There is no-one to blame but me.

I have hurt myself again today.. i thought i had everything maped out again i thought id found my way of moving on with my life... but that wasnt to be the answer.. i havent been on here for along time... i really thought i was going to make it... i really thought i was ready.. but im not... i thought id let go of everything that man did to me...

But its not gone.. its back.. and i have no-one to blame but myself... i let myself go on this way.. i made the choices i made... i let him live on through me... i inflicted the damnage on myself... its my fault i am the way i am.. he died 6 years ago... Yet he still hurts me on a day to day basis... how is that even possible? other than the fact the memories of him are hounding me.. and im letting them hurt me..

My family don't want to know... i feel all alone.. i just want to go home.. but thats never going to happen.. they would never understand.. they would never see things my side... they never want to see me anymore... my parents are right.. i was a mistake.. im deluded to say the things i did about Brad.. and im a lier... truth be told.. i needed my mother more than i needed anyone... she'll never forgive me for the hurt i caused her.. and i understand that.. but is it so wrong to want to be loved? is it wrong to want my family? every christmas birthday... family times...


I was standing on the top of the beach clif a few days ago... the view was beautiful... but i only ever saw my exit... i could have easily let myself go... fall into that water and know it was all over... i would have paid the right price for everything i have done...
I looked a mess.. my hair was soaked and all over the place my make-up running down my face from both crying and from the rain...my jeans being soaked right through to my underwear.. and my top nearly see though with a red and back hoody... that was just obsourbing more water as it bucketed down with rain... i wasnt cold.. i couldnt feel anything apart from the glow of knowing it would have been over.. i wouldnt hurt anymore... i wouldnt need to fake anymore.. i wouldnt need to hurt... and everyone would have felt the relief of me being gone...

truth be told... i don't know why i didnt... i guess it was because there a guy.. watching me from him car.. he must have known what i was thinking.. because he wouldnt leave...

 

Glad you are here and decided to share with us...it takes so much time and work to make such an horrific event become the background of one's life...all of us have times when we fall back...that is just the cycle of things...hope you continue to seek support and know that you are worth ppl's time and caring...J

 

Thanks sadeyes. i sometimes don't know how i didnt do it..

i guess it all come down at once.. i got kicked off of my nursing course.. so thats finally over and is never going to happen..

 

it's not wrong to be loved. it's a survival instinct after all.
how come nursing didn't turn out?
keep writing

 

I'm glad you didn't jump.. We've never talked but I have read your posts and replies to others.. Just know you are cared for here at the forum.. When you are down find one of us and talk to us.. Your not alone we're here..

 

Thank God you didn't jump. You need to get help before it is too late. :hug:

 

Have you ever heard the saying, "The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men". Things will never go the way you want them too. However, that does not mean you are not stilling heading to your destination. It just means that you have to take a detour along the way. However, in the end you will land in the same place. I know how hard it is to stay on course. I know when adversity hits it is hard to keep going. However, if we only lie on the ground when we fall down. We will never get to where we want to go.

I am rooting for you friend. Lets make it to our destination. You are not alone in this journey.

 

it's not your fault...you are not to blame...I know on some level you believe that...remind yourself it's not your fault...keep reminding yourself when things are bad...somehow it makes things feel better...