Everything is so overwhelming and nothing is okay. I don't know if this is the right forum or not. But it doesn't matter and literally every choice I make is wrong anyway, so.... it doesn't matter. I can't even begin to talk about or explain everything. There are far too many facets and dimensions, which each have legs and dimensions of their own... Seriously it is not explainable by me. It would take much time and energy and ability which I do not possess to do so, so I hope nobody will bag on me for not being able to explain. Because I seriously cannot take one more iota of critique of my being-ness. It's come gradually - after serious life crisis after serious life crisis, after abuse after abuse, after situation after situation, pounding and hammering at me over, and over, and over, and over and over and over again - over half a century. Most recently I was ejected from a situation in which I was terrorized over a long period of time (but nobody understands how horrific it was and how it impacted ever aspect of my being - so badly)... And the one who was supposed to be "helping me" didn't understand me, didn't seem to "get" me - or respect me or my own life-knowledge or self-knowledge - at all, and in the end kind of flipped it around onto me - denied my reality, acted like I should have "gotten over it" - I can't help the damage it's done... I can't help it... But there are so many more aspects to the....everything-ness. It's not just that situation, although that situation was the straw that broke the camel's back. Like I said, it's been coming on more and more over a very long time. Now I'm to the point where I cannot deal with anything anymore -and don't want to. I really do not want to. I mean the simplest things in life that everyone as "adults" are supposed to deal with. Whether it's from PTSD (that can't be fixed because the things keep happening and going on and on, so it's not "post-")...... layered on top of more of itself.... Life situations that have recurred to the point of negating my existence... I can't even care anymore. I can't explain. There's just too much. All the things that are "supposed to" help - don't. Nothing - no advice, no methods, no techniques - nothing helps, nothing even applies to me. The people who are supposed to help, don't - if they even "get" me, which only one has and she couldn't "help" me either. The "help" is all in my own hands and I can't magically fix it. Everybody is like, "Well, you just do _________." But it's not possible. They deny my reality. They deny THE realities. The realities are real. I can't just magically up and - poof - fix everything. I can't. I know I'm the only one who can do it - and I can't. I've failed. I haven't been able to come up with the answer, or do it. I can't fix it. And literally nobody can help me. There is no help. There's nothing that can help. Nothing nothing nothing. It's not a pathological state of mind that can be magically cured from some pill. Although I get pressured to ruin myself by overriding my own self-knowledge and try some sort of medical "fix" that I know won't help and will hurt me in the process... then I'm "bad" or "wrong" for not wanting to do that... It's life situations that have hammered me down so far. I can't take it anymore. I can't, there's nothing but futility and impossibility and the ghost of what I thought was hope a long time ago, but it's been hammered and hammered out of me until there's nothing left..... and I know it's too late. It really is. In the meantime, I've been so negated repeatedly that my life has become completely a wasted joke that hurts with a deep pain that I'm supposed to not feel - for some reason - I'm not "supposed to" feel pain or mourn, I'm supposed to have endless abilities and endless energies..... but I don't. So that's not okay, either. Nothing I do is okay. Nothing I am is okay in or to this world. I don't see things the same way as others... I don't experience them the same. And then I'm told I'm "wrong" and yet I can tell from the way others reflect their understanding of what I say, or am, back to me that it's clear they don't understand. I'm not able to clearly explain, or it's just so different that maybe other's can't, I don't know..... I'm not crazy or disordered. Yet "difference" is presumed to be pathological... Or denied. As in some sort of logical fallacy vicious circle: "You can't be different because everyone is the same, therefore you must have a pathology." But I don't. And people can be different. The slightest things, responses, every aspect of life, I just don't see or feel it like you're "supposed to." I feel or react differently. Sometimes the opposite of what you're supposed to. Everything is a game, little dances and rules that somebody at some point just made up, and people are so ensconced in them all that they don't even realize they're engaged in games. And I'm tired of them all. I just can't pretend anymore. I'm constricted by severe ptsd-like issues with everyday life things that I can't deal with so much that I can't navigate much of life - and I don't want to "get better" anymore. They are bad things that I don't want to and can't (as in "do not have the ability or capacity to") deal with... I just want all these bad things,, these things that keep hammering me and hammering me - the situations that keep hurting me - the "necessities" of life that keep on me, and on me, and on me..... I just want them all to stop, to go away, leave me alone. Because my inability to deal with them, it's not based on "nonsense." It's not based on fear of something that isn't real. It's based on realities. So the "fear" can't go away, or get better, because it's just too much reality that I no longer can deal with. It's all been.... wrung out of me, I'm broken. I'm broken and it's all just been too much over too long - it's just too much. And please don't even talk to me or mention the word "strength" because I'm not "strong" and I adamantly don't want to be anymore. I don't want to have to fake anymore or wage these f*(&@#^ing battles anymore. I'm not a flippin' warrior. I don't want to be. I'm sick and tired of the world. Really, really really really really done with everything. Nothing matters really. I don't matter. I don't. No one (especially some stranger) can tell me the politically correct "I matter" because that's clearly not what life has shown. Whether or not it's "my fault" - my "bad choices" - plus the facets of myself that are not changeable that make other people presume I'm nothing but a source of ridicule and/or narcissistic supply and/or scapegoat or some other fodder for abuse...... I'm a big tiny nothing. Nothing. And I'm ridiculous and then abused more if I dare to try to think I'm not. In ways that have devastated my life. Which all somehow comes down to (in pop psychology) being due to "my choices." Even when I don't really have choices. Although then I'm just told I'm wrong. So no matter what, I'm wrong. Nothing is anything. I mean seriously........ everything is rote. Nothing has feeling or meaning. It's not "depression." It's because it's all been wrung dry. When a kid stops liking playing with Barbies, that doesn't mean they're depressed. It just means they're done with Barbies. Why can't it be the same for adults. Why does being done with everything have to be presumed pathological. Everything I do and have done is wrong and now my life is completely futile and impossible and pointless and I don't care about anything and I am nothing. I'm nothing and I've been forced that way and I'm not supposed to feel any pain about that. Because it's all "my own choices/fault." Even if it's largely due to circumstances beyond my control. I'm somehow magically supposed to have been able to control things I can't, or make things *poof* happen as if I'm a magician... or make people treat me as they should... I can't control any of that, and in my case it's had devastating, devastating consequences. And I'm wrong also for having been damaged and for feeling pain and mourning about loss, I'm just wrong every which way, and every dimension and facet of life is empty or something I can't deal with so all it does is bring me stress I can't handle. And there literally is nothing that anyone else can do to "help." Literally. (And by "literally" - I mean "literally." Not just a figure of speech or exaggeration. Not a refusal or inability to see options or choices. Not because of pathology. But because that's just the way the reality is.) So really there's no point in my even saying anything because there's nothing that anybody here can do, either. And all the standard answers or advice or solutions or life wisdom - don't work or aren't applicable to my particular circumstance. I know it all comes down to me - and I can't fix it, and I've failed, and I am failing, and I can't care enough or do whatever or find a solution to fix it all, and every choice I make is bad and wrong, and it's too late for me to have enough value (in society as it is) to even be able to survive, and I'm just so sick of being tromped and hammered and faking that I'm oh-so-happy to be nothing while I'm barely clinging onto the edge of survival..... It's too painful, and nobody even sees me as a "real person." I swear it's true, it's so true - I know I can't "prove it" to you - that's one of the things that's devastated my life, stereotypes based on appearances that I can't change and I can't morph myself into something I'm not, nor can I fake pretending that I'm what I'm expected to be based on appearances, yet that's the only way I can survive... and it hurts, it just hurts too much, my needs aren't anywhere near met, and I can't find a way, and all my choices are wrong, and it's all "my fault" and I'm not magical enough to find the solution. (And nobody else has one either. Been through all the options, every one just ends up looking like I'm just "shooting down" and "being contrary/negative" when I'm just answering with the realities of the situation - and I'm still wrong. Because everything I think and do and AM - is wrong. And I can't fit this world. Even surviving. And I'm just so tired of the pain of trying, and of being hammered down and pummeled and trampled and beaten up in one way or another, of everybody and everything telling me or reflecting to me how nothing I am, and how I don't matter, and how all my choices are wrong, and everything I do and am is wrong... and having to pretend, the eternal pretending, just to try to survive, when it takes away all my meaning in life. And yet there is no other way. Or there might be for others and I'm "wrong" because if "others can do it what makes me so different" - well, lots of real genuine reasons, but also because I'm not successfully magical enough to do what others did... I'm not them, they're not me, I've failed, it's too late, I've made all the wrong choices, I've done all the wrong things - I'm doing wrong right at this second, even, for sitting here and writing this... when I should somehow me working on my magical whatever is going to "fix" this life or ,........ get rid of the hell...... I don't know. I can't take it and there is no help. Literally, there is no help. And somebody's going to say, "Well we can't help you if you don't tell us the specifics." But I can't, for a multitude of reasons. And even if I did, I know for a fact there's nothing to help, it's all been gone through..... And then somebody's going to say, "I'm having trouble following you" or "understanding what you're saying." Because yeah, I'm too vague or non-comprehensible, too. Another reason I'm wrong. Everything has this dreadful, horror nightmare-like feeling that I can't escape (and the things in the news - real things that I can't avoid - are just making it all worse). The inescapability of a pointless ending..... while I lack the fortitude or energy or - whatever - to give my limited all to rectify it, to make my life not have been wasted. Everything feels so awful. It's just .... wrong, and bad. It's legitimately bad. I can't explain.... the nightmarish feeling, nothing is ever ok anymore, it never feels safe or okay and I can't handle it. I'm so terrified and there's nothing that can help or fix it, there just isn't, there isn't anything that can fix my existence... It's pointless for me to even say anything. But it also burns in me, a pointless futile gaping yaw of pain that nobody can help or touch because I'm the only one who can do whatever is needed, and I can't do it or magically fix it either. And I can't deal with any of it anymore. And we're not talking weeks or months or even years... this has been growing and growing for decades, only the last 6 or so years have completely broken me and also fast-forwarded time to the point where in actuality it is most likely too late for many facets of my existence, the ones that have any meaning to me.