The worst time of year

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by detroit_pink, Dec 19, 2011.

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  1. detroit_pink

    detroit_pink New Member

    I never had anything against Christmas. My parents and I lived in New England, while our extended families were further south. We used to get in the old Taurus wagon and road trip down the east coast, collecting presents. It was always an exciting time of year. Of course it didn't last, and I can accept that. But this is too much.

    I am a newlywed. It will be one year this January. My husband is a man who often has trouble with words and often forgets that he's a man at all. I married young and I married fast. We only dated for two months before he proposed. I thought I was on a whirlwind romance with someone who was supposed to be my best friend. We were both in the military and I guess we were so afraid of losing each other to deployments that we decided to make it legal. 7 months after we first got married, I started to suffer serious anxiety and depression.

    I've always struggled with bouts of depression. There was always some excuse for it. I would blame it on a recent break-up, or failing friendships, or just general hard times. I assumed I was just a sensitive spirit who struggled with hardship. My parents, growing up, would fight endlessly. I grew up always feeling alone (only child) and isolated from all the other "happy people". I was used to never feeling safe. I guess that might have contributed to the constant fear and apprehension that I now feel.

    I thought my anxiety was due to the stress of my job and a new marriage. When I sought help from the Chaplain, he sent me over to mental health. They discharged me for fraudulent enlistment. When I revealed my past history with depression, they said that I lied to my recruiters and that my "condition" would have disqualified me from service. But I never lied. I didn't know what I was going through.

    Well now I'm 23, I never finished college, I was discharged from my bright career in Nuclear Propulsion, and I am now jobless and totally dependent on my 20 year old husband.

    I was on medication for my anxiety. Zoloft and Wellbutrin. Things started to get better. But my husband finished his training and was moved to Virginia. I came with him. The upset in my schedule has caused me to delay in getting on my meds again. I realize that may be part of the problem. I've just never felt this violent before.

    My feelings, when I was depressed, were always a little violent. I became a cutter at the age of 13. I wasn't allowed to express myself as a child. My father threatened to kick me out if I ever told him and my mom how I really felt. I know he was trying to suppress the in-fighting between me and my mother but what he really did was to teach me how to bury years of rage and sadness. Now, it's as if all of that is pushing to the surface.

    I caught my husband texting another woman. Very early in our relationship, I found texts to a younger girl, telling her that he thought of her at night and that I was controlling and manipulative. Sometimes I control out of fear, but I was consciously trying not to be like that to him. The betrayal made me crazy. I tried to kick him out, but he wouldn't leave. We worked it out, but the fighting has never really stopped. Sometimes I get so angry at him, I resort to hitting him. I can yell at him until my face is blue, but he won't answer. He won't do anything. He won't say anything. It makes me crazy.

    I caught him texting her again, this month. He told her he was divorced. He asked to meet up with her in his home state.

    I tried to kill myself that night. After all, I have nothing to lose and now the only person I thought I really loved is continuing to betray me. Worse yet, he blames me. He says its my fault that he keeps texting her. I called her, and she was very sweet. I have no bad feelings toward this poor girl. She's only in high school. She knew he was lying and she felt bad that he was doing this to me.

    He swears that he wasn't going to cheat on me and that he's "sick". He says he has abandonment issues, and that they make him sabotage his relationships.

    His mother thinks I'm an evil bitch. I begged him to stay with me for Christmas. His family reacted by targeting me on facebook and saying that I was a "***** bitch" who is trying to steal their favorite son. All I wanted was for my husband, (who has left me behind for Halloween, My Brithday, and our anniversary, to go see his family thus far) to come with me to TN to visit my dying grandmother. I wanted him to prove to me, after everything, that he cares enough to do something just for me, for once.

    He's leaving me here, alone, for christmas.

    I don't know if I can take anymore. I'm a failure. I've gained weight. I never wear real clothes anymore because I have no reason to leave the house. I tried to start my own freelance art business and apply to schools, but then all of this happened and threw me over the edge. I hate being awake and alone. My husband works every other day for 24 hours a day. When he isn't home, he can't text or call. I am in a strange state with no friends or family and I am being attacked by my in-laws, betrayed and abandoned by my husband. I have been abusing prescription drugs just to make myself unconscious, as well as drinking in excess. I have cut myself so many times, I've had to find new areas to cut. I've beaten myself with metal rods because parts of my skin no longer feel pain.

    How can he not understand what he's doing to me? How can he listen to me scream and cry and watch me hurt myself in front of him, and not do anything to stop it? How can he believe that leaving me alone on Christmas, will make our marriage stronger? I think he wants me dead. I think he's pushing me until I kill myself. I alternate between loving and hating him.

    I tried to overdose on Hydrocodone but he stopped me. I take two every night, just to sleep. I am hurting so much and so often that I would take anything, if someone promised it would make me feel...lighter. I like the painkillers because it makes all my back pain go away and all of my emotional pain too. I like feeling numb and weightless. If I don't have drugs, I have to cut because its the only thing that makes all of the rage and sadness subside. It's like there are these demons inside me, and when they are triggered, they won't stop until there's blood. Nothing else seems to satisfy it. When I tried to kill myself in front of my husband, he tried to stop me, and I cut him with a razorblade. I never thought I would be one of those people. I'm terrified of how violent my feelings are getting.

    I don't know what posting here will accomplish. But I'm running out of pain killers and time.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your right hun You need to do something NOW okay sign yourself into hospital and stay there until you are stable Sound to me you need marriage councilling as well What your husband is doing is abuse really mental abuse chosing his family over you his wife. I think you need to start looking after YOU NOW okay Sign into hospital get treatment and then if he does not get marriage councilling with you You go on your own and get therapy to help you deal with all the pain and anger inside you hugs
  3. Belladonna

    Belladonna Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry you are going through all this.
    You aren't a failure, you are in pain and that is a huge difference.
    The thing is, if you were crabby, bitchy, whatever because you had cancer, you wouldn't hold it against yourself. Your in-laws wouldn't either.
    I think being scared is a good thing if it will spur you to get help. Obviously, your husband doesn't know how to be there for you, otherwise he wouldn't leave you alone while struggling. Maybe he simply doesn't understand, but just because he can't help you the way you need him to, it doesn't mean that there aren't people out there who would totally get you and know how to support you. Please just don't give up on yourself.
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