Then and NOW: My story that some may find of use.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by pogosticker, Mar 3, 2012.

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  1. pogosticker

    pogosticker Well-Known Member

    There were various reasons why my life was so messed up. It all started to go downhill at around 14, but didn't get bad till 16/17. I have body dysmorphia, which I couldn't cope with at school. My grades started to slip, and I'd skip school a lot. I was very self conscious about my appearance. I ended up dropping out. At this point I was severely depressed and had my first 'attempt'. I went to bed, sobbing, and took 10 pills. I was new to the whole overdosing thing, and since it said 'do not exceed the stated dose. If you do, call an ambulance' or whatever, I figured 10 would be enough to kill me. It didn't, I just ended up with stomach aches for a week, and life continued. I got put on medication to help with my mental health problems.. but this was what made things 100 times worse - it increased my appetite, and before I knew it I had gained 60lbs (around 4 stone.) This of course made the issues I already had with my body extremely more unbearable than they already were. I OD'd again, but this time I'd do it over the space of a week - topping up on pills throughout the week. Just made me feel ill again, and that was that. At this point, I had no future (in my eyes), I was fat, ugly and nobody would ever love me, I lived at home while not working or at college, on disability benefits, had no friends. I had nobody to talk to. In mid-2010, my dad moved us again. We moved to another town - my mother died when I was 6, and since then he'd moved us around about 15 times - he'd move from woman to woman, so we'd always have a different 'mother' figure in our life. I saw my dad get into more fights and arguments than I'd care to remember. I cried more than I care to remember. I had all my internal problems, and didn't even have a secure home environment where I could feel 'safe'. Anyway, I was 18 when we moved again. I could have moved into my own place to get away - but I was too dependant and had extreme social anxiety. I couldn't bear the thought of doing things on my own, so I went with my dad. We moved into a pub his new girlfriend ran. It was in the centre of town - surrounded by busy stores. This of course made my social anxiety even worse, and so I locked myself upstairs for 5 months, NEVER leaving. I grew my hair, I stayed fat, and my mental health was deteriorating, due to me confining myself away from the world. I self harmed. One day, in the middle of the night I left and headed towards a field. I wanted to slit my wrist in the dark field so nobody would find me and i'd bleed to death. But I couldn't do it. I ended up with slices on my arms, but nothing deep enough to kill me. They're now thick, hideous scars. Anyway, after moving twice again and facing more arguments and violence, I moved again. Things were better then - I lost weight and was feeling better about myself. My social anxiety slipped away and things seemed to be getting better. My issues with my appearance were also better. I was a 20 year old virgin who'd never even been kissed, who had always feared rejection so never even tried. But now, feeling better about myself I got into online dating. To my surprise guys actually liked me. I ended up seeing 6 different guys, and they all liked me - but the problem was I didn't like them, and only dated them because they liked me and I feared that I couldn't do any 'better'. Anyway, at the end of last year things got bad again. My dad's an alcoholic and we had a huge fight. I came out in 2010 and he never liked it, but during the fight he called me a ******, disgusting etc. I ended up OD'ing on 70 pills - not just down to the argument, but because I had no future, in my eyes. Got taken to hospital, blah blah blah.

    At that point I decided I wanted to change. I moved away from my dad, into a flat with my sister. I've now recently started dating someone, and we're likely to be referring to ourselves as 'in a relationship' shortly. I'm trying my hardest to find a job, but had no luck so far - but I'm not letting that bring me down I'm just staying hopeful. I've applied for college. I'm volunteering. I'm now 10 stone and have taken up swimming. I'm happy with how I look now. I now have no fear of going outside - well, sometimes I get a little anxious but generally I'm fine with it.

    2002 I'd rate my life a 9/10
    2004 I'd rate my life an 8/10
    2006 I'd rate my life a 7/10
    2008 I'd rate my life a 4/10
    2010 I'd rate my life a 0.5/10
    2011 I'd rate my life a 1/10
    2012 I rate my life 9/10.

    I'm happy now, despite having no job. But I'm optimistic and feel good about myself, and actually go out and do things on my own two feet.

    Depression is an ILLNESS. It's UNREASONABLE and you don't have to feel like suicide is the only way out.
    Depression combined with EXTERNAL PROBLEMS is hard to pull through, but you can do it. No matter what your issues, you can resolve them. There's always a way out - sometimes you have to go through AWFUL periods to find it - but there's always a way out.

    I'm glad I'm alive. I do suffer from depression but I'm determined not to let it bring me down. I keep telling myself it's unreasonable, and refuse to listen to the bad thoughts.

    Just wanted to share what I went through and how I've come out of it now. If your life is at 0.5/10, or even a 0.. you have the opportunity to bring yourself back up, but YOU have to WANT to. I'm willing to bet many of you don't truly want to die, you just want things to be better but fear it's hopeless. But it's not - not always. Please talk to someone and work out how you're gonna pull yourself back out of the rut. There are obstacles in life and things will threaten to bring you back down - but that's life - you just have to fight them and refuse to let them pull you down.

    If anyone wants someone to talk to, feel free to talk to me. Or others here. Or someone you can trust in real life. Just talk to someone, please.
  2. Descendant

    Descendant Account Closed

    Good post and great story, it's nice to read something positive on here every now and then. It's helped put my problems in perspective a little, which seem rather small and insignificant now compared to what you had to face and overcome. That's great you finally found someone you can have a relationship with, and I hope you find a job soon. I think not having a job and no economic freedom is what contributes a lot to depression and unfortunately they're hard to find right now.

    I'm glad I'm alive also, and even though I still get suicidal thoughts and still get depressed I'm coping with it better than I was a couple years back, before I got my dog. Lately though I'm starting to feel another episode (as I like to call them) coming on so I'm trying to do what I can to keep it from holding me down by forcing myself to go outside, read books etc.

    There's also a combination of "natural" over the counter mood/concentration enhancing supplements that I'm going to try that seem to be working really well for people and their depression so and I'll see how it goes. I hope things keep getting better for you, keep riding that wave all the way to shore.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 3, 2012
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