Have you ever had that feeling when you wake up? Before your feet even hit the floor. Just that great swell of agony and overwhelming grief and sadness. Because you know. I know. This is it. Its over. Its over for me. And the rest of my life is basically reduced to me mourning my death. I just didnt realize I died 20 years ago. When my mind was fractured into a billion pieces. The sun creeping from the blinds hurts your eyes cos you dont go out much. This is my prison. A small room. I just feel it. More of me dying, each day. Pieces of a man turning into dust. I used to be a man. I used to be able to feel. There is so much out there to live for. Imagine being a prisoner looking outside, seeing all the wonders of the world. But your not actually in a physical prison. Your in a mental one. Even worse. And ive been pulling and shaking the bars and banging my head against wall and theres just no way out. There just isnt. Looking outside is what hurts most. It hurts so bad. I cant be one of them. A normal free human being that can live, thrive, socialize, love, work, have a family and be happy. I just sit with my chin on the window in tears. "Oh look at them holding hands, look at them kissing, look at the children playing, look at the beautiful places ill never see. It hurts. You only have one life. And this is it. This hell. I cant stop looking out of the mirror. Even it causes so much pain. I would trade eternity to be like them for one day. My nerves are constantly on fire and its like an alarm going off and my mind is racing and im engulfed in this feeling of terror and sadness and it doesn't go away until it decides. I cant take a pill, I cant sleep it off, I cant drink it away, its there until it decides to let me go. I feel like its a separate entity. I cant control it. I want to kill it. I hate you. You raped me. You took my life, you took everything. Theres no hope. Not for me. It only gets worse. I get older. Sicker. More unstable. And whatever is left dies. Its unbearable. Heres the creepy part.... I day dream alot. I pretend im a handsome guy but im like a humanitarian that tries to help the sick and poor. I have a beautiful girlfriend. I imagine i have a family that loves me, and children. My own home. I hold my pillow as if it were a woman. Just trying to imagine what it would be like to hold someone in your arms. To hear her breathing, her warmth, her heartbeat. Ill never know. It must be one of the greatest feelings in the world. I just have a pillow. Thats it. Thats my companion. A pillow. You cant treat loneliness. If your ugly, unattractive, unlovable, poor, and socially inept as I am. Theres really nothing you can do about it. Just bad genes and human nature. I walk around like I have scars on my face. No, its just my face. Its started with the kids at school. They knew. They all made fun of me. They can be so viscous cos their young minds have no concept of how it affects you. Then you get older and they start beating you, slapping you, dumping your head in toilets, and everyone laughs. Why do you all hate me so much. God made me this way. Please dont hurt me. I just want to be friends. What did I do to deserve this. When I was 11 I was molested by a gay male teacher on 3 different occasions. A vulture always comes to pick the bones. I was so traumatized by all the other abuse I couldnt even comprehend what he was doing. For once I wasnt being beaten or hurt, he was being nice and caring. But it felt wrong and I ran away. He said if I told anyone he would fail me. So I didnt. I was shot in my lower leg when i was about 14. Dont know who didnt it, or where it came from. And I somehow limped home relatively not it that much pain until i looked down and saw a hole in my leg the size of a quarter. I dont know what was worse, the mental abuse or the physical. Was this a school or a juvenile prison? It was a poor school and i learned nothing except how to hate everything about myself. The world doesnt lie to you. If you are nothing it will show you. It will reject you and spit you out. I have nothing to offer the world. And the world has nothing to offer me. All I know is pain and suffering. What is really the case anyone can make to go on. I just hear people saying, hang in there, be strong, keep going, things will change. Its been 20 years, its never changed. When you have been pushing something with all your strength for 20 years and it doesnt move, what make me think things will change. I mean why? Hang in there for what? Keep going where? No where? Clinging to a meaningless life. Being in a world I hate. Inside a person I hate. Inside a body I hate. Living a life I intensely hate. I wish I had a choice. I wish my parents never met. I wish God cared. But I know why I was made this way. The same way you cant have good without evil. You cant have beautiful normal people without the sick ugly ones. Now after spending 20 years suffering from depression and all my life with anxiety, I now have been living with gastroparesis for the last 3 years. Talking about kicking a man while hes down. I will have to either be on a feeding tube, have a gastric pacemaker, or they will have to cut half of my stomach off. Sounds fun. So tell me why I should, keep going, keep living, be strong, get help? I have a fundamental disagreement with God about my life. Its not special. Im not thankful to just wake up and exist. Infact the opposite. You can take my life, my soul, everything and shove it. "keep holding on, theres hope." Yeah, there is hope. I hope I die soon. Actually just a small part of me want to just hang around for a moment. Just incase the world burns around me. Because I long to look out of my prison window and watch all of the beautiful normal people start to get older and sicker and suffer. I want to see the rich become poor. I want to see the beautiful become ugly. I want to see misery. I want to grab a bag of popcorn and watch all of you that tormented and abused me and lived such a easy life, finally succumb to the inevitability that no matter who you are, you will get sick like me, you will grow old like me, you will become me, and you will die like me. The only difference is dying will be difficult for you cos you want so desperately to live, it wont be for me cos I want so desperately to die. Look at what ive become.... this bitter, anger, sad excuse for a human being. Thats what suffering does to you.. It turns your heart black. Reaper why wont you come for me. I need you now. Take me home. So I can rest in peace.