There is no point to my life and I'm so scared...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jessiebelle, Jul 13, 2011.

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  1. jessiebelle

    jessiebelle Member

    I just don't feel that there is any point to me being alive. I'm not helping anyone, all I'm doing is making the people who care about me miserable, they have to suffer through watching me like this. I didn't choose to be alive, shouldn't it be my choice to take it away? Why am I made to feel so guilty over talking what is essentially mine? Especially when here I am only causing hurt, to other people and to myself. I am cutting myself almost everyday now. I don't know why, it doesn't even really help anymore, but it takes my mind of suicide for a little while. I wrote a list. A list of different ways to kill myself, and the pros and cons for each. I add to it every time I think of something new. Some of the best options aren't practical for me, but there are plenty that would work. I think about almost all the time, when and where I would do, how I would do it. I try not to think of the after, not for me, that doesn't concern me, but about how it will affect my family. I can't hold down a job, even though I work so, so hard. I can't hold down a relationship, it had been years since I've even tried one, and I scare away everyone who gets close to me.

    I'm so scared. I'm scared that I will kill myself, because of what it might do to my family. I'm scared that I won't kill myself, because what do I do then? I'm scared that I have pushed all my friends so far away that they don't even care anymore, and whatever I do, it will be too late to salvage the friendships. And I'm scared that if I don't kill myself, or if I try and fail, I'll wake up with no one, no one at all, as they'll have seen though me into what a useless fuck up I really am and won't want to be friends with me anyway.
  2. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    i am also consumed by fear.
  3. FamilyGuyFan1986

    FamilyGuyFan1986 Active Member

    Wait just a minute. Ball up that pros and Cons suicide list, then make you a new list called, "Things In My Life That Need Fixing." Will everything on that list be easy to fix? Most likely not. That's the thing which should keep you going for a bit. Make it a game. The more things on that list you fix or make better, the more confident you'll get. Start with something easy and work your way up. You and your life will start seeing a differance. People will look at you differen't and who knows, you might even change a few lives.
  4. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    jessiebelle - your family I am sure would be heartbroken if you were to do anything to yourself. I am sure they hate to see you unhappy and depressed - but they would sooner see you get well again and end your suffering that way. This would leave you alive and like a lot of people in life - you can rebuild your life on more sure foundations.

    When depressed at our worse point we might think those close to us might 'get over' our death more easily because we were in pain. But in reality those left behind would be absolutely shattered. The closest to you would wish they could trade their lives - and if you are still close to parents or have brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts and maybe grandmothers and grandfathers - they would NEVER feel that same about life again. A pain would be left for them to carry - almost as if all your pain were simply passed onto others. Your loved ones would be the ones to carry this pain - friends also. Even strangers - I guess some of us read about a suicide and for sure it lowers our spirits.

    Its possible someone else in the world - might read something about you online - and that would be the straw that broke the camels back.

    But you have to get help! This cutting is like a sign in neon lights saying that you want help. Part of you (the depression) says you do not need help and can never be helped. But trust me - millions of younger people cut themselves, there are varied reasons but its all based on being depressed.

    Sometimes depression is the outcome of something else. Younger people can be bullied - abused, just suffer from the stress of all this competition over exams and getting your life together.

    It is a stressful time - but there is stress and there is depression. You have both - you need help and should NEVER be ashamed to ask for it.

    The choice are clear - continue to suffer this awful illness alone and get worse - or come out to other people (like gay people coming out - depressed people can maybe find letting that secret out to a few people is a relief in itself)

    So tell someone close - be careful who you tell as sometimes people may be young and immature and choose to laugh and mock. But tell someone you trust and keep talking. Does not matter much what you talk about - just talk to people more and let the secret out.

    A doctor would treat you ASAP - counsellor and therapy - maybe bring out the anti depressants also - in fact, its well worth a try IF you are suicidal or self harming. you need proper therapy or counselling whilst you are on these meds. Maybe twice a week - depending on how you are.

    And hey! I know you are down right now - but life will get better and many young girls have faced what you face but are now young women, some married, with children, others working and making a success in life!

    You got a lot to live for - but with depression we cannot see past the darkness of our minds sometimes. We have no optimism - but even so we know in our hearts that good and bad happens - there is a balance in life and who endures pain and is low of spirits now - can find things shift - events happen, connections are made - and life can be a beautiful thing after all!

    It starts with practical things. A first foot out of the door on a quest to be happy will be a mundane journey to a doctors. A wait in a garish surgery with the posters informing to stop smoking, stop drinking, stop eating too much, no chocolate - no sex! STFU and other posters!

    There we sit and wait - the name or number gets called out (some doc surgeries give you a number at reception which gets called out along with the number of the doctors door. In you will go - in we have been - and THAT first journey, boring as it seems - you got to do it.

    From there, in the UK at least, we get options. Right now your options are very bad ones - negatives, terrible things! But you can grab these other options and take it from there.

    Once you know you are putting up a fight - you will feel better in yourself. Takes messing about to get meds to settle but whilst you wait at least you have DONE something.

    And tell some loved ones - plus come here and tell us about progress. We have some great success stories here and many to come!

    YOU can one of those success stories.

    So, take the help - tell people - and do not keep it all in!

    Thanks for reading - I really hope some of this helped. Guess if you type enough - even a monkey would eventually hit the right keys and make sense.

    So, I'm off for a swing in the trees and to eat a banana.

    Seriously though - please get that help.

    Yours, deepest sympathy and regards

    From the heart for sure.
  5. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Hi Jessica. How are you doing? Are you getting any help - meds, counselling, psych nurse?
    I know it's hard to ask for help but you've starts that process by coming here. We've all felt that low but also recognise that we do want to live - we want the pain to stop.
    Keep posting and keep living xxx
  6. m489332

    m489332 Member


    please get help. Peavelovingguy is right. The cutting is a cry for help. Don't ignore it. Get on meds if suicidal, but get a therapist to work with you (not just meds and nothing else).

    It sounds like you have gotten into a bit of a rough spot in life, but thats all it is. Everyone reacts differently to it, some get depressed (I have that tendency sometimes).

    Your family would miss you immensely - the hole you leave in their hearts will be impossible for them to fill. Its difficult to describe how much harder it will be for them if you end your life. It will not make them happier.

    Please get help, okay?
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