There is nothing left

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ShunBlue, Jun 27, 2008.

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  1. ShunBlue

    ShunBlue New Member

    First, I want to say I don't want to sound like I'm having a pity party, because that's what I'm told all of the time. I've lost everyone in my life, and it's probably due to my own fault. I'm trying to re-coup what I've lost, but I don't see how.

    I really had a wonderful life, although hindsight is always 20/20. I was married, had 2 beautiful girls, wonderful home - all of the material things, although now I see material things don't matter really.

    My husband passed away on 2/12/07 due to heart failure. Almost our whole married life we were truly blessed - I had a wonderful career with a very successful company, my husband worked 20 years for a fortune 500 company and that company was bought out by another, and he was given a package and let go. I had quit my job 5 years before he lost his to stay at home with my kids since we had enough money to live on, but was clinically depressed, but dealing with it with medication. I started a home business, was studying to become a personal trainer and doing some fitness modeling. Drugs came into the picture, and that was it.

    My husband, after losing his job, became severely depressed. We both engaged in recreational drugs, I had already been on prescribed meds for depression/anxiety and things escalated terribly. The marriage seemed to be falling apart (we had been married 16 years at the time), and his abuse toward me became physical. I called an ambulance, he was sent to jail and he never got over it. I had been staying with my father (kids were with him half of the time while I was seeking a lawyer to get an emergency order of protection for them to stay with me). I had been gone a week, and received a call from my children that they found their dad dead in bed - they were going into the bedroom to ask for lunch money. My GOD, I can't believe how horrible and tragic that could be. I came right over, wasn't allowed inside the house, but saw a body bag being taken out with my husband in it. I fainted.

    Over the period of the next year, I was so mentally ill, I used dust-off inhalant (found by his body after he died) just to be able to escape. I was admitted 5 times to a mental hospital and jailed for 6 months, just released earlier this month. I was arrested for attempted assault on a police officer (I scratched him while he was handcuffing me). The original reason I was arrested was because I didn't give him my last name (I gave him my maiden name). Honestly, I had been using this particular inhalant over a period of 2007 and they must have known my background, although I never had any brushes with the law.

    I am now trying to find a job with a felony. I was an analyst, and I cannot find work as a waitress. My kids couldn't care any less what happens, my dad told me he hates me and is ashamed of me - wish I was never born. I have no friends...nothing. I have nowhere to go. My life is over. I don't see a reason to go on. I wanted to call the ambulance last night, but my dad said if I did, I would have nowhere to go afterward since it's an embarrassment to him. I wanted to die last night, and he said to get over myself. I really try to be strong - I'm sending my resume everywhere, trying to be good. Lord knows being in jail was more than hell - I was constantly given death threats and feared for my life at every moment.

    As I write this, I just remember the good times I had. I love my girls more than anything, and I feel selfish. I feel like a loser and someone that is just taking unnecessary space on this earth. It will happen, it's just a matter of time and how to do it.
  2. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    This isn't your fault. If your husband started becoming abusive in a physical way then what else could you do. Unfortunately you've had a series of bad luck.
    Your not selfish, in order to help others (Your daughters) you must also look after yourself.

    It's good that your trying to get on with life again. I don't understand why your father is ashamed of you, you did what you thought was best, he must understand that.
  3. ShunBlue

    ShunBlue New Member

    Thanks - but I've already had 3 suicide attempts. 1 being where I OD'd and ended up with a tube in my stomach. Another, taking a bottle of Klonopin and just got very sick for several days. The last time, I ran into traffic hoping that would be the end.

    I really don't want to exist. THat's what this is - mere existence. No more living. I spend all my days in tears, unable to function.
  4. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    wow i'm so sorry to hear about the struggles. i can somewhat relate to ya. it's hard when you're try to find work especially when there has been trouble. i'm trying to find work myself now with an arrest under me.

    i'm glad to hear you got away from the abuse. that's a tough one for anyone who experiences that.

    please don't give up. keep lookin' things can work out, but when we are in such situations things just naturally take longer. those are just the facts, and requires some patience on our parts. please continue to share as you need and we will continue to listen. please take care and most importantly stay safe

    Not for us - for YOU!!

