theophany

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lurktheshadows, Jul 23, 2010.

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  1. lurktheshadows

    lurktheshadows Well-Known Member

    sometimes I yearn for some supreme manifestation of the divine to come down and tell me to how to live
    but then I remember I don't believe in god

    I fucked up again. Huge, humiliating blow out with my family.

    I pop some pills for the sole reason that it will hurt less when I finally do it. I do it because I don't deserve the pain, I don't deserve any actual emotion. I am selfish.

    Then I don't...why? cowardice?
    I'm completely apathetic about my family at the moment. I don't care about anything anymore.

    And I keep falling in love with everyone...everyone. I love too easily, and it's too painful to cope with. And I lie and I contradict myself.

    I want someone to maim me, disfigure me more than I already am. I want to savor the bite of deceit and resentment. I am too accustomed to this steady drone of pain in my life; I desire the scream of genuine torture.

    I'm dependent on my own self-deprecation now. Without it I have no identity. I live to hate myself, I live to experience misery.

    If you saw me, you wouldn't care. I'm a repugnant pathetic beast. I have no purpose, I have never felt a purpose, and I never expect to. It is this that drives me so frenzied into my grave.

    What else can I say? I'm a nihilistic wreck, that sums it up.

    Everything is so insipid and tedious in my life. Everything is so mundane and inconsequential. Everything's so insufferable. Yet I know this is only because my perception is distorted with grief. And the fading promise that it will recover is enticing.

    I think I learned once..in my 7th grade science class that glass was a liquid, moving imperceptibly. I have no idea if that information has any merit to it. But if it is true..then I am glass, too often I presume I am static...stagnant molecules. Perhaps it will take decades, but maybe I'll warp just enough to alter my ambivalence.
    The problem is, I don't think I can endure this for even a month more...

    My mind is being stroked tenderly by a drug-induced surreal joy now, so my need to vent has dissipated.

    I don't know why you read all of this, but I thank you for it nonetheless.


    -freya
     
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Freya. I'm sorry to hear that you're suffering so badly right now. It's easy to love people easily, because it's natural to feel a connection with people, though I doubt that you're actually 'in love' with them. We're all connected when it comes down to it.

    Why do you want someone to harm you? Why not have someone love you instead? Torture is no fun at all. Please don't give up and please try to find happiness in more positive aspects of life. :hug:
     
  3. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Pray. I would simply say that. Pray for guidence and hope. I am praying for you. Your post was very beautifully written. You have much to share and give. PLEASE DONT GIVE UP. STAY HERE AND HEAL AND FIND HOPE!!!!

    Write me if you like,

    Marty
     
  4. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    Oh Frey, i didn't see this until now. I'm sorry.

    Please get back onto some meds? If not for yourself then do it for me. I need you.

    Please come talk to me. Reply to my email. I am here for you and i'll be your strength when you have none for yourself, and i'll fight for you when you have no fight left in you.

    This is going to be ok, just don't give up yet.
     
  5. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    Double post
     
  6. lifeispeechy

    lifeispeechy Account Closed

    want to get married ? we sound perfect for each other ...
     
  7. lurktheshadows

    lurktheshadows Well-Known Member

    I have no idea who you are, but ok :laugh:


    and becs, I love you <3

    and thank you dave and marty, perhaps I'll write more when I actually have had some sleep.
     
  8. xXxRNBxXx

    xXxRNBxXx Senior member

    Freya :hug:

    I hope your ok hun sorry i only just seen this i came on last night but id missed you.... love hugs and kisses to you xxxx

    Rach x
     
  9. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    I love you too...and if you are going to marry anyone it will be me :whip:
     
  10. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    Sleep always helps your mental state.

    Good luck getting to bed.
     
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