I have reached a point where I realise I am just surviving to survive, While questioning why. I don't know how to rekindle passion I just don't have. I don't know how to rekindle hope when medical science is against me and the state of my existence is so painful and isolating, hope itself seems delusional. Quality of life slips further. I don't know what I am doing any more.
Life just feels like distracting, one distraction technique after another. If my existence is going to be reduced to distraction and pain why even stay? I am essentially distracting from life, may as well be dead then because this is not living. There is nothing meaningful in what is passing for existence these days. Death seems preferable because at least all the struggle becomes moot. Especially when the future just has further certainty of decline. What am I staying for other than for the sake of my loved ones? Loved ones who are viewing me more and more as a sick thing and not what I once was. Loved ones I am constantly cancelling on. Watching their lives play out across Facebook and I am not even part of it. I have lost so much of myself.
I don't go into nature any more. Nature documentaries are a poor substitute. I miss seeing the birds of Prey. Going down or up the stairs feels like a trek up Everest. I don't write any more. The concentration is barely there. Even writing this is a horrorfest of grammatical failures I can't be bothered to fix. It is all proof of the decline, can't even do sudoku these days. Can't swim, or walk along the lake without paying for it later. What am I then but a husk, confined to a to a room and a screen?
I feel dead already while pretending to be alive for the sake of others so as not to cause concern. My body has just not got the message and this isn't a terminal state either but it is a declining one. I just can't handle that as I have lost so much of myself already. Distractions are failing one by one. It is hard to distract if I can't even think.
I see nothing positive ahead. A fact underscored by losing more care hours when I have actually got sicker. I don't have the energy to fight stupid bureaucratic systems that don't give a shit if my vomit is going crusty on the carpet.
I don't want to struggle any more. Although I very much love people in my life. But it is not enough to stay for them any more I want this over and I can see no reason to endure the natural lifespan ahead of me just to spare others pain. Especially when my meaning of life was positive experiences shared.
What possible logic can anyone provide me with that isn't meaningless sentiment at this point? People don't stay in burning buildings. Life feels like that and there is no fire brigade for me. There is no way to tolerate this fire either. Even my own psychiatrist has told me to focus on quality of life concerns.
I am fed up of tasting my own vomit. Fed up of losing days to netflix and barely remembering what I watched in the first place. Fed up of the weariness that is robbing me of being functional to the point I may as well not exist any more. Just fed up in general. How do I rekindle anything positive? I feel like I have reached my threshold of what I can endure. Prior mental health issues was bad enough but physical health in decline has just poured petrol on an already burning house. Vicariously living through screens is just not good enough and I can't delude myself that it is. I miss so much and I can't stand it. Boredom is also a strange sort of pain that is rarely considered with any weight of focus.
Not sure why I am bothering to write or what I even want from this pointless outpouring of self-pity. I don't have much expectation any more amidst the sea of noise of people in similar pain. I feel like I just need to get on with hastening my end, so the fire can't touch me and all struggle ends. But to do so would be devastating to my loved ones. But staying is devastating to me.
Life just feels like distracting, one distraction technique after another. If my existence is going to be reduced to distraction and pain why even stay? I am essentially distracting from life, may as well be dead then because this is not living. There is nothing meaningful in what is passing for existence these days. Death seems preferable because at least all the struggle becomes moot. Especially when the future just has further certainty of decline. What am I staying for other than for the sake of my loved ones? Loved ones who are viewing me more and more as a sick thing and not what I once was. Loved ones I am constantly cancelling on. Watching their lives play out across Facebook and I am not even part of it. I have lost so much of myself.
I don't go into nature any more. Nature documentaries are a poor substitute. I miss seeing the birds of Prey. Going down or up the stairs feels like a trek up Everest. I don't write any more. The concentration is barely there. Even writing this is a horrorfest of grammatical failures I can't be bothered to fix. It is all proof of the decline, can't even do sudoku these days. Can't swim, or walk along the lake without paying for it later. What am I then but a husk, confined to a to a room and a screen?
I feel dead already while pretending to be alive for the sake of others so as not to cause concern. My body has just not got the message and this isn't a terminal state either but it is a declining one. I just can't handle that as I have lost so much of myself already. Distractions are failing one by one. It is hard to distract if I can't even think.
I see nothing positive ahead. A fact underscored by losing more care hours when I have actually got sicker. I don't have the energy to fight stupid bureaucratic systems that don't give a shit if my vomit is going crusty on the carpet.
I don't want to struggle any more. Although I very much love people in my life. But it is not enough to stay for them any more I want this over and I can see no reason to endure the natural lifespan ahead of me just to spare others pain. Especially when my meaning of life was positive experiences shared.
What possible logic can anyone provide me with that isn't meaningless sentiment at this point? People don't stay in burning buildings. Life feels like that and there is no fire brigade for me. There is no way to tolerate this fire either. Even my own psychiatrist has told me to focus on quality of life concerns.
I am fed up of tasting my own vomit. Fed up of losing days to netflix and barely remembering what I watched in the first place. Fed up of the weariness that is robbing me of being functional to the point I may as well not exist any more. Just fed up in general. How do I rekindle anything positive? I feel like I have reached my threshold of what I can endure. Prior mental health issues was bad enough but physical health in decline has just poured petrol on an already burning house. Vicariously living through screens is just not good enough and I can't delude myself that it is. I miss so much and I can't stand it. Boredom is also a strange sort of pain that is rarely considered with any weight of focus.
Not sure why I am bothering to write or what I even want from this pointless outpouring of self-pity. I don't have much expectation any more amidst the sea of noise of people in similar pain. I feel like I just need to get on with hastening my end, so the fire can't touch me and all struggle ends. But to do so would be devastating to my loved ones. But staying is devastating to me.
