There is no way out of this Prison

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Multiple Man, Mar 24, 2015.

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  1. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Have you ever had that feeling when you wake up? Before your feet even hit the floor. Just that great swell of agony and overwhelming grief and sadness. Because you know. I know. This is it. Its over. Its over for me. And the rest of my life is basically reduced to me mourning my death. I just didnt realize I died 20 years ago. When my mind was fractured into a billion pieces. The sun creeping from the blinds hurts your eyes cos you dont go out much. This is my prison. A small room. I just feel it. More of me dying, each day. Pieces of a man turning into dust. I used to be a man. I used to be able to feel.

    There is so much out there to live for. Imagine being a prisoner looking outside, seeing all the wonders of the world. But your not actually in a physical prison. Your in a mental one. Even worse. And ive been pulling and shaking the bars and banging my head against wall and theres just no way out. There just isnt. Looking outside is what hurts most. It hurts so bad. I cant be one of them. A normal free human being that can live, thrive, socialize, love, work, have a family and be happy. I just sit with my chin on the window in tears. "Oh look at them holding hands, look at them kissing, look at the children playing, look at the beautiful places ill never see. It hurts. You only have one life. And this is it. This hell. I cant stop looking out of the mirror. Even it causes so much pain. I would trade eternity to be like them for one day.

    My nerves are constantly on fire and its like an alarm going off and my mind is racing and im engulfed in this feeling of terror and sadness and it doesn't go away until it decides. I cant take a pill, I cant sleep it off, I cant drink it away, its there until it decides to let me go. I feel like its a separate entity. I cant control it. I want to kill it. I hate you. You raped me. You took my life, you took everything.

    Theres no hope. Not for me. It only gets worse. I get older. Sicker. More unstable. And whatever is left dies. Its unbearable.

    Heres the creepy part.... I day dream alot. I pretend im a handsome guy but im like a humanitarian that tries to help the sick and poor. I have a beautiful girlfriend. I imagine i have a family that loves me, and children. My own home. I hold my pillow as if it were a woman. Just trying to imagine what it would be like to hold someone in your arms. To hear her breathing, her warmth, her heartbeat. Ill never know. It must be one of the greatest feelings in the world. I just have a pillow. Thats it. Thats my companion. A pillow. You cant treat loneliness. If your ugly, unattractive, unlovable, poor, and socially inept as I am. Theres really nothing you can do about it. Just bad genes and human nature. I walk around like I have scars on my face. No, its just my face.

    Its started with the kids at school. They knew. They all made fun of me. They can be so viscous cos their young minds have no concept of how it affects you. Then you get older and they start beating you, slapping you, dumping your head in toilets, and everyone laughs. Why do you all hate me so much. God made me this way. Please dont hurt me. I just want to be friends. What did I do to deserve this. When I was 11 I was molested by a gay male teacher on 3 different occasions. A vulture always comes to pick the bones. I was so traumatized by all the other abuse I couldnt even comprehend what he was doing. For once I wasnt being beaten or hurt, he was being nice and caring. But it felt wrong and I ran away. He said if I told anyone he would fail me. So I didnt. I was shot in my lower leg when i was about 14. Dont know who didnt it, or where it came from. And I somehow limped home relatively not it that much pain until i looked down and saw a hole in my leg the size of a quarter. I dont know what was worse, the mental abuse or the physical. Was this a school or a juvenile prison? It was a poor school and i learned nothing except how to hate everything about myself.

    The world doesnt lie to you. If you are nothing it will show you. It will reject you and spit you out. I have nothing to offer the world. And the world has nothing to offer me. All I know is pain and suffering. What is really the case anyone can make to go on. I just hear people saying, hang in there, be strong, keep going, things will change. Its been 20 years, its never changed. When you have been pushing something with all your strength for 20 years and it doesnt move, what make me think things will change. I mean why? Hang in there for what? Keep going where? No where? Clinging to a meaningless life. Being in a world I hate. Inside a person I hate. Inside a body I hate. Living a life I intensely hate. I wish I had a choice. I wish my parents never met. I wish God cared. But I know why I was made this way. The same way you cant have good without evil. You cant have beautiful normal people without the sick ugly ones.

    Now after spending 20 years suffering from depression and all my life with anxiety, I now have been living with gastroparesis for the last 3 years. Talking about kicking a man while hes down. I will have to either be on a feeding tube, have a gastric pacemaker, or they will have to cut half of my stomach off. Sounds fun. So tell me why I should, keep going, keep living, be strong, get help? I have a fundamental disagreement with God about my life. Its not special. Im not thankful to just wake up and exist. Infact the opposite. You can take my life, my soul, everything and shove it. "keep holding on, theres hope." Yeah, there is hope. I hope I die soon.

