I just don't feel that there is any point to me being alive. I'm not helping anyone, all I'm doing is making the people who care about me miserable, they have to suffer through watching me like this. I didn't choose to be alive, shouldn't it be my choice to take it away? Why am I made to feel so guilty over talking what is essentially mine? Especially when here I am only causing hurt, to other people and to myself. I am cutting myself almost everyday now. I don't know why, it doesn't even really help anymore, but it takes my mind of suicide for a little while. I wrote a list. A list of different ways to kill myself, and the pros and cons for each. I add to it every time I think of something new. Some of the best options aren't practical for me, but there are plenty that would work. I think about almost all the time, when and where I would do, how I would do it. I try not to think of the after, not for me, that doesn't concern me, but about how it will affect my family. I can't hold down a job, even though I work so, so hard. I can't hold down a relationship, it had been years since I've even tried one, and I scare away everyone who gets close to me. I'm so scared. I'm scared that I will kill myself, because of what it might do to my family. I'm scared that I won't kill myself, because what do I do then? I'm scared that I have pushed all my friends so far away that they don't even care anymore, and whatever I do, it will be too late to salvage the friendships. And I'm scared that if I don't kill myself, or if I try and fail, I'll wake up with no one, no one at all, as they'll have seen though me into what a useless fuck up I really am and won't want to be friends with me anyway.