Therapy for me.

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Ants, Apr 12, 2009.

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  1. Ants

    Ants Well-Known Member

    I think my grasp of reality might be slipping from mt grasp. I do well if i can keep myself occupied, like here, or around my friends, who as you know... have NO idea. Here are o couple of Emails that I sent to my friends... Only 1 "hey man if you need to talk..." Enjoy, I did. Writing is a short term therapy for me.

    Life is as it should be,
    It’s in total disarray,
    Alcohol dulls the pain,
    But it never goes away.

    Life is as it should be,
    My marriage is a bust,
    I spend my time all alone,
    I don’t know who to trust,

    Life is as it should be,
    I drive aimlessly around,
    I don’t want to be with people,
    I don’t want to be found.

    Life is as it should be,
    My music has lost it’s hold,
    Without the rhythm and the rhymes,
    I am left out in the cold.

    Life is as it should be,
    I hope it all will mend,
    Good thing come to those who wait,
    Is it a good thing to reach the…​

    I was a little depressed the other night and decided to write.... you know... therapy. Well here it is. Is it a cry for help? Doesn't really matter because if it is, it is the monster seeking recognition. DON"T DO IT! It's bad enough that I even acknowledge him. I must admit though that after re-reading it there is an element of truth so I am going to try the drowning thing tonight. Ant'ny

    Am I going fucking insane? I’m thinking about it… can you plan it, or do I just let go and accept it? The monster inside of me is very close to the surface. It’s a monster that I have kept caged for most of my life. I have avoided confrontations all of my life because of the monster. He has surfaced just a couple of times in my life and he scares me to death.
    I have been crying some these days. It’s not, nor has it ever been because I am such a sensitive kind of guy. It’s because of the monster. I believe he feeds off of my sorrow. My only other option is to turn him loose, and that thought alone causes me intense sorrow in and of itself because the fucking monster doesn’t fucking care! The only people that would be safe are the people that I love with my heart AND soul, and those are a rare breed.
    Oh I love a lot of people, most people, I like to think, but very few have penetrated the barriers that I have erected throughout my life to reach my soul, those people though are untouchable. I will kill the monster before he would be able to hurt any one of them. Everyone else would be on their own. In most cases there wouldn’t be a cause for concern, but because I am now consciously battling with the evil in me, if the wrong button was pushed even by accident, I don’t believe I would be able to restrain the fucking beast. In fact I might just relish giving him what he wants, someone else’s pain, someone else’s sorrow. I think he wants to give someone else a reason to hate the way he hates. That realization put a smile on my face… he is very close to taking over is my best guess.
    Fuck him! He has to get me first and I will not go quietly. That’s probably one of the reason for this fine piece of literature. Writing has always been a form of therapy for me, that and music. Ahhh! The music, I have noticed my tastes have turned toward the dark side. I am being drawn toward the violent style of the various genres, I am sure you will recognize Fuck ‘em all by Red Café, and let us not forget Limp Bizket.. Lots of intensity. Check out Full Nelson or, perhaps my favorite, Break Stuff. I try to get back to the music that used to motivate me but, as Steppenwolf said so many years ago “There ain’t nothing’ like it used to be.”
    I just realized that I have fed the monster. I put the headphones on to listen to the music I just described and he has mostly gone back into hiding. I say mostly because he no longer goes entirely away these days.
    Fuck! Now I miss his company. When he is near there is at least a sense of companionship, I wonder now if he really wants to be unleashed. Perhaps he is just as confused as I am. I feel as though he wants to hurt someone and that I must hold him back. Possibly he just wants… what… to fucking hurt someone. There is no decency in the bastard, he was just trying to manipulate me, to get me to let my guard down. Do you see the battle that I wage on a consistent basis
    Look I’m going to quit burdening you with my inane imaginings. I’m going to try and drown the evil son of a bitch again with another 12 pack, maybe I need to up the ante to an 18 pack, or maybe I should add a little Jim Beam to the mix. I’m thinking if none of that works soon I’ll see if I can scrounge up a dozen Quaaludes. That, the Jim Beam and beer would surely do the trick.

    A couple of days later​

    Well, well, well.... I do believe I got "him" locked back into confinement. It wasn't the beer, it wasn't the music, it was, I believe, the simple act of holding a crying baby and she quit crying. I'm not sure I can explain it but there ya go... perhaps some things just are.

    Then again... perhaps there is no monster at all and I just needed to vent, and the baby provided a balance to the anger and frustration that is my life at this time. Thanks for puttin up with my temporary insanity. Ant'ny
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Writing can be a good source of therapy when you need to get things out. It still may be necessary to take it one step further if you do not feel better about things. Sometimes we need that outside view to put things in perspective and give us other ways of coping and healing, Thank you for sharing with us. I hope it helps. :hug:
  3. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hey. . . . i am here if you want to talk. . . so you can put ME on your list if you want.

    i am glad you reached out on s.f. for support - and i hope you will lean on us here to get through these hugely tough times. . .

    pm if you want to talk - and big hugs . . . .xxx
  4. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    Thank you for sharing with us.

    Welcome to SF, I hope you find it of some benefit.

    :hug: Claire xx
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Ants,welcome to the forum :)
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