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them versus me

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you want me to keep living, keep suffering just so THEIR alright. wouldn't that be considered selfish? No one calls to see if I am ok or alive. But I am supposed to stay alive so they are not hurt by my death. I know it will hurt them and they will feel guilty but what am I supposed to do? call them and say hey, I'm going to kill myself if you don't have a relationship with me? They are 18 and 23, they don't want to take care of mom.

They'll be ok eventually. If they are ok without me now, they'll be ok later. My husband is strong and has a very strong faith, he will be ok. Really he loves me only for the sake of God.

I don't have any desires to live or do anything, I just want to go to sleep. I have no emotions, no joy just existence. I have tried to find the answers for several years but I am just finished trying.
i think i'm having a conversation with myself

I wish that I hadn't lost my faith. If I still had faith, I wouldn't be able to kill myself.

I'm not saying that I know there is no God, I just have lost my belief.

I turned in to Mr. Spock and started trying to find the logic in everything, eventually, it was gone.

why do they say anyone that is suicidal is mentally ill? can't someone just want to die?
I am cool with having made up my mind to do it. I have the date set, the plan, the place. just waiting for the day.
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Maybe you should try to help others. See if it gives you a purpose, makes you happy. It absolutly destroyed me when my mother died. I pray that your daughters wont feel the same and can somehow deal with it.
there was a time I wanted to help others, now I get nothing from it.

I actually don't even know what is right and wrong anymore. everything is subjective.
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