so much in them that i should have known better then to and should have never let my heart get sucked into that. I would often allow my brothers kid to use my computer for school was her excuse but she did things online that soon hurt the minister and at the time i was having a hard time with life anyhow so i attempted my life by taking <mod edit-gentlelady-methods> I really wanted to end my life that day but God said no you need to go on. Well when i did that i lost parts of my memory and now i am getting flashbacks. I was even accused of telling a lie on my minister and hurting him, so i tried to correct the damage done but can not do it. The minister and his wife moved away never to even speak to me again. I screwed it all up. i let my niece hurt him and i hurt him and i can not correct it. They were / are the World to me and do not even know it. And now i have lost it. I am having these feelings again and the emotional hurt is just way too hard on me. Things will never get better at least not for me anyhow. I was at a breaking point and then when i went online and got called a whore it broke me. It broke me so much in my heart because i am true and geniune, not a play thing. i have true deep feelings. i get hurt. i feel sad. i wanted and needed just someone to care. What i really needed was just a phone call from them letting me know that they really do/did care for me. It seems everyone leaves me. and i was even told by another minister that i drive others away. so it is really me that does it. i screw everything up and am a worthless piece of crape that does not need to be here. You know just a phone call from them could have stopped me. just a little note saying hey, we know you loved us and we have forgiven you for what you have did. But that will never happen and you know what?? Even if it did happen now i do not think it would make any difference now on my decision because it is too late. Where were the phone calls, letters, e-mails when i needed them? Why should i want them now?? Just because i said i was going to do it this time and succeed! no the hurt has hit way too much. my broken heart has been battered and torn so much. You know you might not think of yourself as anyone in particular but you could be the world to someone and never know it. They were the World to me and without them or their friendship i am alone. I have nothing. I can not love anyone. There is this cold emptiness inside me that will not go away. They knew i loved them like a mom and dad and they just walk away knowing the damage it does to me , yet they do not care. I will never see them again and in fact they will see me in my casket next month. They were my world!