It seems, always, I do the wrong thing. Sometimes I do this knowing it is the wrong thing, but feeling like there is no other viable option. More often, I do what I hope to be the right thing, and in emotional turmoil and pain I quite simply fuck everything up. I panic - the world spins - I need to do SOMETHING and that something is almost always the wrong thing. And I hurt people. And I lose people. For someone who is actually extremely articulate, I seem never to find the right words when they are needed - when they are pivotal. When I feel like my whole world rests on a single attempt to fix something or save something - the words I find are clumsy and wrong and inevitably end up making things worse. Not just for me - for everyone. In the course of this week I have lost three friends - one of whom I would move the earth to gain forgiveness from - to have back in my life. I do not have friends to spare. I want to change my life. I want, for once, to do THE RIGHT THING. To make the choice that is healthy and happy. But I cannot do it alone. And I am very afraid there is nobody left. That so many years of doing the wrong thing and losing people by attrition and collateral damage have left me so alone that it is impossible. I know people will want to reply that I am "strong enough to do it alone" - but it is not a matter of strength - it is a matter of the basic interest in doing it without people around me that I care about. Without laughter and conversation and light to fight the darkness, the rest becomes meaningless to me. If there was a way to turn back time I would do it, but I can't. I want very much to fix this - to mend what I broke - to regain what I lost. But I am very afraid there is no 'right thing' to do to achieve that. She never deserved the pain I caused - and while I did not cause it alone I feel I bear the lion share of the blame. I want to fix that. I should have done as he asked and trusted him - I should have simply let him go, whatever the cost to me - not given in to the pain and desperation and scrambled to do the 'right thing' that turned out so plainly to be the wrong thing. I should never have done anything to risk his friendship - to lose his friendship. I want to fix that. I should not have wasted a decade and a half of my life on people who did not consider me in any sense important - making decisions and choices that were so often the wrong thing out of need for their affection and approval. I should not have let it damage me so badly. I want to fix that. The RIGHT THING - the healthy thing - is to make changes in my life that will raise my self esteem - that will challenge the fears I allow to rule my life. But what if I have done far far too much of the WRONG THING to fix the things I need to fix to move forward?