There are two girls and my broken heart

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Forgotten_Man, Apr 18, 2010.

  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    This might be a little long and confusing.

    So a very recent cause of my depression is the fact that a girl I love very much, lets call her Z, is with another man. The only reason she is with him is because I never came out and made her my girlfriend. So she went to another. She says she wants to explore her feelings for him... however I know her. I know she will not do any real exploring. I want her back, so very badly. I made mistakes over the past couple of years. I just want one last chance to make her happy. She says stuff like, you know how I feel about you or I will probably screw up this relationship anyway. It is like she enjoys stomping on my heart. Being with a guy who will eventually dump her, or saying that I might get another chance another day. The sad thing is I am so very hopeful that this day will come. I want to be with her, I know I can make her happy. I made her happy for 3 years. The only thing I did not give her was a title. Stupid mistake I know. I make no excuses any more, it was just me being stupid and not thinking.

    To make things worse Z has not really changed our relationship all that much. The only thing we don't do any more is kiss and engage in intercourse. Otherwise she is just as affectionate as she ever was with me. She will randomly try to get my attention with hugs and snuggles. Then she will go off and flaunt her relationship in my face when her new man calls. It has been months since I had Z completely to myself. She always calls this guy right back when she gets a call. Yet for me she maybe calls me back 3 or 4 days later. To make things even worse when I open up to her, she cries. She cries like I just broke her heart. She tells me that it is because she knows I mean what I say, and that she still has some feelings for me. Yet she won't come back to me.

    Enter in girl number 2, lets call her Y. Y is a very sweet and loving girl. I really like Y, and am trying to pursue something with her. Well I think I am, I have never been very good with knowing what females want or how to show them my interest. However, there are my feelings for Z that come into play. I am scared to do anything with Y, despite how much I am coming to like her. I just met Y, and I feel a good connection.

    Now here is my problem, I want to be with Z more than I want to be with Y. However, I do not want to pass up a chance to be with Y. I do not want to pass up a chance with the only other girl who has ever shown an interest in me. However, I cannot help but feel like I am using Y. I know that right now if Z became available I would dump Y once Z was ready to be with me. I also know that I am scared of losing Z forever, if I pursue Y. Z will just write me off as never wanting to have been with her in the first place. Then she won't give me a second chance. It is also not fair to Y for me to be with her as long as Z is not available.

    Then there are my true feelings about Y. I really like her and want to get closer to her. However, part of me cannot help but feel I want to replace the intimate physical relationship I had with Z. I am scared that everything I am feeling is driven by my libido and not my heart. Granted I feel that the two have to be connected. Still I don't want Y to think I am only into her for one reason.

    I am very confused about what I should do. I know I cannot escape this without losing something and hurting someone. I am just confused as to what to do.. as to what my heart is telling me. Can anyone give me some insight or personal experience? My heart is being torn apart because I do not know what to do... I don't know anything... thanks.
  2. Datura

    Datura Well-Known Member

    Do you think continuing this friendship with Z is beneficial to either of you? Because you seem hurt more than anything, and she gets emotional when you open up.

    It's quite evident that Z is taking you for a ride. If she really wanted something, you two would be in a relationship. She knows that you're interested, and have seen the error (in your mind) of your ways, yes? If so, she clearly has no desire to return your feelings.

    Consider excising her, if only temporarily, then go from there.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 18, 2010
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I want to believe that Z is still my friend. I cannot just let her go. Not just because of my feelings for her, but because she pulled me out of a very dark place. If not for her I would not be here.

    I guess I left out my entire backstory with Z. For 3 years we were basically a couple. I just never said she was my girlfriend. She asked a few times, and for some reason I said no. I can come up with a 1000 excuses as to why the point is I said no. It was only until she might not be there that I really thought about my feelings for her. I know they were always there. I was just never actually open with them. I tried to find different venues to show them to her. However, without the title of girlfriend on her chest my feelings fell on deaf ears.

    Excise... I am not sure what you mean by that. Just cut her off for a while?
  4. jenniferelaine

    jenniferelaine Well-Known Member

    Do I know you, and do you REALLY live where your profile says you do?

    I'm attempting to cope with kind-of the same situation, except I was the non-girlfriend. A bunch of backstory, complications, blah, blah, blah, and here I am!

    I'm going to disagree with Datura. I don't think Z is taking you for a ride. To some people, actions AND words are important (because saying something is an action, isn't it?). I think that maybe, after three years, Z just got tired of putting in the effort into something where she didn't see how she was benefitting. She took charge of her happiness. If I were a stronger person, it is what I would have done.
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Ha ha yeah I do live where my profile says. I can narrow it down for you in a PM.

    In my defense it is not that I did not treat Z like a girlfriend. I was, her boyfriend, just not in title.
  6. Datura

    Datura Well-Known Member


    If you are dead set in keeping her as a friend, do not read further --
    She got you out of a dark place, and it's understandable you want to keep her as a friend. Without knowing the details, sometimes you have to do what's best for you. Think about the benefits of this friendship, how much you're gaining from it. Weighing the pros and cons might even be a good way to determine what the best course of action is.

    The present is what you should be concerned with more than the happenings of the past (in regard to her helping you).
  7. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    The problem is that I think I am in a lose lose situation. If I excise Z, then I may lose her forever. If I don't then I am going to be doomed to a perpetual jealousy.
    However if I don't pursue Y I will lose my chance with her. Or I will really hurt her. I just don't see myself coming out of this without losing some major.

    Your advice is sound though. I need to think about the present. I just don't know what I want at the present.
  8. Reki

    Reki Well-Known Member

    Girl Z knows that you aren't over her and she's milking every drop out of that that she can. I understand that you love her, spent a lot of time with her and just can't throw all of that away but actions speak louder than words and right now her actions are not flattering her. I don't think there is a winning situation where you get girl Z back and don't hurt girl Y's feelings. Girl Z, no offense, is being a bitch. She is the reason you are confused and you need to shut her out for a little while so you can think clearly.

    Long story short: Date girl Y and get over girl Z.
  9. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @Reki: Well my self-esteem is at an all time low. So I don't think that Y will want to date me. Chances are I have been giving her the wrong impression, like I only want to be her friend. Then again I could not tell if a girl wants to date me. So if you have any advice in that area I am all ears.

    Sorry really low self-esteem. It makes me hope for Z will come back.:i'm sorry:
  10. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Well Y has closed off the door of dating for now. Back to obsessing over Z.