First, I want to say I don't want to sound like I'm having a pity party, because that's what I'm told all of the time. I've lost everyone in my life, and it's probably due to my own fault. I'm trying to re-coup what I've lost, but I don't see how. I really had a wonderful life, although hindsight is always 20/20. I was married, had 2 beautiful girls, wonderful home - all of the material things, although now I see material things don't matter really. My husband passed away on 2/12/07 due to heart failure. Almost our whole married life we were truly blessed - I had a wonderful career with a very successful company, my husband worked 20 years for a fortune 500 company and that company was bought out by another, and he was given a package and let go. I had quit my job 5 years before he lost his to stay at home with my kids since we had enough money to live on, but was clinically depressed, but dealing with it with medication. I started a home business, was studying to become a personal trainer and doing some fitness modeling. Drugs came into the picture, and that was it. My husband, after losing his job, became severely depressed. We both engaged in recreational drugs, I had already been on prescribed meds for depression/anxiety and things escalated terribly. The marriage seemed to be falling apart (we had been married 16 years at the time), and his abuse toward me became physical. I called an ambulance, he was sent to jail and he never got over it. I had been staying with my father (kids were with him half of the time while I was seeking a lawyer to get an emergency order of protection for them to stay with me). I had been gone a week, and received a call from my children that they found their dad dead in bed - they were going into the bedroom to ask for lunch money. My GOD, I can't believe how horrible and tragic that could be. I came right over, wasn't allowed inside the house, but saw a body bag being taken out with my husband in it. I fainted. Over the period of the next year, I was so mentally ill, I used dust-off inhalant (found by his body after he died) just to be able to escape. I was admitted 5 times to a mental hospital and jailed for 6 months, just released earlier this month. I was arrested for attempted assault on a police officer (I scratched him while he was handcuffing me). The original reason I was arrested was because I didn't give him my last name (I gave him my maiden name). Honestly, I had been using this particular inhalant over a period of 2007 and they must have known my background, although I never had any brushes with the law. I am now trying to find a job with a felony. I was an analyst, and I cannot find work as a waitress. My kids couldn't care any less what happens, my dad told me he hates me and is ashamed of me - wish I was never born. I have no friends...nothing. I have nowhere to go. My life is over. I don't see a reason to go on. I wanted to call the ambulance last night, but my dad said if I did, I would have nowhere to go afterward since it's an embarrassment to him. I wanted to die last night, and he said to get over myself. I really try to be strong - I'm sending my resume everywhere, trying to be good. Lord knows being in jail was more than hell - I was constantly given death threats and feared for my life at every moment. As I write this, I just remember the good times I had. I love my girls more than anything, and I feel selfish. I feel like a loser and someone that is just taking unnecessary space on this earth. It will happen, it's just a matter of time and how to do it.