...then what???

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by JimmyJams, Oct 12, 2016.

  1. JimmyJams

    JimmyJams New Member

    I am new to this site. Today.

    I didn't come here to reveal a sad story. To appeal for encouragement. Actually, to be honest I don't really now why I signed up here or why I did so to wrote this.

    A desperate attempt to discover something; some word, some...thing, that helps. Buy time...connect with even a sentiment of hope?

    I am aware of my illness, my depression. I have had it all my life. I handled it on my own, in private, for nearly 30 yrs...much of that time I didn't know what was wrong with me, only that something was wrong beneath a formidable self-denial and well-developed facade that even impressed me much of the time. At least enough.

    But, at 33 my life came apart entirely. I lost everything; my money, my wife, my friends, my dignity, my confidence, my capacity. Everything except my family. Thanks to my family I held on long enough to regain some stability - not my dignity or confidence, and not my capacity (at least not to anything of what I knew myself once to be). But I was in a place where I wasn't hurting anyone at least...at least...even though I have not had a sense of a future for years now - no financial independence, no genuine capacity (physical/emotional)...and no real sense of self - confidence, belief, trust, even worthiness. I am now 37. All that has kept me here is my family and trying not to hurt anyone. Which brings me to this forum today.

    When that last reason is gone, where do you turn? The people that had found a way in the past to understand...forgive...accept...that had done so much to protect me from that previous catastrophe (which would have been even more severe without them - legal/financial, etc), I have now burned. Burned with deceit. With theft. With betrayal. Totally fulfilling the prophecy of the voice inside me. I bring misery and heartbreak to the people that care - my only support, and I can't bear it...or face it, face them, or face myself.

    I'm truly lost. I believe in my heart that it's better for everyone that I just go away. I do know the generic counters to this, and they're valid, but they don't change the practical evidence.

    When you have crossed that last remaining line...that line, that reason, you fought so hard to discover and believe in...to hold on to. The thing that helped you be here today.......then what???
    BitterandNumb likes this.
  2. curlyq

    curlyq Active Member

    I'm so sorry that you feel like this. It sounds like you have been through a lot, and it sounds like you blame yourself for much of it. But please try not to be so hard on yourself. Every person has done things that they regret, and you don't deserve to feel like this. I hope that you have a family member who you might be able to talk to about this. Even if you think otherwise, I'm sure that your family does care about you and wouldn't be better off without you.
    I think you answered your own question about what to do after you've crossed the last line: you came here. You turned to people who understand what it's like to hit rock bottom and who feel what you're feeling. Everyone here understands and is cheering for you. Please keep holding on!
    Crazy Cat likes this.
  3. JimmyJams

    JimmyJams New Member

    Thank you curlyq. Thank you for taking the time to reply o my post.

    I don't have anyone else to turn to, no. After my major problems 3, nearly 4 years ago, I don't have many people in my life.

    But I'm in a less precarious state today actually. Although I have thoughts in my head about what's happened, my shame and my patheticness, and everything else, my body has gone numb and I'm not really feeling. It's a relief at the moment to be free of the anxious, desperate panic. That's something at least.

    Thank you once again for the reply you posted.
  4. Crazy Cat

    Crazy Cat Member

    Please don't give up!! There are people who genuinely care about you, especially in the SF community.
    curlyq likes this.
  5. curlyq

    curlyq Active Member

    Hang in there jimmyjams! Even though you might not agree right now, you are a strong person and you will be able to survive this. There will be a time when you are able to feel positively again, not just numb. I'll keep you in my thoughts!