There seems to be no hope

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Expresso, Apr 15, 2007.

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  1. Expresso

    Expresso Member


    I am a 48 year old man. Divorced 5 years ago after a long and mostly unhappy marriage. I was at the pinnacle of professional success when the marriage ended. Just left a six-figure a year corporate job to start my own business. The new business was going extremely well.

    The divorce was ugly. After 20 years of marriage, I got hung with 10 years of alimony. I lost everything in the house, my belongings. I spent months living in hotels and staying with friends. After 20 years of marriage, I left the house with just the clothes on my back. My children, grown now, don't want to speak with me. There was no infidelity, I didn't do anything wrong, we just grew apart--but that's another long story.

    After 5 years of making those huge alimony payments and the business beginning to falter, I find myself in huge financial distress. I've tried every number of sources to resolve the issues, but have had no luck. I am on the verge now of losing my business and what few things I have been able to get for myself since the divorce. A relationship with a woman, started about a year after the divorce has also ended.

    I spend most of my days living in fear and anxiety. I long for night to come so I can go to sleep and not think. I wake up in the morning in fear. I'm depressed, exhausted, beat up and just at the end of my rope.

    My network of friends is beginning to dissolve--they are sick and tired of me being sick and tired. My family, wonderful supporters through all of this, have told me to suck it up and figure it out. But, I just don't have the energy to keep fighting the forest fire with a garden hose.

    I've begun to think about ending my life. Right now, those thoughts are not alarming--they are comforting. I've started writing a suicide note and considered the best way to do it. I've thought about the pain I will leave behind, but the thought of ending it all seems more important than the mess I will leave for friends and family.

  2. sadsong

    sadsong Staff Alumni

    Hi there, welcome to the forum :)

    I'm so sorry to hear how much you're hurting and struggling right now. Please let me assure you that your friends and family (even your ex wife) will be deeply upset and left messed up by your suicide.

    When you're dealing with depression/anxiety financial strain only adds to the problems and seems to make everything worse. Have you been to the bank? or spoken to anyone who could maybe go into partnership with you? or could you sell the business to another company? I know those solutions might not be ideal, it might be the only way to financially keep your head above water.

    Have you seen a doctor or spoken to anyone about how you are feeling emotionally? They can be a big help. With or without medication.

    Please stick around and find the support you need here. Have a look in the antiquities forum which is aimed for over 30s, you may be able to relate better to some of those members than some of our younger members.

    Take care
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    You've probably done this already..but just on the off chance you havent...over here in the UK we have various agencies (citizens advice, small business advice agencies etc) that could give your some legal and business advice.
    Maybe the business can be salvaged?
  4. Expresso

    Expresso Member

    I have tried every resource I can, but I appreciate your suggestions. I'm going down and going down hard.
  5. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to be disrespectful, but I find that hard to believe, especially if it is to do with your mental wellbeing. You may well have tried all the things that you are aware of existing, but there will be more out there. There is more to try.

    when you said this, can I ask what it was in reference to?

    Hang in there
  6. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Right, I know this will be the last thing you will want to do at the mo but.....
    Write off the business and find a job..any job..just so you have some feeling of control and have enough to live on.
    See a doc about some anti-depressants to see you over this very trying time.
    Cut right back on everything until you feel stronger and more able..then you can look for a better job etc.
    Cut yourself as much slack as possible..shit happens..we can only do what we can do.
    Keep posting, you'll find friendship and support a plenty here. MSN is in my profile if you need to chat.
  7. Expresso

    Expresso Member

    What I was making reference to was the fact that I have been financially gutted over the past 5 years with an unfair divorce settlement at a time when I was starting a new business. I have worked endlessly over the past five years, making every alimony payment on time, but going into debt to do so. If I don't make the payments, I go to jail.

    I have lost several key clients over the past 90 days through no fault of my own--corporate restructuring. I have pitched new business, but nothing has happened to date.

    A four year relationship with a woman came to an end this month.

    I owe the government and cannot pay.

    I live in fear of the mailman and the phone.

    It's just no way to live. It sucks.
  8. KathyLynnKilroy

    KathyLynnKilroy Active Member

    You know, there's a certain sense of liberation to knowing that you are going to die. After all, we have, if nothing changes, three weeks remaining before we do ourselves in.

    You start asking what was the point of trying? And really, there is none. There never is.

    The past year, this one spent trying to build something in Second Life. This one had accomplished it to some degree, but now, this one wonders why this one even tried.

    To be honest, if it weren't for certain passions and certain people in Second Life, this one would have stopped trying long ago. Likewise, this one has drawn support from those people in Second Life.

    However, how long can you leech off those whom you love before the situation really becomes truly hopeless?

    For those of you who ask "Why three weeks," it's how much longer we can pay the rent.

    We asked for help from social agencies and they have all reported they can do nothing because of sumkinda' legal stuff with the house. Figgers. Sounds just like us. We often do things that are borderline legal, so it's no wonder the people we work best with do things the same way.

    Anyway ... on to the point of the reply.

    We are doing things we normally wouldn't do.

    Kathy loves horses, so this one's indulging her horse fetishes as much as possible, even when we can't afford it, because in three weeks, it's not going to matter anymore, anyway.

    We need to make each other as happy as possible now. Now, especially, so we spend a lot of time and money just doing things, celebrating the last little bit of time we have remaining.

    We do try to fix the situation, but it's unlikely it will be repaired. It's one of them where we asked for help when it started to go awry, nobody would help, and now it's totally trashed, people are asking why we didn't ask for help sooner?

    It doesn't really matter. The hardest part is suffering the sorrows of these times, and trying to be happy.

    But in three week, probably by May second, we'll be gone.

    Do not fear death. Death is the end of pain. It is life that is insufferable.
  9. Kaysha

    Kaysha Antiquitie's Friend

    Hi there,

    As others have said above, it sounds like things are going from bad to worse. I, like others, cannot give you specific advice because I don't know the laws in your country. In Australia, where there is financial hardship, alimony can be altered accordingly. Similarly, instalments to the tax office can be set up. I think the theory behind it is that (literally!) you can't get blood out of a stone.

    I had a friend who had a lot of personal debt and she ended up going into voluntary bankruptcy. She dreaded doing this because of the "stigma" but it has meant she has a Financial Trustee to sort out all her financial affairs which has been a great weight from her shoulders. I know this did not get rid of her debts to the government, but it helped in other areas, and they were able to shoulder some of the burden. Again, not sure of the laws where you are. Have you investigated obtaining to getting advice from a (Insolvency???)Public Trustee to find out your options? In the meantime, can you screen your calls and maybe don't open the mail that is just going to cause extra stress?

    What job would you like to do if you can get the business solved and need to move to a new area of employment? I know its early days, but can you think of a job that you would like to do.. maybe where all the management decisions don't fall on you.. so you can concentrate on other things in your life.

    Can I repeat the question whether you have spoken to a doctor about how you feel? Financial difficulties and relationship breakdowns are two of the biggest stressors - and it is just not possible to "suck it up" and continue functioning without any hiccup. If medication is not suitable, you maybe able to see a commuinity counsellor.

    Keep in touch,

    Kaysha :smile:
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