• Please read the thread in Forum News and Announcements pertaining to race related discussion on SF - thank you :)

Therapy round 2

Dark111

SF Supporter
#1
I recently started seeing a therapist again, having been referred by my doc a few weeks back. I haven't quite settled into it yet. I know it's still early days and I've no set expectations but I'm finding myself being hesitant before each session. My moods have been darker than usual since starting this process again but such are the tides of life.

The first time I spoke to a therapist was about 16 years ago. I was given a diagnosis and spent 2 continuous years with a couple of counsellors who specialized in certain types of treatment. They had a very specific, matter-of-fact approach and their primary focus was behavioural. The therapist I'm seeing now is going a different route and using a more psychoanalytical approach. She has my medical history and hasn't turned me away yet, so I'm at least curious to see where it leads.

I found the last two sessions a bit off-kilter. The best way I can describe it was a feeling of being ambushed. I found her framing of certain tendencies as an expression of a 'rage/shame cycle' both interesting and unexpected but I couldn't connect with it on any level and this became a bit irksome. She was quite meticulous too in wanting to know how I experience different emotions, in particular which ones I run toward and which ones I snuff out. She asked shame a couple of times. I got the sense she was looking for something she already suspected & I found my guard going up. By the end of the session I just felt irritated & resentful. I know that's all part of it & I think it makes sense for me to pay attention to whatever was going on there. To be continued, I guess.
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#2
ha, I definitely find myself leaving not a small number of therapy sessions feeling irritated.

Good luck, I hope she's a good fit for you.
 

Dark111

SF Supporter
#6
I guess it's not going well then?
Anything specific or more of the same?
I feel worse now than I've felt in a long kind. And not the good worse, if you know what I mean. I don't really fit with the technique she's using. She's a bit blasé. I know you're supposed to stick with these things but I feel like we're going around in circles and I get the impression she's reaching a little too much. Thanks for asking, btw.
 

Sunspots

Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#7
Yeah, I know we're supposed to stick with it for a while but I also think we can get a pretty quick idea of whether or not we're going to be a good fit to work together.
Maybe you could talk to her and tell her what isn't working for you and why? She can either try to accommodate that and change her technique to fit with you or maybe recommend someone who might fit you better.
 

Walker

Admin-a-monkey
ADMIN
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#9
How many times have you gone? (Some people go every 2 weeks and others go twice a week, right?)
If you're ready to toss it in then there's no harm in telling her how you feel about the techniques she's using. I imagine you have an idea of what works for you and what doesn't at this point.
 

Dark111

SF Supporter
#12
How many times have you gone? (Some people go every 2 weeks and others go twice a week, right?)
If you're ready to toss it in then there's no harm in telling her how you feel about the techniques she's using. I imagine you have an idea of what works for you and what doesn't at this point.
I've been going twice a week and it's not about "tossing" anything in. I'm just thinking aloud and I don't have a clue what works for me. So just forget it, I'm not writing anymore on this. I get that it's completely uninteresting and people have better things to do with their time. I mean I get it, I'm not even human. Case closed.
 

Dark111

SF Supporter
#13
I told her I wasn't really 'getting' what she was was doing in terms of technique and she said she expected I'd feel that way early on. She spent pretty much the rest of the time explaining what she was doing & why. To be honest, I don't know if she's going a bit overboard or if she's onto something but her thinking is that the combination of life progression and certain types of disorders means the same type of treatment on a younger person, barely out of their teens, is not going to work as well on an older person well into their 30s. Different life events & dynamics and a bunch of other blah, blah have a 'transformative' effect. I have to admit she did make some valid points plus I'm not getting that charlatan vibe from her, quite the opposite in fact. But she said it's a lot of hard work and work I'm probably not used to doing. She also reminded me that the reason I contacted her for treatment was to address what I call these 'black moods' that I suddenly descend into and she said something about the wider context of life and having a PD and...I think I drifted off at that point.

