The Worlds Selfish Motives for Preventing My Suicide

We have always had and loved dogs in our family. A few times in my life we have had an old dog that got to the point that the Veterinarian said the only humane thing to do was euthanize the dog. What kind of selfish monster of a person would keep the dog alive, suffering, just to avoid the personal pain and grief of the dogs passing?
I am 39 and have been very unhappy my whole life. I have been seeking help from mental health pros since age 6, when I first tried to kill myself by jumping off a building. Now, after a lifetime of different meds, counseling, and inpatient and outpatient treatment, it is clear that my suffering will never end.
Depression and suicide run in my family. I am a successful engineer with genius level IQ. I am not smart enough to figure out how to enjoy life, how to feel like I am living my life and not disconnected from reality. Sitting on a beach or locked up in a psych ward- and all things in between, feel the same. I am not experiencing anything, I am just aware of outside stimuli and how I am supposed to respond to it.
What kind of selfish monsters would advise me to stay alive, knowing I have always been and always be suffering and miserable? Have I not earned the same respect as the family dog?
Why is it ok for me to suffer just so my family does not have the burden of dealing with the fact that my suicide is an act of mercy?
There is no cure for me, I have been trying for over 30 years. There is no help. If I go check back into Aurora (or anywhere else) I will get the standard “stabilize and release”.
Try a different mental health pro? Yes- try to find one that takes your insurance, is seeing new patients, and does not have a 3-5 week wait for an open day. Then you may get one or two hours a week of care. It will take months for the therapist to get to understand me- oh and if I tell him/her of my impending suicide than I am back to the “strip search, lock up, stabilize and release” plan.
There is no real help for me out there. I looked, I tried.
This has been a lifelong problem and it deserves a permanent solution. I deserve the same mercy as the family dog.

The point of my writing this letter is to help those of you that are selfish monsters that are more concerned about how my death will impact others than my misery and think that the honorable thing for me to do is to stay alive in my personal pit of anguish simply for the convenience of others who care about me.

No thank you. My suffering is very real, and I deserve better.

I know that when I die I will be forgiven, God is merciful and loves me.

-Steve in AZ

 

I judge nobody.
I understand torment.
I think you should try to forgive yourself, not wait for your God to do it for you.
Suicide will impact those around you, they will carry it probably all of their lives.
You can say what you like, but you know it is true.
Aren't humans crazy? For some reason we expect everybody to think the same as us, simple fact is, they dont.
We all have a tomorrow if we choose it, its how we use it that matters.
We all mess up too, but we all get another tomorrow to have another go.
I hope you choose to use tomorrow, to live another day, i hope this continues forever.
For me, believing that a God is there to forgive you, implies that there is an afterlife.
Is this afterlife a product and a cause of this life we are living now?
If it is, then im sure as hell going to do my best to hang around and be kind to myself and others, otherwise it might be an eternal cauldron of nastiness, im not taking the risk.
Please post some more, get it out.
Maybe read some too, sometimes the answers are right in front of us, but we have to ask the right questions.

 

hello and welcome to sf

I'm sorry that you have suffered so much for so long

I won't try to talk you out of anything

If you are interested, I suggest that you check out acupuncture and chinese herbal medicine

I also recommend the book in my sig

I like dogs too

I hope that you can find a way to get better and be happy. If you decide that you can't live anymore, I wish you peace

:hug:

 

oh, and there is more things that I can suggest if you are interested, but this is a start

 

Sorry, how rude of me.
Welcome to the forum!

 

Why don't you get another dog?? My therapist suggested it to me because I had lost track of how to love.. So I got a puppy and it took me a month to fall for him.. Little by little he grew on me.. Now he's a pain in the ass..I made the mistake of getting a Jack Russle.. They are high maintenance dogs..Do the research and find one you can love.. It helps take those negative thoughts away..

 

God is not merciful. if he was and loves you he wouldn't of created you with these horrible feelings. Thats why I am an Atheist through and through. No offence to anyone.

 

Thanks for posting. Sometimes I think I'm doubly crazy to feel this way, even though on the surface it looks like I have nothing to complain about. I have a Ph.D., a good paying job, and a loving family, and still I just feel empty and cold all the time, despite all my meds and therapy. I just want off this train.