It seems like therapy itself is triggering me. Currently I am not doing any trauma work etc., because of other things going on in my life. So its the daily/weekly living thing and whats going on etc. I really wanted to explore my feelings of anger this week and get a hold on it, but time ran out. The last few weeks, after I leave, I fall down deep into a dark hole. I'm thinking on not returning for a while, because I can't handle these downs I experience afterwards. I have figured myself (correct or not) that having someone who appears to care is pushing me to pull away. I'm not currently handling things too well but have been vague about much of this recently. I know I am wasting their time and really my own if I am not honest. I feel now that I don't want to let them down in a way (the therapist) so am putting on a brave face a little. I'm not sure how to deal with a stranger (the therapist) seeming to care. Its always been part of my personality to worry about other's feelings and thoughts and the affect my actions have on them. And while I acknowlege that they are doing their job, we have a good connection I feel. Yet it is one that scares me. Its not a "real" one in many ways and is something new to me. When I need someone, they are not going to be available - thats not how this works. This may not make sense, I'm not able to express eloquently what I want to I feel. Its all a little confusing to me. I'm not sure that not returning is the correct thing for me at this time. I need all the support I can get. Yet if I keep going to negative places each time and we're not doing tough stuff, how can I put myself through that each time? I do not wish to be rude, so would call and explain or similar. I wonder, too, if I am wanting to quit right now as my test to them? To see for sure how invested they really are in me? To show concern and persuade me, in a way, to return. Or will they say - okay. And that second answer is what scares me, its probably the correct answer too. It scares me because it would validate my feelings/questions of the relationship in a way. Yikes - this is all over the place, but - Any thoughts, anyone? Please.....?
how long have you been seeing this therapist? is it possible you are not a good match? what do your gut instincts say? if you are a good match, then you need to face up to the fact that you may be running away. when i want to do that, i have an agreement with my therapist to return and talk it out. we take as long as we need to talk about it. can you agree to spend the next session talking honestly about how you are triggered after therapy, and how long it takes you to recover. that way you can work out strategies, together, on how to do this safely. it will not be news to him that you leave feeling worse than when you arrive. that is pretty common unless you have worked out alternatives.
Thanks Dazzle - I think we have a good connection and I'm pretty comfortable - after six months. They have been very patient and kind with me, very. I think I'll call and leave a message because otherwise next week will come and something else will crop up or I'll not want to discuss and won't mention it. It all seems too silly. But in trying to keep my own equilibrium, I can't handle something thats meant to be helping me, throwing me off balance right now. Thanks again.
Mo..i really understand what you say...therapy has been very triggering for me, more so this week, but as i keep getting reminded...the more we face our triggers the less triggering they become. i too always leave in a bad space and it can take me days to even out. i just think it makes you think about how you feel, and we dont actually want to acknowledge it and that causes conflict as to acknowledge it is scary. also you have so much you want to discuss that doesnt come out in sessions you leave disappointed and that then spirals to the black hole. in a way you are doing therapy, dealing with every day stuff and its not easy. the problem with "testing" them is that it could backfire, they cant force you to therapy its your choice, so if you decide to quit, there is not a lot they can do. even my therapist says i dont have to be there, but i know if i dont go things can only get worse. maybe try one session and insist on discussing your anger feelings straight off, you're paying so you lead the session, write it down and dont get sidetracked...you bring it up...my therapist always asks how i am and how the week has gone and picks up on anything he feels important and tries to discuss it in detail and works my exposure round that. maybe give it one more shot...i know its hard to deal with the triggering, discuss this also...they dont want you to come away feeling like this. you are doing great :hug:
i just think it makes you think about how you feel, and we dont actually want to acknowledge it and that causes conflict as to acknowledge it is scary. also you have so much you want to discuss that doesnt come out in sessions you leave disappointed and that then spirals to the black hole. I think you hit the nail on the head with this above. Thanks, its always good to know its not just "me" experiencing all of this. I have something composed that I'll edit and fine tune and will bring to discuss next week. The damn time goes by sooooooo fast too! Thanks, I am normal, I am normal....heheeeee :thanks: :hug:
What should we expect of them? Everyone has different boundaries etc. But is there a standard of care? I wonder if I expect too much yet I also acknowledge how lucky I am with the t I have. Am I waiting for them to reach out, like lets cut the bs, and reach out? Do I even want that? Am I becoming reliant on them? Perhaps acknowledging that the one thing I look forward to (or dread - depending on the day) is keeping me going week to week and shouldn't that be enough? Why do I feel the need for help, to reach out when its simply really not something I do. Lots of conflicting thoughts. Ugh.