She gave me a bunch of stuff to read from psychs/psychol dudes/dudesses. Below is an excerpt from one of them:

"Although some are superficially adapted to their environments and are even popular, they feel they must hide their true nature because it will not be accepted by others. This leaves them with a difficult choice: adapt and participate in an empty, unreal life, or do not adapt and live a lonely life isolated from the social community.....They are known for needing excessive stimulation, but most foolhardy adventures only end in disillusionment due to conflicts with others and unrealistic expectations. Furthermore, many are disheartened by their inability to control their sensation-seeking and are repeatedly confronted with this aspect of themselves. Although they may attempt to change, low fear response and associated inability to learn from experiences lead to repeated negative, frustrating and depressing confrontations, including trouble with the justice system. As they age, they are not able to continue their energy-consuming lifestyle and become burned-out and depressed, while they look back on their restless life full of interpersonal discontent. Their health deteriorates as the effects of their recklessness accumulate."

I left out the part with the 'lonely serial killers', but real hopeful stuff there, eh? I wonder if she's trying to hint at something :) ? I genuinely didn't think I'd have anything else to write about on this but I'm a bit conflicted as to whether I continue with this or not.
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#14
The work of therapy is often hard and uncomfortable, and you can't always 'get' why you're doing it in the moment. So if it seems like she has a plan, and you don't automatically think she's full of it, it might be worth trying.
 

Nick

☆☆Still Ducking Fantastic ☆☆
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#16
I completely missed this thread. I gave therapy another shot and was with my recent therapist for awhile. There were some red flags, but I ignored them because I felt I was getting something out of it. I fired her a month or two ago, I don't really remember now. It became clear that she had a "plan" for my life and wasn't really into me growing into who I needed to be but who she wanted me to be. My point here is sometimes it's just not the best and sometimes it's a good thing.

You can hang out with it for awhile and if you later feel like she's not getting you or not helping you. It sounds like she does actually have a plan and that plan might make some sense. You can always bail later. In many ways I'm glad I at least gave it a shot. I know I did the work and gave it a chance.
 

Dark111

SF Supporter
#17
I completely missed this thread. I gave therapy another shot and was with my recent therapist for awhile. There were some red flags, but I ignored them because I felt I was getting something out of it. I fired her a month or two ago, I don't really remember now. It became clear that she had a "plan" for my life and wasn't really into me growing into who I needed to be but who she wanted me to be. My point here is sometimes it's just not the best and sometimes it's a good thing.

You can hang out with it for awhile and if you later feel like she's not getting you or not helping you. It sounds like she does actually have a plan and that plan might make some sense. You can always bail later. In many ways I'm glad I at least gave it a shot. I know I did the work and gave it a chance.
Hey Nick. Yeah, I hear what you're saying. I think that's the ever-present tug-of-war with many mental health professionals. They see it as their job to make us as 'functional' as possible, mold us as much as possible into well-adjusted productive citizens. And to a certain extent I see the practicality in this approach. They take a sort of engineering approach to it. But where do you draw the line between functional and who you truly are? Maybe that's the trade-off. Maybe to live in some sort of peace, you have to sacrifice some part of yourself and become something else.
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#18
Maybe to live in some sort of peace, you have to sacrifice some part of yourself and become something else.
This part always scares me. I hate change. But if I can imagine some future me who doesn't hate herself, I guess it will have been worth it. We're going to change as we grow anyway in some ways, whether guided by a therapist or not.
 

Dark111

SF Supporter
#19
This part always scares me. I hate change. But if I can imagine some future me who doesn't hate herself, I guess it will have been worth it. We're going to change as we grow anyway in some ways, whether guided by a therapist or not.
I know, isn't it crazy how attached we become to even our crankiest demons? Familiarity, however horrible, is a lot more comforting than uncharted territory.

And yes. Life itself, along with our own good/bad choices, shapes much of our perspective about the world and about ourselves.

Here's an exercise s_s: try choosing not to hate yourself. It'll feel completely surreal, fish-out-of-water type stuff. But try it. Give it 2 days. You can always go back to the old way. But see how just thinking something different feels.
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#20
Here's an exercise s_s: try choosing not to hate yourself. It'll feel completely surreal, fish-out-of-water type stuff. But try it. Give it 2 days. You can always go back to the old way. But see how just thinking something different feels.
It's part of what I'm working on. I don't really know how to think differently though. I can try to catch myself when it's a conscious thought and point myself in a different direction, but ultimately it doesn't feel like a choice - it's such an engrained thing, it's in my gut, the feeling of it.
 

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$510.00
Goal
$255.00
Top