Some people are born to fail. That's the bottom line. You can't have a world full of successes, because life is competition, and somebody is going to lose. I am one of them. I've been an abject failure at everything I've ever attempted. And a;ways i try to cling to hope by saying "Oh, if I could only do this, I would be better.." "If I could only learn to be this way.." but ultimately what it all means is that I can't succeed as myself, i have to be someone else. And I can't be someone else, it isn't possible, so you see that suicide is the only way... the things I want to accomplish are unattainable, so what is the use in still hoping for them? And likewise, if I stop hoping, what is the point in living?... no point at all really. It's peculiar how thin my will to live is... I suppose when you can't succeed, when you have no material reason to hold on, and you know hope is pointless, then self-preservation doesn't seem that important after all. This isn't like I want the world. Most of the things I want are normal activities... simple things that even the most painfully average yokels can accomplish with ease. For instance I can't even make a friend... hell i can't even start a conversation with someone I don't know. Do you realize how pathetically fucked up someone has to be to be incapable of the simplest things in life? There are people in mental institutions with more rewarding lives. I've tried to fool myself into thinking I could change in a million different ways. Well it's not happening and it's not going to happen. Life is over for me soon I think, every time I hit a low I feel myself sink a little further.