I can't even begin to explain the way I feel right now. Probably how all people feel when they've received the news that I have. With on;y one attempt about four years ago, suicidal feelings have always crossed my mind more than usual. Now, removing myself is something I know I have to do. 2 days ago I tested positive for HIV. When I heard the news my heart hit the floor. The first thing I could think of is this will really change my life forever. It's been pretty evident that I do not have much going for me. I'm nonindependent at 23 with a job that doesn't pay much. The past 2 days have been hysteria. I'm helpless lost and confused. I've told one of my close friends and they have been pretty supportive but I have not told my family and other close friends which is a task I cannot do. I'll be receiving the confirmatory results of my blood testing today but I am more than sure I don't want to know what they'll be. Last night I slept with a large kitchen knife at hand. I awoke a few times to make a noose in my closet from a bed sheet. I am so weak that I could barely bring my self to asphyxiate. I know there are many people out there with this disease but I am not a person who copes well with things. For me to have something like this for the rest of my life is more than enough reason for me to end it.