I believe that nobody is truly empathetic in this world, therefor I must bring happy people down to my level of emotional trauma in order to feel as if life is somehow fair. And you might be telling yourself, "Of course life's not fair! So deal with it!" But I'm ready to deal with it. Tonight I went 120 down the highway and straight through the red light of an off-ramp intersection towards my apartment. I could have been T-boned at 45 mph, it would have been lights out. I was well aware of that. But what occurred about 5 minutes after I got out of my car, was the realization that if I were to die, something horrible would happen to my parents. If I were to kill myself, my parents--who co-signed for my student loans--would not only lose their only child... they would also inherit a very large debt to pay back. They would literally spend the rest of their lives, possibly mourning my death, and living at a poverty level trying to pay back the money. My parents have showed nothing put support for me, nothing but love. Which... really makes me question why I'm so goddamn depressed. But I can't do this to them. I know that if I were to end it, I'd have no sense of their lives. My conscience would be gone, the world would no longer matter. They would no longer matter. But understanding this burden that will be placed on them, makes my finger too heavy to pull the trigger. So what in the FUCK do I do? Just continue living in complete misery? Go to the doctor and get American drugs so I can feel like I'm happy, even though I'm just avoiding some intangible problem that probably came from some fucked up childhood event? Pay off the loans in 40 years and then kill myself? Take the advice that's sure to come and go see a psyche? I don't have money for that, I literally have NO MONEY for that.