There's a first time for everything

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ozibuna, Aug 26, 2010.

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  1. Ozibuna

    Ozibuna Well-Known Member

    Hi,

    So, i guess this is the first time i enter the site and have an actual reason to be here. Don't know if this is posted in the right place, but i guess it doesn't really matter.

    The short version of my story would sound like this:

    "so i went to another country with my sister, her husband and a cousin, 3 days into the trip my sister managed to make me think that a car at 50mph would make a quick death, just *poof* *smack* and *pop*, a little light, a little pain and voila, the end."

    The longer version however is a bit bigger, 18 years bigger :). To set the stage right i should mention that both sides of my family have been, to say the least, struck by misfortune. One side was forcibly moved from one country to another and set into "house arrest", the other was singled out, beaten, deprived of rights, many rights, and left with no personal belonging what so ever, all because they were rich before communism arrived in our country and didn't want to give up their hard earned lands and riches.

    This has created a money-oriented family environment, and from my family i think i am one of the only one that fights for something other then just a job and a crappy pension and more importantly is disgusted by money. Yes, i am disgusted by money. I actually picked up some bills once, looked at them and threw them away with disgust and hate.

    Anyway, because money was an issue, and so i was reminded of almost every moment of my life by my sister, even thought it really wasn't, i took a more "it's ok, i'll take anything i can get" attitude and also decided that instead of me and my sister having average-ish start in life, one of us should have a better start then the other, so i gave up on a lot of things so my sister would get it all, a house, a job, a car, a family, and not have to fight for it very much.

    I never complained about it, it never bothered me. Not until last week. See, me and my sister have some similar traits but completely different personalities. While i won't bitch and bicker about anything that can go wrong, even if it can go just a very tiny bit wrong, she does. She will also point out to me that she is more successful then my and basically make me feel like i'm a big fat looser and she wins.

    For a 5-6 years, after she went to college, we didn't talk. We just didn't, i couldn't stand her hatred for me, i just couldn't. So when she came back from college, for my mother, i caved in and gave her another chance, taking the fall for whatever was between us, because she was getting married and starting a family.

    For a while, things were well. With it's ups and downs, it was still well. However this was bound to happen sooner or later. About 4 weeks ago she came to me and told me that we're going on a trip to Austria for a week. I didn't say anything, i just nodded. I didn't really want to go for quite a few reasons, first of which was lack of money for this trip, but my father said this would be a gift for me. Still i didn't want it, but my father and me really want me and my sister to get along.

    So i went against my instincts and left on this trip with them. A road trip to and through Austria. Needless to say that this "gift" that my sister thought she was giving me, had so many strings attached. I rarely spoke, but whenever i did, she had something to comment and always bad things turning every word into a spear and just stabbing me whenever she could.

    Spent my first night in Vienna alone in our room, because i couldn't handle more hours with her. I needed a break from it. All i did was asked to be left alone, instead i was called a dog, useless, and told to shut up because she's paying for the trip. Of course that wasn't true, but you can't argue with this woman. I don't think she realizes what she does.

    Just like her, i have the uncanny ability to say things that can really hurt, like really really hurt. The only reason i'm not saying them is because i don't like fighting, especially with family. Arguing is one thing, but doing and saying things just because you can, is senseless and meaningless, and eventually turns you into a bitter and evil man. I don't want that.

    Anyway, by the third day, i had too much. Whenever i lashed out and said "leave me the hell alone", everyone would turn to me and told me to hold it in, and that i have no right to act like that. It was in that night that she finally did what she originally planned.

    I'm a dreamer, optimist, relentless, people person, entrepreneur, risk taker, salesman, cheerful person. That night i lost everything. I felt like the a old piece of dried up, dusty, crap. Had no more self-respect, dignity, no more trust in myself and my abilities and worst of all, lost all hope of ever achieving something in my life.

    That night my sister died, for me at least, because a sister should never make her brother feel like that, never, not one bit. And i had 3 options that night, jump in front of a car and die a painful death, give into my "darker" side and become a mean, bitter, angry person just like her and make her cry within 2 minutes after i start talking or abandon my family.

