The worst 10 years of my life.

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by deferred dream, Dec 17, 2009.

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  1. deferred dream

    deferred dream Well-Known Member

    I just want to get this out. It's not a pleasant story so please leave now if this could harm you by reading it. That is definitely not my intention.

    I was very ill when I was young but a surgery when I was 4 fixed it. But after that, it was as if my entire family shattered because of how sick I was. My parents divorced and my mom became a drug addict. I was completely neglected from the time I was 4 until I was 14. I was able to cook and clean for myself before most kids can tie their shoes. I ran away several times. I would sleep in neighbors' yards and steal from grocery stores so I could eat.

    It got worse when I was about 6. My best friend was raped or molested by a neighbor. I was sitting in the living room when it happened and I didn't know what to do, so I just sat there while I heard them in the next room. We both left the place like zombies.

    When I was about 8, my father tried to get me to give him oral sex. I don't know if I did or not because it is blank after that. I had nightmares about it until I was 16 almost every day, but now the nightmares are fewer.

    My mom never spoke to me - ever. She would come home from work and take pills, then pass out and wake up for work the next morning. I would go to school, unwashed and smelling of cigarette smoke and rotting food and cat piss every day. I could never bring myself to speak to anyone, so I would sit in the corner pulling on my tangled hair.

    I grew up with no socialization with humans. I would walk around the neighborhood and find feral cats and bring them home with me. A couple of neighbors - very elderly women - would ask me in and feed me and talk to me. They are probably the only ones who kept me from killing myself before age 10. I wouldn't see them often though; I was too ashamed of my appearance and my home life.

    My brother told me -every- .single. =day= that I was worthless, useless, that I would never amount to anything at all. I tried to cook and clean for him, a mother that was 4 years younger than him, but it was never good enough. He would beat me sometimes, but that didn't hurt at all compared to him looking at me...his eyes rimmed in red from crying and lack of sleep, his blue eyes flat, stony, lifeless...and telling me he hated me and I was always going to be useless.

    I was never told I was loved.

    It has crippled me for life, god, it's crippled me so badly. I don't trust anybody at all. All I was ever taught was that people were evil and would never amount to any good. Now I am married to a good man, but I am terrified of him abandoning me. I have been abandoned again and again by people who need me, and if he does, I will kill myself. I know it.

    I just hurt a lot....every day. And I can't even find it in myself to hate anyone. I'm a broken spirit. I have no hopes or dreams anymore. Those are for people who are loved and worthy. I'm just a shell that eats and breathes and shits and cries.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I have been through some similar events and I know it is possible to find one's self worth if you keep looking for not give are kind and smart and deserve a good life...their immorality is not your deficiencies!!! big hugs, J
  3. bubblin girl

    bubblin girl Well-Known Member

    how are you?
    im so sorry for what you gone through...i dont trust people either & scared of rejection & so many other here so you are not alone....but please dont give are so had strength & brave to go through what happend in your childhood so im sure you can go through just need to find your strength again.
    take care :hug:
  4. Indian81

    Indian81 Member

    All I can say is that I am very sorry and that you have a heart of a fighter in you! Believe me you have done the harder part - don't let go now.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Life has been so difficult for alot of young people. You are a survival somehow you made it through. For now you need to talk about your pain you need to get help for the trauma all of it that was put on you. You need a professional that deals with Post traumatic disorder to help you sift through all the pain and help you with coping skills to get strong again. You have a partner thank god and for him the best thing you can do is get some help to heal. You are worth it You deserve to be happy and to find peace. Get GP to send you to a Psychologist that can help you okay take care
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