So today, I walk into therapy and it's like i automatically know i'll be upset, I get sooo upset everytime i go to therapy, it sucks. Well today we talked about my ex and my paranoia and depression and she just made me feel REALLY bad about my life in general. Like she made me think of things that i had pushed out of my mind. Like my ex for example, i've mostly gotten rid of her completely. But everytime i go in therapy she gets brought up again. And then of course i start thinking about all that. yay..joy. And then she gets into how paranoid i was before i got dumped and how much worse it is now. Joy. She goes on to ask me what it is that i'm so scared of and compares me to a little kid scared of the monster under their bed. But that's just it, I told her that my problems and fears are real, they're not just a figment of my imagination, other than when i'm paranoid for no reason which also tends to happen a lot..anyways.. She told me that kids are supposed to grow out of it, but i haven't yet. and then she explained to me about how i need to grow up and act my age. yay. She also talked to me about how my bipolarness seems to be getting worse. Joy again. She explained to me quite clearly that it's wrong of me to be so upset when she mentions Derek's name. and if you don't know who that is, long story short i was raped a year ago. ANYWAYS. She mentioned his name coz she knew i went to my mom's house for thanksgiving, and she asked me if i gave him shit while i was there. and she doesn't know i was raped, just knows he touched me, no one knows what actually happened except a select few on here. And really, i just want to cry for the rest of my life with the thoughts that come up in my head. Honestly, it's scaring me shitless, and i keep having random panic attacks. yay, those are sooo fun..not..ugh..I wish there was a magic button in life that was the "make everything ok again button"