    I chose the last one. I was, and still am, empty inside. That night was the first night in my life, i spent on the streets. I slept in the wind, cold and rain on a few benches on the streets of St. Wolfgang, thinking "i don't deserve any better", waking up every once in a while when i heard a noise or when i got too cold to walk around and warm up a bit. It was the lowest moment of my life. I had no money to come back home and my father didn't want me to borrow some money from my friends and asked me to come back with the group.

    I did as my father asked. However that wasn't a fun trip for me any more. It was a nightmare brought to reality by a soulless demon that took the form of a lady my parents said is my sister.

    On the next few days i kept feeling like a homeless person and a looser. I had no more clean clothes, my sister made sure of that when she went through my stuff, and i was literally freezing 2 nights in a row, waiting for the clock to reach 6:30 so i can walk around and warm up.

    Now i have to tell my father that i want nothing else to do with my family, at least for a while until i get my wits back. From the day that woman broke whatever was left of me, voices have been whispering in my head harsh words, "you're a looser", "what's the point", "you'll never do anything worthwhile", "why bother, you're gonna end up in a ditch anyway", and a lot more other bad bad stuff.

    I know that there are other people in the world that have more problems then me, but i felt the need to tell my story to whomever would listen. I spent 6 days holding the monsters inside at bay not wishing to show the rest what happened to me, because they didn't care when i told them. Apparently it only works if you say it when you show the said emotions on your face.

    Anyway, now i have a reason to be here, one way or the other. Not proud of it, nor happy, but it really doesn't matter any more.
     
  2. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Hun, you be strong. You can make it without your sister. In a few days things will have changed, and you can surround yourself with people who care.:hugtackles:
     
  3. Ozibuna

    Ozibuna Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately people that care are far far away for now :) and since i came i'm in the same negative surrounding. I know i can survive without my sister, i plan to, emphasis on the without :). The only bad thing is that i won't be able to see my niece any more. But you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.
     
  4. Ozibuna

    Ozibuna Well-Known Member

    Today it began. Their side of the story was said. Everybody is angry at me for what i did and not even bother to ask why did i did it, or how i got to do it. Slowly but surely i'm racing towards something really bad.
     
  5. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    Ozibuna, I am sorry that no one in your family seems to be supporting you emotionally right now. But you are strong and seem to be a very kind person. I have a feeling that your father will help you, if he can.

    You have to be strong now, through this storm. It will pass. You are intelligent, speak probably more than two languages fluently, so I know that you can make it without your sister.

    You have been so good to your sister. You don't deserve this.
    You have good values, and your sister just seem to care only about money and power.

    You will overcome this, just stand firm and determine that you will survive this.

    You will not lose your niece, in time, she will see you again, if you decide to leave.

    My thoughts are with you.:arms:
     
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Ozibuna,
    I relate to you.. I disappeared for six years without a trace..My family was the reason I left..They changed the way they treated me after that..You don't have to take shit from your sister..Just don't talk to her anymore.. I also had problems with my dad and didn't talk to him for five years.. I didn't attend family get togethers or christmas because of him..You can get thru this..Just be strong and look out after your self..Take Care!!
     
  7. Ozibuna

    Ozibuna Well-Known Member

    Thanks, it really means a lot :)

    I'm not one for mean words or harsh comebacks, and this is probably why i only reveal the truth when pushed too hard. I only hope you are right, i will be talking to my father soon enough. He's one that puts some value to family relations and the fact that i will be breaking all of them in the near future will certainly raise some questions and get some attention.
     
  8. Ozibuna

    Ozibuna Well-Known Member

    Did it solve the problem? How did you do it? What did you do?

    There is just one person who stood between me and death, my other half. If it hadn't been for her, i would have been long gone by now. So i doubt i will be getting through this, at least not on my own and certainly not when my family can still drag me down even lower.
     
  9. flowingriver

    flowingriver Well-Known Member

    I'm glad that you have a wife to support you through this difficult time.:hugtackles:
     
  10. Ozibuna

    Ozibuna Well-Known Member

    Not a wife yet :) With luck she will be in a few years. So...wish me luck, there's no other that can take her place. :)
     
  11. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I too am glad you have someone who cares for you and respects you as it should be. Someone you can respect back and share you life with Iwould write down exactly what happened tooyou on those days and mail it to your family letting them know the pain you suffered. Let your sister be for now let her go it time she will see how she wrong you and will be sorry for it take care of you now and your other half start a new life now okay leave the old one behind.
     
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