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The world will work better when I am not in it

#1
Hi everyone, after 2 years since my last post I'm back. I guess no one's really listening but that's better because I can speak freely. I'm in college now. I gained weight, still have m easting disorder but am not too skinny, lost a lot of hair, and my skin got worse. I wrote an old post about how no one actually wants to talk to me and how I'm not charismatic or funny, and im not even shocked to say I was so right. I was so fucking right and I am numb to it all. in any group setting I feel unwanted, and no one ever says anything to me. I recently saw a text from someone I considered close telling her bf im not best friend d material and that I am unbearable. I'm not a confrontational person so id never say anything about it, but it just confirmed suspicions ive already been having for so long. I am a waste of air and a failure at everything. I dont deserve love or acceptance and honestly wished I would die in an accident or something because im too much of a wimp to do it myself. the world would work better without me in it. I contribute absolutely nothing and most of my "friends" probably hate me like this one does. I was about to end it today but I couldn't find the strength within me. I want to say thank you to the people who wished me a happy birthday even when I wasn't on the forum for two years. you all are amazing and I hope u are doing ok. they'll never see this, but to every single person ive met in my 19 years of life, im sorry for wasting time and energy and space with my garbage self. I hope u all know im sorry and id kill myself if I could get myself to do it. I wish I didnt have to interact with anyone, that way I wouldn't ruin their lives. I am ugly and have thin hair and a horrible personality, and I just want everyone to know that I am aware and sorry. so so so sorry that I exist. I hope in the afterlife my soul will be fixed. I don't know why I was made like this but it's definitely time to go. im calling out to the universe to let me die somehow. im ready to stop my time in this world and be done with it all. I have letters written out to everyone and cant wait to send them. I feel bad for being a horrible mess up because my parents have to have a child that does nothing and is a total failure. to my parents who also will never see this, im sorry I wasn't the doctor u guys wanted. im sorry I bothered u by having an eateng disorder in hs and that I was never a daughter u were proud of. thank you for dealing with me. I hope and know ur lives will be so much better without me in them. thank you. to my ex who wont ever see this, im sorry im immature and that you had to date me. you are a cool person, and u were right when u said im the one that didnt deserve u. I wish u well and am sorry for existing in ur life. I hope u live a good life and want to assure u that ill be gone soon so u can be fully happy. and finally, to my small group of friends, thank you so much for staying with me even tho I am not best friend material. it means more than you'll ever know. all pf ubdeserve happiness and love and im sorry I existed in r lives too. u helped me in ways I could never imagine. I hope we meet again in another life. I pray so deeply that soon ill be able to get myself to do it and just end my time here. and no one will see this, but I hope this world knows its a place of wonder and I wish I could've been a better person sp I could stay. I am so sorry for existing in it.
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#2
Hey? If you can't change your friends, then change friends! :) You sound spectacular to me. . . (So, please!) get all of those negative and untrue thoughts out of your head, heart & mind right now: I'm telling you, these bad/toxic friends can be very detrimental to your overall well-being. Find people who will bring you up, and lift your spirits! :) I'm so glad to hear you're doing a little better now, than before with the eating disorder, those are no joke! Very, very serious stuff, and not to be taken lightly or disregarded in any way, in my opinion and in my mind- anyways; we are all here for you. : ) Feel free to share whatever you want to on here. Because in here you are safe. No one is going to judge you unfairly, or harshly criticize you for anything... Okay?? Just hang in there, take a deep breathe, and realize what an amazing soul & spirit you've got. Because just from what you've written right there, up above, I see only the exact opposite of all these unworthy things you are thinking in terms of there being something, or anything wrong with you. That is all, for the start ! :D
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#3
I love your avatar, by the way! It is incredible and adorable all at once - (or in/at the same time!) : )
Where did you find it?? Amazing taste, you've got there... :^)
I'm impressed, and so sorry you've had people in your life, whom you've trusted and should have had your best interest at heart, use their words as / or like weapons against you. Even if they didn't mean to, it hurts all the same. We're here to listen to you, so just continue to lean on us, if it makes you feel any better, ok? :) Peace! And 19 is awfully dang young!!! I'm 43; & i don't even know if I was walking & talking yet, at that age..;) just joking! :D
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#4
And, at least in my experience, anyways . . . Sometimes it is the people who do the most talking, that have the least (or of little importance/relevance) to say; of things, about influence & such~ please don't ask me how I know! :D I've got a big mouth. Even bigger in person, than on here- ; ) And so this whole group setting thing you're talking about, don't feel weak or insignificant, or that you're lacking in anything there, o.k.! :) Some people are just blabbermouths, and like to hog the stage. Also, there are different dynamics in play in any group setting, as opposed to more one to one (communication: interpersonal). So, maybe that is more where you're most comfortable now, or it is a greater strength of yours. If it is the other that you'd like to one day improve, that can be done as well. It just takes practice, and know how! :) if you think it, it can be done (sometimes by sheer will, if nothing else~) :) later_
 
#5
hello!
Thank you so much for your kind words. They brought me to tears. I’ve never had someone tell me something like this: that maybe, I do have value in this world. I deeply appreciate your approach and the way you think, and I hope maybe I can think this way too. I’ve never been one to hog attention mostly because I’ve never been happy with myself or had enough confidence to try, but I am happy this way. It just sucks to realize how other ppl consider me irrelevant in situations where I simply am just existing. I’ve also never been mean or rude to anyone (besides my siblings haha), and I am no saint either, bit this is something I will never be because I know how it feels to be on the receiving end. Anyways, age is a number and I think you are very wise at 43; you’ve definitely helped me!! Also, thank you for complimenting my avatar! I love animals and am actually a pre-veterinary student. I found that picture somewhere on th web about 3-4 years ago and never changed it. It kind of has a vulnerable yet focused vibe to it that I resonate with. Also the puppy is very cute haha. But again, thank you for your words. They mean a lot to me and I am thankful there are ppp out there like u who listen to the hurt of others and offer advice and comfort.
 

