There is nothing left

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ColdSummer, Mar 3, 2008.

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  1. ColdSummer

    ColdSummer Well-Known Member

    I just need to write or type some stuff down.

    I cannot handle people, society, anything. At school today I spent 5 hours before it worrying so much I felt sick, then when I got there and had to sit in a room with like 150 people I was freaking out. I am a failure. I wanted to end my life a few weeks ago, but never did, and now I want to very soon. I cannot go back to school. And I can't get a job either because of the same reasons. I am dumb, like really, my marks have dropped. I hate where I live. I have no friends here at all, not even acquantances. I barely talk. My parents don't care about me. I literally have no one to talk with about general stuff. We live in a world where you have to be beautiful and smart to get anywhere. Some say I need to try something new, we thing is I can't, I can't quit school or I'd have to get a job, but that's impossible with my anxiety and my parents. Some say try counselling, well I did for a few months they never did tell me exactly what was wrong with me, nor did they put enough effort into helping me. My death will be a reminder to them not to shove people off to the side and to believe those of us suffer inside.

    It seems like this site is full of many fakes. I dont get it. I guess I just feel alone and don't fit in maybe. No one seems to really want to die, for me it's like a passion and the only goal in life I have and the only thing stopping me is my conscience, I'm not attention seeking and don't plan on Oding on some weak pain killers. I refuse to fail.

    I was in a relationship, and for the first time in a while I was happy and my depression was subsiding, then he hurt me, of course, how predictable:rolleyes:The sad thing is I still love him, even after all he has done to me. People I love always leave me. And now I'm so alone. Have tried all possible resources.

    I found this nice peaceful place for my final steps, it's beautiful, it's a field. I don't want to do it in the house or for my parents to see, so this is ideal. I'm not saying it will happen when I plan, because I know I am weak, but I feel hopeful this time. I'm not looking for people to yell at me for saying some on here are fakes or to tell me to 'hold on', because I've been holding on for a long time, and it's not like I didn't try at life.

    Right now I feel nothing, not happy not sad...just somewhere in between.
     
  2. Yeah I think they are many "fakes" here who try to give help & advice to other suicidal forumers but they can't even help themselves.

    But I feel the same way as you do. Lucky me, I don't have a gf.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 3, 2008
  3. TrAgIcK EvEntZ

    TrAgIcK EvEntZ Well-Known Member

    I'm almost having the same problem as you. Trust me, I'm not a fake and I want to help you, but I need more information. Did your grades drop in school because of not having friends? If you give me a reply, I promise I'd try my best to help you.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 3, 2008
  4. nagisa

    nagisa Chat & Forum Buddy Staff Alumni

    I understand what you are saying. I feel the same about a lot of things you do. If you ever just want to talk you can PM me anytime. :hug:
     
  5. nagisa

    nagisa Chat & Forum Buddy Staff Alumni

    I wouldn't consider people who want to help others but can't find it in themselves to help themselves 'fakes'. I think there are a lot of people here who are just like what you've just described and I've known a few of them and let me tell you... they are NOT fakes. I find that very insulting. A lot of people put off helping themselves for whatever reason but that doesn't take away the fact that they would love to help others.
     
  6. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    coldsummer and lonelyloser, you are very quick to judge the people who give and take advice on this site. with respect, you can only know a very little bit about any of us based on the posts we make. your posts just tell me how hard you judge yourselves, and a bit about how you view failed attempts, which is to say, not kindly. i was ashamed that my attempt failed but i think living through it has made me a kinder, more compassionate person. what it hasn't done is made me a "faker."

    coldsummer, there must be a small part of you that wants to live otherwise why bother posting? what would happen if you put as much energy into learning to live as you put into your plan for suicide? so what if a few months counselling didn't help.... why not try another counsellor? take some time to read up on depression and other disorders? meditation or stress-relief classes? yoga? meds? it's way too soon to be giving up, and it can sometimes take time to find the right combination of things to fight suicidal thoughts,

    catherine
     
  7. nagisa

    nagisa Chat & Forum Buddy Staff Alumni

    I agree. :hug:
     
  8. almosteasy

    almosteasy Well-Known Member

    Very insulting indeed hana. To keep it short, I will just say a few things. Although I definitely believe you feel suicidal, I know that you understand very little about this condition.

    Because anyone who’s studied depression/suicide and has had the unfortunate experience of going through it knows that many people with this condition are beyond help.

    Your comment is the equivalent of someone telling an AIDS patient that they are "shouldn’t give advice because they can’t help themselves." This isn’t a disease where you can just "help yourself" to get better. But that doesn’t mean cant give advice because many people who are suicidal haven’t tried all options or may just be having a really bad day and talking to anyone helps them feel better.
     
  9. ColdSummer

    ColdSummer Well-Known Member

    Well for your information, I wasn't posting for attention or for people to tell me not to do anything, as I pointed out in the OP, I also pointed out at the very beginning that I just wanted to write some stuff down. I hope this meets your standards. So treat this as more of a journal entry ok?
    I have read an extensive amount of mental health literature and have also studied psychology and health so this isn't like I have no idea about this topic. What you said about redirecting my energy is right however. I guess if I was more optimisitc I would do that more. Thankyou.

    And or all the posters who said you're a fake if you don't give advice, that kind of turned into the whole chinese whispers game there. Thats relaly not what I meant. Nor did I intend to offend anyone, but if you're not a fake then theres no need to be offended because you know yourself better and know you're not one.
     
  10. If there's somebody who's offended when I wrote that some people here are fakes then my apologies. I think it is not the right term for me to write I guess.
    :smile:
     
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