    Many of us have been in the shoes of desperately, yet honestly (and with humility - but a strength that comes from integrity) asking for help...yet being shunned and judged by those who "say" they love us. This is as unfamiliar territory for them, as it is for us...and it may take a while to realize the "co-dependancy factor'...But do NOT put all your eggs in one basket. There are no one-size-fits-all solutions - and it's very hard to be 'diplomatic' in refraining from expressing that...


    This is YOUR journey - and no one else can attend to it as diligently, and with as much self-awareness - present, or growing (and not at all to be misconstrued as "selfishness"), as yourself...

  6. ShunBlue

    ShunBlue New Member

    Thanks so much all for understanding and helping me. I just have these feelings that will not subside.

    As I write this, my emotional state is one of acceptance, not denial. I internalize my thoughts, I write my story in my mind and find that when I get to either write it on paper or type it on the keyboard, there is a great pause - blankness, if you will. I want to ensure that whomever reads this understands me as a person. I feel like one drop of water in the vastness of the great oceans as I know many of us feel. I am not unique to many of the thought processes and feelings that people go through, yet I do believe we all ARE unique and should be understood as such.

    There was a time, 3 or so years ago that I saw the world, or my immediate area of the world, as a wonderful place - a place of many contemplations. I saw the beauty in so many of what offers those of us in this world - the land of the living. The beauty of the colors of the sunset...purple, orange, pink and blue. Nature, and all of the creatures in it allowed me to be able to feel as if I were at peace, and all was well.

    I do not know if my dalliance with chemicals (drugs) has altered my vision, my depression has become so highly elevated or that I've seen true evil in the hearts and minds of those I've had the unfortunate luck to come in contact with, but I no longer see any true beauty in anything. I believe there are good people out there, I believe the world, in spite of the evil that resides in it, is still a good place, but my whole being sees, understands and perceives any and everything around me with gray colored glasses. The colors are muted and not vivid. I understand the nature of the human and the sickness that lies within us. We are constantly striving to resist temptation - I would have given my last nickel to someone that seemed as though they were downtrodden and needed it more than I, and I'm no longer that way.

    I consider myself a very caring person, but everything that has ever meant anything to me has been taken away, by mostly my own fault. I cannot live with that. You cannot "start over" with the mindset I've been left with. You cannot go into the past and change it, and because of that, I'm left with the ruins of what was, what could have been and what is now. Placating is not going to allow me to move forward...all that truly is is dipping dung in sugar. The surface may be appealing, but the substance is what it is and cannot be changed.

    I've always loved contemplating worldly and spiritual issues. I will ALWAYS believe in God and never believe he has done this to will is alive and well. I'm quite a goof, and think silly things and believe my humor to be one of my best traits. But this other side to me is dark and somber, and I feel selfish contemplating now what I am.

    Your life is what you make it. I've made mine, and now I have to live with the repurcussions of my failures, choices and mistakes...

    I had a meltdown the other night, and my Dad slapped me across the face because I wanted to call EMS - he was too embarrassed to have an ambulance arrive here - what would the neighbors say? I cried, and he laughed at me and told me to get over myself. He has continually told me I am a disgrace, embarrassment and he actually told me he hated me. He said that. This is one person that I have left in my life.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 2, 2008
  7. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Don't pay attention to your father, if that's the way he feels then so be it, you don't have to take the abuse he throws at you.

    You know, accepting what has happened in life is the start of finding a level of peace and being able to move on.
  8. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    do you know the book toxic parents? you can get it at your local library, or from amazon. it might help in understanding your relationship with your father.

    your health and wellbeing is the most important thing. your instincts were right in calling for help, and your dad was 100% wrong.

    do you have a social worker or community nurse assigned to work with you after your last time in the hospital? i ask because maybe they can help you find a new place to live. staying with your dad might be a financial help but sounds so bad for your health and wellbeing.

    it *is* possible to recover from an addiction (with help) and even rebuild after trouble with the law (i've done that too....). i think getting some supports in place should be your number one goal. you don't have to do it alone. let us help, and be open to letting others help you too. the world is still that beautiful place you remember, and even though you feel disconnected you will always be part of this world. it's the depression that has distorted your thinking. as the depression lifts, you can rejoin us.
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