The Year of Loss

I would consider myself a smart guy. I seem to be able to teach myself anything and many people have (in the past) said that I am talented. It's true, I am a Jack of all Trades, Master of Many. I lack some skills though. Like the ability to live with a happy mind. I am forever burdened by bad memories and times of distress. Each day that passes, my thoughts are consuming me.

I know what is bringing me down. There is so much from the past that haunts my present, it makes me wonder about the future and if it will ever hold he hand of happiness.

This year has been the roughest yet.

The most important factors that have come along this year have happened within recent months. This was the year of loss. I lost my cars, my home, my job, my pets, my material holdings and almost my woman. Out of all that I lost, my wife I was able to keep. believe me when I tell you that she was almost gone.

In the past, I have been diagnosed in having just about every mental illness under the sun. I have taken nearly every medication there is. Some making me more depressed than usual and others that brought me to the brink of a heart attack. I have self medicated with pot. I have changed my diet, taken supplements and I exercise as much as possible. Nothing has changed... Wait yes it has, I feel worse.


My thing is this. My brain is plagued with so much confusion and so many negative memories that I can't even smile. I look at my wife and ask myself, "What have I done? She deserves better than me." Then along comes all those SCARY visions on killing myself, of her being alone. Then the tears.

To put it brief.. I can't take this pain anymore. I wish to die and I do not want to be anyones burden anymore.

I am sorry baby.





:sad: