Haven't been around since my last depression phase in May last year. Things started getting better for quite a while. But things are not going as well again. I just see no point in keep on going. The cynicalism in life is eating me up. Trusting people have long been an issue, but I have slowly but gradually lost my faith in humanity. Couple of weeks ago I was at the local beach around midnight alone. I went down the end of the beach line, and felt drawn towards the ocean. It was a storm coming, making it more intense. My feelings in regards to life vent through me, weighing the good against the bad, right and wrong. I stood for a long time while emotions struggled. I almost felt the waves calling for me, but thinking of my family and the ones I hold dear made me step back. But more and more I have started to think I shouldn't just keep on going on behalf of others. Brutal as it may sound, if I find no joy in life and see no light in the future why should I keep on walking as a emptied shell with no real purpose in existing. I have been thinking about just leave everything behind me. Maybe try a new start, get away from this place that is tearing me apart. I can't stay here for much longer, I know that I won't make it. This is a country with little personal warmth, the coldness and stifness in this society is unbearable. The judgemental and talking/gossioping/attitudes of smaller places here. It should be noted that I really managed to regain some life joy when I had a short staying abroad. The cold weather and people in the North of Europe is depressing. But even if I move, I expect that I will end up alone as well there. Is it worth trying you know? But my financial situation makes it no easy move either. I do not know what I can do to regain faith in surroundings, but as well in myself and in life. Everything seems to dark now. I have thought about visiting a psychhiatrist, but I fear not being understood or simply dismissed. To tell the truth I really don't have much faith in them. So I'm sitting here at midnight, writing this off, but there really seems no point in keep going.