Dante

Took 5 years to learn how to make a custom title.
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#6
Ok WOW. My reading stamina is nothing like it used to be, but I read it all... and here is my blunt response:

1) Your friend said she found you unbearable, well, a lot of the time I find my friends, people I like, unbearable when they are in serious pain, I am not proud of it, but there it is, we get enough pain in our lives and having friends who are in a lot of pain can be difficult, but I stuck with those friends because I know I like them and they are good people, so its probably not you she doesnt like, but the pain she sees, and the fact that she is too self-centred to get to know you beyond the pain.

I practically raised my little sister from the time she was 7 or 8, my parents provided clothes, a bed and a little food, and my older brother provided nothing, and even though she was my sister, it was an act of will-power to keep helping her with her homework, to listen to her crying, to hang out with her, to drive her across the country to see her boyfriend, to stay up talking her through her anxiety, etc, I didnt want to, but someone had to and no one else was, I keep this to myself because it would be hurtful for her to learn this, but as true as it is that I didnt like helping her, it is also true that I DID like HER, and I helped her because she is my sister and I value her enough to put up with some discomfort. A good friend will work for their friends, as MisterBGone said, you probably just need better friends.

2) You may feel the world would work better without you, but the world as it is is a giant machine designed to squeeze the happiness and money out of the good people and offer it up on a platter to the arseholes and rich people of the world, so I would say making it work a little worse is actually progress, you are a good person, (your guilt alone proves this) why not make this crappy world work for YOU for a change.

3) It is tough for even the most charismatic people to be charismatic when they are in true pain, so you dont know if you are uncharismatic or not really, besides, the little known secret is that charisma can be learned. I have aspergers, so my social skills are crap, but I have trained my social skills like crazy since small and back at university I decided to spend a summer saying "fuck it" and just diving into every situation head first with 100% confidence and a well practiced smile even if I felt like I was making a terrible fool of myself, I even dared my friends to come up with the worst chat-up lines they could and I used every single one, (including one I regret) and you know what? I didnt just get girls numbers for myself (and I did), I was Mr wingman for that summer, I ushered hordes of women towards my friends, I once go a table of 12 girls (all hot) all eager to meet my friend Terry (he had been dumped a month earlier and was having trouble). With training and confidence, ANYONE can be charismatic, even a boarderline-shut-in nerd on the spectrum like me.

4) Back to my friend Terry. He was having trouble after the breakup because his girlfriend had told him pretty much the same thing your ex told you, well, let me tell you, its all bullshit. Terry's ex told him he was the problem because even though he was NOT the problem, she wanted to break up and didnt want to be the bad guy, I know this because she TOLD me. She deliberately crucified the poor guy and made him feel like mould because that way he wouldnt blame her for leaving him, even if you WERE the reason he left, a good guy wouldn't SAY so, your ex sounds like a real bastard who needs to learn to take responsibility without dumping on others.


To sum up, If you can somehow crawl out from under the pain you are in, I know you will be a light to those around you, you are in so much pain and you are still only thinking of others. I am 30, and if life has taught me only ONE thing by this point, it is that if you dont think you deserve help, you probably do, and if you feel entitled to help, you probably dont deserve it. I have heard people on here and in my life feel guilty for being alive, for inflicting themselves on others, and every single one of them that I got to know turned out to be good people. Please don't give up just because those around you don't see that.
 

MisterBGone

SF Supporter
#7
hello!
Thank you so much for your kind words. They brought me to tears. I’ve never had someone tell me something like this: that maybe, I do have value in this world. I deeply appreciate your approach and the way you think, and I hope maybe I can think this way too. I’ve never been one to hog attention mostly because I’ve never been happy with myself or had enough confidence to try, but I am happy this way. It just sucks to realize how other ppl consider me irrelevant in situations where I simply am just existing. I’ve also never been mean or rude to anyone (besides my siblings haha), and I am no saint either, bit this is something I will never be because I know how it feels to be on the receiving end. Anyways, age is a number and I think you are very wise at 43; you’ve definitely helped me!! Also, thank you for complimenting my avatar! I love animals and am actually a pre-veterinary student. I found that picture somewhere on th web about 3-4 years ago and never changed it. It kind of has a vulnerable yet focused vibe to it that I resonate with. Also the puppy is very cute haha. But again, thank you for your words. They mean a lot to me and I am thankful there are ppp out there like u who listen to the hurt of others and offer advice and comfort.
It was simple; it was the truth, from what I'd read, and as I saw it - in your post! :) And there's no, "maybe!" about it = You DO HAVE Value! This is true, and the only truth that you should be subscribing to, from this day forward... if I may be so bold? I am still finding your avatar astonishingly good! I love your whole backstory there, about it, and how much it means to you, and the way you give it life~ it's a beautiful thing, your description of it's meaning to you! That's very important, in life... And you're going to be a Vet(I don't even think I can spell the rest of it..;)) OH- that is Incredible, ays... Just incredible! How magnificent? And what a wonderful life you have left to live. And all of this stored up compassion you hold from other humans mistreating you, can be passed onto, or shared with/or by the 'animals!' Truly a godsend, you are. . . : ) My friend became one of those, and she absolutely loves it!!! So, (just) keep going... We're here to cheer you on, when needed or necessary! Some very great advice from up above by @Dante , as well-
 

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