The Wrong Thing...

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Freya, Dec 27, 2013.

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  1. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    It seems, always, I do the wrong thing. Sometimes I do this knowing it is the wrong thing, but feeling like there is no other viable option. More often, I do what I hope to be the right thing, and in emotional turmoil and pain I quite simply fuck everything up. I panic - the world spins - I need to do SOMETHING and that something is almost always the wrong thing. And I hurt people. And I lose people.

    For someone who is actually extremely articulate, I seem never to find the right words when they are needed - when they are pivotal. When I feel like my whole world rests on a single attempt to fix something or save something - the words I find are clumsy and wrong and inevitably end up making things worse. Not just for me - for everyone.

    In the course of this week I have lost three friends - one of whom I would move the earth to gain forgiveness from - to have back in my life. I do not have friends to spare.

    I want to change my life. I want, for once, to do THE RIGHT THING. To make the choice that is healthy and happy. But I cannot do it alone. And I am very afraid there is nobody left. That so many years of doing the wrong thing and losing people by attrition and collateral damage have left me so alone that it is impossible. I know people will want to reply that I am "strong enough to do it alone" - but it is not a matter of strength - it is a matter of the basic interest in doing it without people around me that I care about. Without laughter and conversation and light to fight the darkness, the rest becomes meaningless to me.

    If there was a way to turn back time I would do it, but I can't. I want very much to fix this - to mend what I broke - to regain what I lost. But I am very afraid there is no 'right thing' to do to achieve that.

    • She never deserved the pain I caused - and while I did not cause it alone I feel I bear the lion share of the blame. I want to fix that.
    • I should have done as he asked and trusted him - I should have simply let him go, whatever the cost to me - not given in to the pain and desperation and scrambled to do the 'right thing' that turned out so plainly to be the wrong thing. I should never have done anything to risk his friendship - to lose his friendship. I want to fix that.
    • I should not have wasted a decade and a half of my life on people who did not consider me in any sense important - making decisions and choices that were so often the wrong thing out of need for their affection and approval. I should not have let it damage me so badly. I want to fix that.

    The RIGHT THING - the healthy thing - is to make changes in my life that will raise my self esteem - that will challenge the fears I allow to rule my life. But what if I have done far far too much of the WRONG THING to fix the things I need to fix to move forward?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 27, 2013
  2. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    Freya... I do not have a lot of words to give you, or anyone today tbh, but there are a few things I wanted to say.

    First, you are right, about the "healthy thing to do".
    As to your question "what if I have done far far too much of the WRONG THING to fix the things I need to fix to move forward" .. sounds to me the very first thing you need to do, is to forgive yourself. Allow yourself the grace to realize we all mess up... especially when we are in pain or scared... and that its ok to mess up, because then we can learn from those mistakes.... and that this realization of "we all mess up" includes you too, therefore you are allowed the same forgiveness and allotment as everyone else... to mess up, learn, and grow.

    The real question is this: Do you have enough courage and will power in you to use your strength in order to forgive yourself for your past mistakes and move forward both trying to do better and trying to heal?
     
  3. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    The past can be very haunting, and torment you with the "what if's" to the point where it's one of the primary things in your mind and heart. One of the hardest but most productive things to do may be to appriciate your past,(no matter how good or bad it turned out) and be the person you want to be. Learn from your own life lessons and stand the ground you want. That way, you're living your life for you, and when an opportunity arises to rekindle old friendships or relationships, you'll be doing so in the best way that you believe in.

    You can always move forward, but I know sometimes that feeling or thought doesn't seem to exist. If you can appricate that you are wanting to move forward, that's a good place to draw from. Start small, bring new things into your life and be kind to yourself. When things get tough, remember who you are, and keep going. The past may put a damper on you, but in another fashion it's just a part of life. How you use it is up to you, but it's never stronger than you.
     
  4. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    I want very much to move forward. Forgiving myself for past sins is not as easy done as said - even if you understand that it is necessary. I haven't any interest in doing any of the things I put in place to move forward without my friends - without my best friend. I know it is meant to be about doing it for myself - but a week ago I would have said I could do it for him too, and he would be proud. Before he became yet another victim to THE WRONG THING.

    The truth is I am trying - for him even though he does not know it - and for me because I do really really want to be happy and healthy. I know the road is a long one - and I do not want to walk it alone.
     
  5. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    My situation is that because I moved so much from place to place, I chose to just cut the friends I've made in each place and start anew. I did not know how lonely I've become because I never regained contact to anyone of them. I regret that so much. I used to have a great social life, but now I'm only limited to acquaintances, and not anybody who I can really hang out with. I wish I had my friends back but now it's too late. It's a great loss for me and it's not easy to make friends anymore because now I deal with social anxiety that makes me so uncomfortable to hang out with anyone anymore. I have only myself to blame. It's so sad.
     
  6. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    freya... i know its the hardest thing in the world to forgive yourself... sometimes the only way i can do it is to pretend that in that situation in my mind's eye, i am someone else, not me....because its easier for me to forgive others .... and then if i can see the reason i could forgive a different person for the same action having been done to me, i can then try to put that reason to use on myself....

    i really think it is the fisrt thing you need to do though in order to move forward at all .... perhaps you will be forced to walk the rest of this life without him, but that is not to say that you will always have to be alone....
     
  7. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Hmm.. well I can sort of undertand what you're saying. Though I'm not sure I agree with your positions. It sounds like you're putting alot of emphasis on other people in your life, when it comes to your life. Perhaps I don't understand, so I apologise if that came off rudely. Just, try not to make other people the do all and end all of things. Friendships and relationships are supposed to inspire and progress your lives, not be a position of hinderence in any fashion. I realize sometimes a friendship will remind us that we need to buck up, but that should be approached in the best of light.

    Idk, sounds raw from what you've said considering things have happened in the last week. Keep in mind it's Christmas time and peoples emotions are higher than normal. Try and be kind to yourself, and relax. If you drive yourself tensly, you may repel pleasent things that you would normally let in.
     
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