I just need to write or type some stuff down. I cannot handle people, society, anything. At school today I spent 5 hours before it worrying so much I felt sick, then when I got there and had to sit in a room with like 150 people I was freaking out. I am a failure. I wanted to end my life a few weeks ago, but never did, and now I want to very soon. I cannot go back to school. And I can't get a job either because of the same reasons. I am dumb, like really, my marks have dropped. I hate where I live. I have no friends here at all, not even acquantances. I barely talk. My parents don't care about me. I literally have no one to talk with about general stuff. We live in a world where you have to be beautiful and smart to get anywhere. Some say I need to try something new, we thing is I can't, I can't quit school or I'd have to get a job, but that's impossible with my anxiety and my parents. Some say try counselling, well I did for a few months they never did tell me exactly what was wrong with me, nor did they put enough effort into helping me. My death will be a reminder to them not to shove people off to the side and to believe those of us suffer inside. It seems like this site is full of many fakes. I dont get it. I guess I just feel alone and don't fit in maybe. No one seems to really want to die, for me it's like a passion and the only goal in life I have and the only thing stopping me is my conscience, I'm not attention seeking and don't plan on Oding on some weak pain killers. I refuse to fail. I was in a relationship, and for the first time in a while I was happy and my depression was subsiding, then he hurt me, of course, how predictableThe sad thing is I still love him, even after all he has done to me. People I love always leave me. And now I'm so alone. Have tried all possible resources. I found this nice peaceful place for my final steps, it's beautiful, it's a field. I don't want to do it in the house or for my parents to see, so this is ideal. I'm not saying it will happen when I plan, because I know I am weak, but I feel hopeful this time. I'm not looking for people to yell at me for saying some on here are fakes or to tell me to 'hold on', because I've been holding on for a long time, and it's not like I didn't try at life. Right now I feel nothing, not happy not sad...just somewhere in between.