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Therapist advice, adhd or depression

Ardentli

Well-Known Member
#1
I finally have insurabce that covers behavioral health and i make enough to actually afford co pays and deductibles. I set up an appointment in the 4th.

Im nervous as i haven't been to therapy for 10 years. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder, general anxiety and anorexia. I went on celexa, wellbutrin and then prozac but nothing worked. And after a decade managing on my own. Recently. Well its been a while actually but only now do i feel like i finally came to tbe conclusions that i have inattentive adhd.

And what got me thinking is that ive had this new job since November and i am struggling. In a way i never have before because this is the fist job i ever had in a office. The last time i delt with paper work was in high school and college and i dropped out of both... i started talking to my mom asking her about what i was like as a kid. And i been just disecting my life (i have a rather large list) and i want to talk to my psychiatrist. Well psychiatric nurse practioner because that more of what i can afford.

Below ill put that list but my main thing is im not sure if im rught or how to go about this or what it means if i am right. Part of me wonders if its true then my depression finally has a potential cause other than just happing because nothing.
 

Ardentli

Well-Known Member
#2
List i feel mean i have adhd
  • My handwriting is terrible, spelling and grammar as well. I often skip letters or words or numbers . Like witing the second letter of a word. Since forever.
  • Mom said as a kid i was shy and closed off. Didn't like loud sounds. I still don't. Very emotional and cried easily for anything.
  • I hide the tears and emotional outburst now but they get so intense. Furious frustration, over little things. Im always overwhelmed especially at work.
  • I always day dream, i don't even realize sometimes. When i was kid i would and doodle on all my books and my arms. I zone out. I just get caught up in my thoughts.
  • I was always late as a kid and took forever to get ready. Older i just give my self a ridiculous amount of time to be sure im not late. And i still do anyways and those are the times i freak out. Panic attacks.
  • My memory is trash. I forget everything, names, dates, my keys, my mask everything.
  • My house , my bag, my desk don't help. They are chaos. I can't get my self to clean or organize them.
  • Everything i do try to organize. I get bored or frustrated. If i manage a list i forget or don't have the energy.
  • I never have energy. Im alaays exhasted. I feel emotionally wrung out.
  • Sleep doesn't help cause most nights i can shut off my thoughts and if i do sleep well its because i passed out from exhastion.
  • I avoid tasks, people, and conversations i feel lile will take to much of my energry.
  • PROCRASTINATION against my will. I will litteraly sit yelling at my self to do something and just can't.
  • I have to qrite most things down. Ill forget and even then.
  • I have a million incomplete projects.
  • I like working Saturday cause no one is in the office to bother me. Because everything pulls my attention. I still get caught up in my own thoughts.
  • I pick my skin and bite nails not oit of nervous ness just a compulsion.
  • Best times i can actually concentrate i have to get on a roll and then everything else just fades out. I forget about ppl and time.
  • In the zone or zoned out in my thoughts or day dreams or reading too. If someone talks to me at that time. I never hear it. Ill sometimes register someone is speaking to me after a while but i don't register what they said.
  • Worried aboit messing up at work and with my family, friends, bf. Cause im messy and forgetful and clumsy and distracted and unorganized.
  • Fam has mental illness. Mom has bed, grandma has bpd, uncle has schizophrenia, sister has depression, im pretty sure theres more but im not close to the rest to know.
  • Self esteem is better now but like it went from -100 to like 0...so idk about that.
  • Impulsive buying of crap i dont need .
  • Im a figeter, leg bouncer, tapper.
  • When i actually do projects i jump around in the tasks. I dont do anything linear. Ill do step 2 then 4 go back to 2 do another random shit for a while come back to 2 again realsise i fucking skipped step 1 and try to finish 4 now forget i forgot 1...
 

Ardentli

Well-Known Member
#4
The way I see it, depression always has a cause, but sometimes the cause has more to do with something physical, and sometimes it has more to do with something emotional.


There's a book about anorexia that you might like to read.
I was always under the impression something was just wrong with my brain. The way i get depressed. Its not from exernal causes and people always ask me if somethibg caused it. Ive gone through tojs of different terrible things and at most they didn't help when i was depressed but they didn't trigger a depressive episode either.

I was anorexic from 19 to 24. Before that i always had very disordered eating and thoughts about food and my body. Ive been a bulimic far longer now. Well im still tech anorexic type two binge/purge type. Ive gotten much better as in not want to be severely emaciated anymore. I was at a very unhealthy weight for a long time. And now though i am still underweight i dont want to be that small anymore. I can also make my self eat certian things easily but yeahh
 

Ardentli

Well-Known Member
#5
Update: so i had my appointment and spoke as best i could because honestly i was terrible at explaining myself. She went through my history, family, school, work. We did a few questionaires and she agreed i may have adhd. And i felt, im not sure; Like a relief. I had this fear that i was overthinking it. That i was making it up. A million things.

She wants me to get blood work and see a doctor. I have both those appointments set up after having not gone in 10 years. I have started adderall 5mg for 2 weeks. Which is right when i will be seeing her again. So far im...honestly idk how to feel. But it deffinetly helps. I actually cleaned my house. I think about wanting or needing to do something and i do it and i was actually able to get through work despite destractions today. And i mean my coworkwer litteraly has a wacky waving ballon guy on her desk now that is loud. Normally when im over welmed i have rage and need to leave to calm down. I was annoyed but i didn't feel like screaming. Its fucking weird.

I think im still scared its not going to qork or last. That this is temporary. That its a lie. That its going too well.
 

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