the worst of me

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by metamorphosis17, Dec 27, 2011.

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  1. metamorphosis17

    metamorphosis17 Well-Known Member

    Just cut through to the fat in my arm. This is the worst cut I've made since 2006.

    I can't believe myself. I need help. Why can't anyone help me? Why is every therapist I see completely ineffective? Is it me? Why can't I tell myself no?

    It doesn't matter how long I go without it, the moment I give in it's worse than it ever was.

    Worse than it EVER was.

    I should get stitches, but I know I won't.

    I'll just hope it doesn't kill me...and pretend it didn't happen.
     
  2. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    sometimes, telling yourself no to an established habit takes practice so be patient with yourself.

    also, why do you say that no therapist can help you?
     
  3. metamorphosis17

    metamorphosis17 Well-Known Member

    I never seem to find a therapist who is knowledgeable and/or has worked with many self-injurers. I think part of it is living in a rural area, and only being able to see small-town facilities. Beyond that, I assume bad-luck/fate. If none of that is valid, it must just be that I am incapable of allowing positivity inside.

    I think I resist more than the average person.

    ---------- Post added at 06:09 AM ---------- Previous post was at 05:02 AM ----------

    I am such an idiot. Just dropped an entire pizza on the floor, toppings down.

    I have to make another one.

    Now, I hate myself so much i want to cut again. I hate my father for not even noticing.

    I hate the world for existing and forcing me to exist.

    I get really emotional over pizza..........

    I clearly have problems...
     
  4. ali 56

    ali 56 Well-Known Member

    I hope you reconsider and get yourself some medical help, also when you admit yourself to hospital someone in the profession of MH will talk to you and this helps as talking helps free the mind and puts things into perspective. They also make sure you are OK when you leave, medically and emotionally as from my experience however little therapy you recieve it all contributes to keeping you safe. I hope you are OK.
    Take care - Ali.
     
  5. metamorphosis17

    metamorphosis17 Well-Known Member

    No, here they just lock you away...doesn't help that my sister is a doctor. NO hospital for me...first-aid run, though.
     
  6. JustFirefly

    JustFirefly Well-Known Member

    Sadly i know exactly how you feel. No matter what i do i can escape this. I can go days, weeks, months without cutting. When i start again its like its just progressing. Ive put myself into a hole....

    All i can really say is...
    Try to keep your head up and try to make it through.. As stupid as that sounds its all ive learned to do...
     
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