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The Worst News

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Done11, Mar 1, 2012.

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  1. Done11

    Done11 Member

    I can't even begin to explain the way I feel right now. Probably how all people feel when they've received the news that I have. With on;y one attempt about four years ago, suicidal feelings have always crossed my mind more than usual. Now, removing myself is something I know I have to do. 2 days ago I tested positive for HIV. When I heard the news my heart hit the floor. The first thing I could think of is this will really change my life forever. It's been pretty evident that I do not have much going for me. I'm nonindependent at 23 with a job that doesn't pay much. The past 2 days have been hysteria. I'm helpless lost and confused. I've told one of my close friends and they have been pretty supportive but I have not told my family and other close friends which is a task I cannot do.
    I'll be receiving the confirmatory results of my blood testing today but I am more than sure I don't want to know what they'll be. Last night I slept with a large kitchen knife at hand. I awoke a few times to make a noose in my closet from a bed sheet. I am so weak that I could barely bring my self to asphyxiate. I know there are many people out there with this disease but I am not a person who copes well with things. For me to have something like this for the rest of my life is more than enough reason for me to end it.
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Hi there Done11 and welcome to SF.

    I saw your post and I just had to reply. I have also tested positive for HIV about 2 weeks ago and it has been confirmed. I am so sorry to hear your news but having HIV does not mean it is the end of the world. These days HIV is a treatable, chronic illness that you can live until old age with and still die of natural causes rather than the HIV. What happens next depends on the level of something called your CD4 count in your blood. This is what the HIV attatches itself onto and attacks. The normal range for a normal person is around 700-1000. The level at which medication is introduced is 350 and below. There is also something called the viral load which is how many copies of HIV there is in the blood. Don't be alarmed if it seems high, it is not too significant right now. Copies of 1 million plus are not too uncommon and can sometimes be higher but the CD4 count is the most important. But the medication is so good these days it can raise your CD4 count to above 700 and make your viral load undetectable and it can stay that way for years, decades without needing a change in medication.

    I do understand how you feel. It is a certainly a shock and big news to get your head around. But HIV treatment and management is superb these days and is not the death sentence it once was. I am conforming to society and stigma because I am going through the stage of feeling dirty and disgusting but I am working around it and once I have digested the news I am sure I will be fine. If you ever need to talk about this, please PM me because I most certainly do understand.
  3. Done11

    Done11 Member

    Hi Amethyst Moon.

    It is getting hard waiting for the results to come back. I'm in the sobbing period I guess you would say..still in denial. Once I have confirmation and my levels read, then will come the true test of my strength. Have you told your close family and friends?
  4. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I struggled with waiting for my confirmation results but the first test is 99% accurate and false positives are so rare so you can expect the confirmation to be positive. That sobbing period is completely normal I am still coming to terms with my results but it does get easier and better. When you have confirmation and you have all your levels you know where you stand and it truely is a blessing when that happens because you can actually move on. The not knowing is far worse than the knowing. Which country are you from? If you are in the UK like myself I have some truely awesome resources, even if not I can share with you anyway.

    The thing my doctor told me about telling people is that people don't have to know and it's none of their business. She told me to be wary who I told, because people all react differently. If you want my opinion, I would just stick with telling your parents/siblings and your closest friends because it is enough to have a adequate support network. I have only told my parents and my fiance in life off the internet and that is how it is going to stay and I am happy with that :)
  5. HollowRhythms

    HollowRhythms Well-Known Member

    :hug: done and lex

    saw this and had to give hugs, cause there's not much more to say other than we're here for ya guys...

  6. Done11

    Done11 Member

    WB 3-1-12 Diagnosed HIV +
    Seeing a doctor today for acute symptoms. In complete angst. Finding the courage to bear with this is just as hard as finding the courage to commit suicide. Life as I now know will be changed forever. The better days are long gone.
  7. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    HIV doesn't have to change your life. My life hasn't changed at all since I was diagnosed. It will only eat you up if you let it!

    What were your levels or don't you know yet??

    The only thing that will change is you have to go for check ups every 3-6 months and may have to take a couple of pills a day. It's no worse than being diagnosed with diabetes or heart disease.
  8. letty

    letty Banned Member

    Done11 Hi there, just wanted to say hang in there, I know hearing the news is shocking, scarry, and alot to handle, I hope you have good support from your family. my sisters are helping me get through this. take Lexis advice. . the meds are alot better now than what they use to be. my CD4 count is under 200, viral load is in the millions. you are not alone. hang in there.
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