    Actually just a small part of me want to just hang around for a moment. Just incase the world burns around me. Because I long to look out of my prison window and watch all of the beautiful normal people start to get older and sicker and suffer. I want to see the rich become poor. I want to see the beautiful become ugly. I want to see misery. I want to grab a bag of popcorn and watch all of you that tormented and abused me and lived such a easy life, finally succumb to the inevitability that no matter who you are, you will get sick like me, you will grow old like me, you will become me, and you will die like me. The only difference is dying will be difficult for you cos you want so desperately to live, it wont be for me cos I want so desperately to die. Look at what ive become.... this bitter, anger, sad excuse for a human being. Thats what suffering does to you.. It turns your heart black.

    Reaper why wont you come for me. I need you now. Take me home. So I can rest in peace.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry that the world did this to you and no matter what you think or what thoughts they put in your head you are IMPORTANT and you do matter It is hard to see the world just keep moving on and you feel like you are standing in this dark hole i get that and i am sorry you are so alone. I hope coming here helps you feel not so alone. I found it help me to just let go of some of the thoughts here.

    The only darkness i see when i read your post is the darkness that is inside the beings that harmed you Not the same i know but sending you hugs ok
  3. AAA3330

    AAA3330 Well-Known Member

    I feel like a prisoner in my mind. I'm not sure if it's because my brain may be damaged or what. I just can't be the person that I used to be and it really sucks.
  4. Bruces

    Bruces Well-Known Member

    Yep it's a mental prison I know the feeling and I also daydream about been a normal person.
  5. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Its true though..... I mean its sad, yes. But my thoughts, beliefs, and feelings are true. Its the sad truth. My life does have meaning. Just not the kind I want. Its like a counter balance. I have to suffer so someone else somewhere can live in euphoria. I have to be sick, so someone else can be healthy. I have to be ugly, so the world can know what beauty is and isnt. I have to be alone so others dont take for granted being together. I may even be inspirational. Because when people see me, they will promise themselves never to become me.
  6. ramicule

    ramicule Member

    I can relate to so much you say and the way to say it I could cry. To the lifelong anxiety and feeling ugly to the daydreaming of a better life and the anger. I am over anger now, it's one of the last life sparks that extinguished in me. My body betrayed me and could never facilitate a life i wanted, or even just a life that is reasonable, with loving companionship, one without constant anguish and fear. After the pain of my life, my final hope is the same as yours. At least unlike all my other hopes, this one will come, but I am afraid of all the time left before it is finally realized.
  7. ramicule

    ramicule Member

    the way you write shows you are a thoughtful and smart person. with your understanding and what you've gone through, you are pretty uniquely situated to understand profoundly all the suffering creatures on this earth.

    unfortunately this means you can also deeply and feel your own pain to the point its crippling, to the point it twists your own personality to something grotesque. I wish God, the universe, the grand scheme gave you a body that was congruent to your mind, so that you could have flourished, love, be loved and help others flourish. Just from your text, i believe if you had the right circumstance you'd be greater than the humanitarian you fantasize yourself to be: you'd be an angel on earth. It's so wrong, though, so fucked up, so incomprehensible and pointless, inefficient you were stricken with this fucked up flesh. It is a million insults to your devastatingly compassionate and understanding mind, a mind i recognize for that even just through some short text you wrote down. I am so sad that your heart is black now. But i understand the day by day process, the heart breaking daily blows that brought it about.
  8. perks16

    perks16 Member

    i know what you feel . but don't loose hope. just hang in there and stay positive.
  9. Koji

    Koji Well-Known Member

    I can relate to much of what you are saying. I feel like i've been dead for 14 years. But i don't believe there's any purpose to my suffering. Maybe there is, maybe there isn't. I have no way of knowing, so i don't see the point in believing either way. Like you, i just want it to go away.
  10. shane33401

    shane33401 Member

    muliple man Don't worry its i went through a bad life too and i also feel like its over for me but your is abit worse then mine but i still know how it feels to be suicidal i'm sorry you feel that way i really am i wish you lived near me or in the same country so i could speak to you so that you could have someone to talk to and maby i could help you or give you some advise in some way but maby you have been chosen to help other people with there problems maby you can help them share you experiences with them and change there life or save there life even though you feel the way you do and trust me i know how you feel i would not be saying this if i didn't but hold on strive to be positive make a effort to go outside socialize and maby you will find good people like me and you and that are not negative but gives you a positive outlook in your life stay away from the negativity it can consume you and cause endless pain like what it did to me first thing you have to do cut out the negativity stop it from feeding on you cut out the supply meaning the people that produce it into your life secondly try and make a effort to find the help you need it does not have to be professional help but it could even be people like me that went through the same thing or worse and that has recovered or recovering please don't give up i havnt and if you read my other post you will realize that i also didnt have a easy life growing up and still dont and my life also seems like its over but if you have the smallest of hope thats all you need to push forward stop waiting nothing is ever gonna come by waiting behind a window i know how you feel but i am simply tryna help you recover i dont want you life to end you are beutiful you are a caring person so because of that you are more beutiful then people with all the negativity and bad vibes and bad harts you are awesome and don't ever forget it make a effort make goals try and achieve them i learned now that god does exist cause iv seen him work mircals in my life dont give up god will help you if he can see that you are willing to help your self remember pain only makes you stronger so gather that strength and fight show all the people that you can make it i don't want you to hurt your self please one last try please and i will pray for you aswell please stay safe and keep fighting god loves you and so do i and any time you wana message me for advise or anything im willing to help where i can my email is remember you are very special
  11. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Addressing all of the previous replies.... I wish I didnt have such an awareness. Some people live so obliviously carefree. I feel... everything. Unfiltered and raw. Full force and constant. Unless I heavily sedate myself there is very little I can do in terms of relief. Imagine a man being tortured in a prison for years.... even if he is freed he isnt coming out the same man. I can feel myself becoming darker. But, theyre only thoughts. I couldnt hurt a fly. But I would have thoughts of if getting caught in a spiderweb and imagining its wings and legs being ripped off and watching it die. Well cos... misery loves company. Cos im caught in a spiderweb. And ive had my life ripped away from me. People always say, hey just think about the fact there are people worse off than you. That really doesnt help. Cos we each experience our own version of hell. And i want them to help all of them escape this hell. I only want to see the people better off than me drag into hell with me. I know... I sound like such a morbid, pathetic, envious loser. And I am. Hey... I had a heart once. I had compassion. I could feel. I helped people. I gave so much of myself. But all I got out of it was being hurt, used, and stabbed in the back. How ironic, i majored in Psychology in college before I dropped out. I wanted to be a mental health professional. It would be funny if it wasnt so sad.

