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There is no way to solve this

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by gamble, Jan 31, 2010.

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  1. gamble

    gamble New Member

    I believe that nobody is truly empathetic in this world, therefor I must bring happy people down to my level of emotional trauma in order to feel as if life is somehow fair. And you might be telling yourself, "Of course life's not fair! So deal with it!" But I'm ready to deal with it. Tonight I went 120 down the highway and straight through the red light of an off-ramp intersection towards my apartment. I could have been T-boned at 45 mph, it would have been lights out. I was well aware of that. But what occurred about 5 minutes after I got out of my car, was the realization that if I were to die, something horrible would happen to my parents.

    If I were to kill myself, my parents--who co-signed for my student loans--would not only lose their only child... they would also inherit a very large debt to pay back. They would literally spend the rest of their lives, possibly mourning my death, and living at a poverty level trying to pay back the money. My parents have showed nothing put support for me, nothing but love. Which... really makes me question why I'm so goddamn depressed. But I can't do this to them.

    I know that if I were to end it, I'd have no sense of their lives. My conscience would be gone, the world would no longer matter. They would no longer matter. But understanding this burden that will be placed on them, makes my finger too heavy to pull the trigger.

    So what in the FUCK do I do? Just continue living in complete misery? Go to the doctor and get American drugs so I can feel like I'm happy, even though I'm just avoiding some intangible problem that probably came from some fucked up childhood event? Pay off the loans in 40 years and then kill myself? Take the advice that's sure to come and go see a psyche? I don't have money for that, I literally have NO MONEY for that.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 31, 2010
  2. PoisonS

    PoisonS Well-Known Member

    It seems the only solution is to figure out what you're avoiding and face it. Or else you can never move on.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Psychiatrist is covered here Does the university not cover for councilling talk to a councillor there get some help. You need to deal with the core of the problem and maybe go on medication for awhile. There is always help go to the hospital and talk with crisis there maybe sign yourself in for awhile till you get some help. Quit putting it off talk to someone at the university they will guide you in the right direction that is what they are there for. I hope you try.
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hiya, gamble. Welcome to SF.

    Seems you're feeling sort of boxed in right now.

    I'm answering from a North American perspective - i.e., the way things work in my city. I don't know where you live, what you do (student still? or working?) or how student loan payments are set up where you live.

    So, that said, meds can help stabilize our mood so that we can get to the issues with a therapist faster and better. That means we get back to our usual self sooner. When we feel better, our challenges are more manageable and we deal with them more efficiently. Suicide then generally drops out as an option, or at least it usually goes way down on the list of possibilities.

    Depending on your circumstances and where you live, etc., etc., there may be student counseling available. Student Health Services could likely direct you. If you have graduated and are working, perhaps your company has an Employee Assistance Plan (EAP) that might include some counseling/therapy hours. In the US and Canada, some pharmaceutical companies will help reduce the cost of the meds under some circumstances. It would be worth looking into.

    I graduated a long time ago, so I don't really know much about student loans these days. Where I live, I think the person repays them on a schedule after they graduate and get a job. I don't know much more about it.

    I hope you keep coming here and talking to us. Just being able to let off some steam and talk about the things we usually keep buried can make a world of difference. SF has lots of people who are very understanding and supportive.

    Let us know how you're doing.

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