I am new to this site. Today. I didn't come here to reveal a sad story. To appeal for encouragement. Actually, to be honest I don't really now why I signed up here or why I did so to wrote this. A desperate attempt to discover something; some word, some...thing, that helps. Buy time...connect with even a sentiment of hope? I am aware of my illness, my depression. I have had it all my life. I handled it on my own, in private, for nearly 30 yrs...much of that time I didn't know what was wrong with me, only that something was wrong beneath a formidable self-denial and well-developed facade that even impressed me much of the time. At least enough. But, at 33 my life came apart entirely. I lost everything; my money, my wife, my friends, my dignity, my confidence, my capacity. Everything except my family. Thanks to my family I held on long enough to regain some stability - not my dignity or confidence, and not my capacity (at least not to anything of what I knew myself once to be). But I was in a place where I wasn't hurting anyone at least...at least...even though I have not had a sense of a future for years now - no financial independence, no genuine capacity (physical/emotional)...and no real sense of self - confidence, belief, trust, even worthiness. I am now 37. All that has kept me here is my family and trying not to hurt anyone. Which brings me to this forum today. When that last reason is gone, where do you turn? The people that had found a way in the past to understand...forgive...accept...that had done so much to protect me from that previous catastrophe (which would have been even more severe without them - legal/financial, etc), I have now burned. Burned with deceit. With theft. With betrayal. Totally fulfilling the prophecy of the voice inside me. I bring misery and heartbreak to the people that care - my only support, and I can't bear it...or face it, face them, or face myself. I'm truly lost. I believe in my heart that it's better for everyone that I just go away. I do know the generic counters to this, and they're valid, but they don't change the practical evidence. When you have crossed that last remaining line...that line, that reason, you fought so hard to discover and believe in...to hold on to. The thing that helped you be here today.......then what???