    Im not sure what advice you could give. Your a very kind person. And I thank you and everyone here for their comments and encouragement. I want you all to keep doing all you can to help others..... help, others. I wish...... I wish i had more to give. I see alot of people here in so much pain and I just dont know what to say. I have no answers and telling them something cliche would feel like patronizing them. As someone once told me sometimes you cant help you can only witness. I cant be positive. I cant think positive. I dont have control. Thats the issues. I dont have the ability to feel positive or hopeful. This condition hijacks your mind. Creates the fun house mirror in my brain. Everything I think and feel is irrational. You are so much stronger than I am. I am genuinely glad for you that your able to recover. It was not too late for you and you found a way. Whether it is your belief in God or your own willpower, keep doing what your doing. I dont know about God. I dont believe in miracles. I believe in people who do miraculous things. If God loves me, he has a strange way of showing it.
  12. Nancy

    Nancy Banned Member

    God bless you. I understand your pain, but I did not give up hope, I tried a lot of ways, I feel good now.
  13. Tjh

    Tjh Active Member

    I feel like i am already dead too. When I look in the mirror a lot of the time my face is slack and my eyes are blank. I can see the hopelessness in my eyes. It's terrible. It has taken a very long time to get to this point, I've let my depression fester for so long, too long, some days I feel like I'll never get better, then some days I feel that maybe there's hope. But i don't want to be stuck in between forever, it's tiring. It's emotionally draining.
  14. Vaughan

    Vaughan Well-Known Member

    I want to address one line: "Some people live so obliviously carefree."

    You know, I don't think this is true. To one extent or another we're all ducks on the pond - above the surface we look calm and serene, but under the water they're paddling like crazy.

    Worries come in all shapes and sizes: Money troubles, relationship troubles, questioning ones faith and beliefs, tragedy, deaths, missed opportunities, regret, people going to jobs they hate to work with people they hate, some dependency or other (alcohol, street drugs), and on and on. These are all things that affect those people you may think are living carefree.

    What I'm saying is, there is no perfection out there, just varied degrees of happiness. I've never met a single person - ever - who'd claim to be 100% happy. There's always something there.

    In other words, don't worry so much about perfection, or even a trouble-free life. I don't think anyone has found that yet.

    Do you have a diagnosis of what is wrong? Are you seeing professionals to help with your problems? That can be the first step on opening the doors a little more so you can squeeze through into the light.

    As others have said, we're here.
  15. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    There are people who live very much carefree. I know a lot of them. Who have it all, is told they are the greatest thing since slice bread, has had their ego's inflated since birth, born with silver spoons in their mouths, given(not earned) every opportunity in life to be successful and have love and companionship. You would have to intentionally implode your own self to not get by. The ONLY thing they cannot escape is death. Death of their parents, their siblings, their pets, bf/gf or their husband/wives and themselves. Cos nothing lives forever, not even the stars.

    There is no perfection of course. No one has a perfect life. But many have very happy and fruitful lives where they are living their dreams, beyond their dreams, almost fairy tale like lives. And I and many here are living our very worse nightmares.
  16. Bruces

    Bruces Well-Known Member

    Yep I agree except I don't call it living it's an existance to me and a very miserable one at that,I take comfort in knowing life is only temporary and I'll try to shorten it as much as possible,funny the hands that you are dealt eh?!!
  17. ramicule

    ramicule Member

    Everyone deserves to live reasonably carefree. No one deserves constant hellish fear
  18. Tjh

    Tjh Active Member

    I agree with this comment completely.
  19. kangaroo2

    kangaroo2 Well-Known Member

    You don't need to put yourself down for wanting to see people better off than you have bad things happen to them. Anybody who went through what you had gone through would think the same thing about people better off than them.
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