Hi everyone, after 2 years since my last post I'm back. I guess no one's really listening but that's better because I can speak freely. I'm in college now. I gained weight, still have m easting disorder but am not too skinny, lost a lot of hair, and my skin got worse. I wrote an old post about how no one actually wants to talk to me and how I'm not charismatic or funny, and im not even shocked to say I was so right. I was so fucking right and I am numb to it all. in any group setting I feel unwanted, and no one ever says anything to me. I recently saw a text from someone I considered close telling her bf im not best friend d material and that I am unbearable. I'm not a confrontational person so id never say anything about it, but it just confirmed suspicions ive already been having for so long. I am a waste of air and a failure at everything. I dont deserve love or acceptance and honestly wished I would die in an accident or something because im too much of a wimp to do it myself. the world would work better without me in it. I contribute absolutely nothing and most of my "friends" probably hate me like this one does. I was about to end it today but I couldn't find the strength within me. I want to say thank you to the people who wished me a happy birthday even when I wasn't on the forum for two years. you all are amazing and I hope u are doing ok. they'll never see this, but to every single person ive met in my 19 years of life, im sorry for wasting time and energy and space with my garbage self. I hope u all know im sorry and id kill myself if I could get myself to do it. I wish I didnt have to interact with anyone, that way I wouldn't ruin their lives. I am ugly and have thin hair and a horrible personality, and I just want everyone to know that I am aware and sorry. so so so sorry that I exist. I hope in the afterlife my soul will be fixed. I don't know why I was made like this but it's definitely time to go. im calling out to the universe to let me die somehow. im ready to stop my time in this world and be done with it all. I have letters written out to everyone and cant wait to send them. I feel bad for being a horrible mess up because my parents have to have a child that does nothing and is a total failure. to my parents who also will never see this, im sorry I wasn't the doctor u guys wanted. im sorry I bothered u by having an eateng disorder in hs and that I was never a daughter u were proud of. thank you for dealing with me. I hope and know ur lives will be so much better without me in them. thank you. to my ex who wont ever see this, im sorry im immature and that you had to date me. you are a cool person, and u were right when u said im the one that didnt deserve u. I wish u well and am sorry for existing in ur life. I hope u live a good life and want to assure u that ill be gone soon so u can be fully happy. and finally, to my small group of friends, thank you so much for staying with me even tho I am not best friend material. it means more than you'll ever know. all pf ubdeserve happiness and love and im sorry I existed in r lives too. u helped me in ways I could never imagine. I hope we meet again in another life. I pray so deeply that soon ill be able to get myself to do it and just end my time here. and no one will see this, but I hope this world knows its a place of wonder and I wish I could've been a better person sp I could stay. I am so sorry for existing in it.