Theory and Experiment

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Hawking13, Apr 29, 2015.

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  1. Hawking13

    Hawking13 New Member

    Life is governed largely by chance - you fall into a set of terrible circumstances largely due to external factors that are outside of your control. Take me for instance - I live in abject poverty. Hell, I live in a trailer (RV) and work for temp agencies doing minimum wage labor jobs. This is all due to being born into poverty - an external factor that was entirely outside of my control. You perpetually struggle in life, and it seems, in the end, that it signifies nothing. Most people throughout history have long been forgotten. Those who struggle through adversity and actually make it out - those are the exceptional cases - not the norm.

    In any case, this gets to my story. I've been to four colleges and each time, never finished. Now, it already looks bad to any prospective college that you've been hopping around colleges that long. It makes your record look inconsistent - like you have no drive or ambition whatsoever. Now, I owe the last college I attended 5,000 dollars. Doing the jobs I do now for this godforesaken temp agency, I will come up with the money by the time I'm 30 (I'm 23 now).

    I think about suicide constantly: every second of every day pretty much. I find it takes an immense amount of strength to just continue, and I find myself losing the strength to fight anymore. I want to go back to college to study astrophysics, but with my history of past failures and no hope in sight, it doesn't seem promising.

    I find my depression soon turns to volatile anger. Two days ago I started punching walls until my fists bled because my mother wouldn't drive me to a shitty interview for a minimum wage Walmart job. That was also the day that I <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>.

    Frustration. Endless frustration is all that characterizes my existence, and a distinct lack of hope. I see no light at the end of the tunnel - only darkness, a ceaseless void; like a black hole that captures all light that faces its immense gravity and spacetime curvature. I ride past the train tracks every day and I find it extremely difficult to ignore the temptation to end it.

    Reading books on physics and astronomy makes me feel better. Einstein, Maxwell, Newton: these are people I consider heroes. Yet, these were men of genius; I am no genius. I am an utter failure living in abject poverty working for temp agencies.
  2. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Sorry, I am not able to follow nor agree with your assertion that is is all chance based on being born into abject poverty as i was as well and changed my situation completely. Had you never been afforded the opportunity to even attempt the things you have discussed , never had the opportunity to work any job at all, etc then there might be a case for all chance- the fact that you had the opportunity and it did not go as plan takes it from chance squarely into circumstance and result. Further , you are 23 , hardly an age that would make the declaration of lifelong poverty a certainty. Even had you successfully complete a 4 year university degree at this time there is very high likelihood that you would still be working for a temp agency or other entry level job, but instead of a few thousand in debt be 50,000 plus in dept with a similar age though better long term future prospects so long as you were able to prove yourself in the temp agency or entry level position.

    Anger issues and depression are far more a role in your circumstance then chance and seeking help with those issues may improve your results in other things. Believing it is simply chance and that you bear no responsibility or that your anger and depression have nothing to do with your situation will not make the situation change, however it may make you bitter and more angry.
  3. Luie

    Luie Well-Known Member

    Life is a choice of career, nothing less, nothing more. So when you have no care for having career, life seemingly has no purpose. It's not about obtaining a career, or working towards one, as that's something anyone can do, it's even something everyone's expected to do. It's about wanting a career. It doesn't matter if you just want to be happy, if you can't find happiness in having a career, life gives you a terrible time. Despite being conditioned to the luxuries our society has now, some part of me wishes I was born at a time where having a happy life was simply about not dying today. Which is funny, because now my life consists of doing things to occupy myself from dying today. Sounds like we're in very similar canoes.
  4. Hawking13

    Hawking13 New Member

    I'm not depressed. Being sad in objectively shitty circumstances such as living in dirt poverty in a trailer working back-breaking labor jobs for minimum wage is an objectively shitty circumstance. I've already been overmedicated time and time again while the doctors sing the mantra "He's depressed! He's depressed!". Only it's not depression when you're sad that life is genuinely fucking shitty. That's not depression. That's realism. Anyway, I'm thinking suicide time is coming soon.
  5. Luie

    Luie Well-Known Member

    I know how hard it is to tell people this in a way they will understand. When you say that, they assume you mean your life is fucking shitty because you're depressed. I've given up trying to explain it, and it's even sadder that I can't. Whatever your decision ends up being, hope you find some peace.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 2, 2015
  6. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    What/who is left to blame for your circumstances?

    Why did you not go through with 4 different colleges you stated? Thats way better opportunity/chances that others dont get. Temp jobs are a way to let prospective employers know youre a hard worker and will hire you. Just keep trying until you catch one of their attention.
  7. davidIce

    davidIce Member

    Hawking13 - I hope I understand something of what you feel. I am sorry that some of the people at this site can be so unfeeling. I have badly f**** up my life and I am 52 years old. I lost the plot years ago - I would really like to find a way of getting my life together - but sadly for many of us putting these aspirations into reality is not so simple. I would take heart that you recognize that your situation is bad and just maybe there is a way to make things better. When you are in a very deep hole it seem almost impossible to imagine being out of it. Easy enough for those peering down at you from above - little do they realize what its like when you are down in the darkness. I know I am being stupid in failing to get out of my hole but that just makes me hate myself all the more. I hope there are some more helpful and empathic people around who can offer us some more practical help and support. I spend years doing much better for myself - but still got very depressed with my situation - it would take a huge effort just to get back to that situation - so somehow I am lacking in motivation. I have learned that the world is mostly a cruel unfeeling place - fairness is in short supply - and for some of us it is difficult to cope with repeated doses of bad luck. I hope you get some good luck - as I find that strangely having something good happening is really helpful.
  8. afterlifepig

    afterlifepig Well-Known Member

    u seem smart. i would know b/c i have an objectively high iq. i was born into the opposite circumstances of what u father is a fantastic bread earner, he makes a lot of money and my mother makes supplementary income

    i disagree when u say "Life is governed largely by chance." I used to believe that ... i majored in math and believed that's all that life was ... but now from experiences i have had i know differently. Life is governed largely by Fate.

    i don't know how that bears on your situation ... in fact 2 say that ur bad luck was fated seems pretty f-ed up. but i believe God is just and basically really smart ... so maybe u can find meaning in ur struggle? like Hercules and his 12 labors (random comparison i know but Hercules is cool)? i think if u have faith u can rise above ur situation. u know ur smart enough so it's just a matter of seeing it thru and believing that ur struggle is worthwhile

    also i kno it seems romantic but maybe astrophysics is not the right major? for example i switched from math to comp. sci so i would actually have some career prospects ... ur education is the most important thing so u can get jobs that don't suck. sorry i'm not a great counselor but i thought i should say some things
  9. Luie

    Luie Well-Known Member

    That is the same word.
    Fate is the theist's definition of chance. The only difference between those two words is where the outcome originates from. While chance is the outcome of any possible thing (or the probability of any possible thing), Fate is the outcome of any possible thing governed by a supernatural force. The way the word "chance" was being used in this instance has nothing to do with probability and more to do with possibility, so in that sense, it's the same word. That doesn't mean probability isn't important, as it plays a role in all of our decision-making, even for theists, but when you boil it down, the only difference between those two words is that one is pre-determined by something sentient, and at that point, it really doesn't make a difference where that outcome came from in the first place.
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